Best of Member Advice: Love, Lust, & Relationships

Relationships, whomever they involve, are a cornerstone in our lives.  They can be messy, fulfilling, complicated, refreshingly simple - sometimes all of the above.  One thing is certain: the perfect relationship does not exist.

Where do you turn when you need solid counsel?  We rounded up some of the best no-nonsense advice found on the ChickChat forum here on ChickAdvisor.

On Love...

A guy friend I’ve known for years tried to make a move on me, even though I have a boyfriend! Can men and women ever be "just friends"? 

"I think whether or not a male friend chooses to make a move on you is really dependent on the age/maturity of the guy," muses Artist.  "If a guy is really into you and knows you have a boyfriend, chances are (if he is grown up enough) he would stay away, to avoid any further feelings or attraction towards you.  It is totally possible to have mature, adult relationships with men. They are not all out to hit on you, but yes some of them are.”

How can you tell when you’ve met “the one?”

Allychick_ling has a practical take: “I don't think there is such thing as "The One". All I know is it takes a combination of the right timing, a lot of communication, understanding, love, and respect to make two people work.”

My man and I have been together for a long time and the sex is not as exciting as it used to be. How can we improve our love life?

You said: “Things always cool down after being in a relationship for a while," reminds Biochick.  "Don't expect it to be effortless like it was at the beginning. If you want it to work, you have to start putting some work" into it in order to get the rewards.”  She suggests you look at your health and the health of your relationship for possible reasons why you're in that rut in the first place.

I recently got engaged to someone I’d been dating for two years. Throughout all the wedding preparations, he seemed very unenthusiastic about getting married. Finally, fed up, I called everything off. He accused me of forcing him to get married and then calling off the wedding impulsively. Why are men so afraid to commit? 

MissChickie isn't afraid to tell it like it is. “Most guys are afraid of commitment and see marriage as a ball and chain. In my opinion, the best thing you can do if you really want to get married and move on to the next phase in your life, is walk away. If he's the right guy for you, he'll be the one to suggest getting married because he's discovered how bad life is without you. If he's the wrong guy, he'll be relieved and make no attempt to get you back. Then you have your answer and can move on with your life. My philosophy before getting married was I'd rather be happy alone than miserable with someone who doesn't appreciate me.”

My boyfriend and I recently broke up and I’m having trouble getting over him. How can I heal?

“It is a hard time, but you just have to become yourself again," says Cherryblossom92. "It is awful, I know, but you cannot fix the relationship. The only thing you can fix is your life. You need to stop thinking about the breakup.  I think you should look yourself in the eye and say I am beautiful. I am smart. I am successful and I deserve to be loved.”

Tigerlilly's tips: "Stick with your friends. I remember my friends would stand by me and listen to me vent for quite awhile.  I really needed that.  Next, I find it helpful to set little goals for myself in not talking to him. Today is Tuesday night; set a goal to not to have any contact with him until Friday. When Friday comes, set another one to Monday. I found the little goals helped for me and before I knew it a week or two had passed.”

On Family...

My family and I are always getting into huge fights. How can I deal with it?

Pick your battles, cautions Samuraiya.  "The number one rule for me though, is to never say anything that you know will really hurt them just to gain the upper hand of an argument. This is especially true for family, since, first of all, you know exactly the ‘wrong’ buttons to press because you know them so well, and secondly, they're probably the last people you want to hurt in that way.”

My parents are getting a divorce and I feel like everything is changing for the worse. How can I cope?

“The best thing for you to do is to take care of yourself and keep your siblings close," advises MizzRobin.  "Your parents will figure themselves out and what works and does not work as they try to relearn how to interact with each other in a new way.  Self care is key when it comes to getting through a rough time. After all, all you can control in this situation is your reaction to it.”

On Friendship...

My best friend is extremely unmotivated and making no effort to better herself. We used to get along so well, but now I feel like she is using me and holding me back. Should I end the friendship?

Piranha says: “She may be depressed or have other mental issues and that is why she feels unmotivated. If you leave her that may set her further over the edge. I am not saying you should change yourself, you should definitely set boundaries…But she does need real friends in life!  She is lucky to have you! Live your life, but be there for her when she needs something important. Don't allow her to use you as a doormat.”

I'm having trouble with my best friend's decision to marry her boyfriend.  What's worse, I'm supposed to be her maid of honor.  How do I talk to her about this without risking our friendship?

"I suggest you talk to your friend," sympathizes Spotty, who happens to be in a similar situation. "If you have a solid relationship she'll listen to your cautions. She may not like them. She doesn't have to like them. But if she knows you care, and she cares about you, she'll listen to what you have to say and maybe even consider your message. If she denies your cautions and runs off in a huff and even becomes more distant, so be it. But if/when the day comes that she really needs your support, be there for her and never say "I told you so."

Is it possible to have a strictly friends with benefits, no strings attached type of 'relationship' without getting emotionally involved?

Feisty Redhead is skeptical: "I have had friends who had those relationships and it seemed that eventually one of them would get feelings for the other person and things always ended badly."

An anonymous poster had the opposite view: "It has nothing to do with backward feminism, lack of self-respect etc, as things are clear from the get go. In fact, it should be liberating - men and women both have needs. It's better than having a random one night stand, regretting it and feeling bad, or dating someone you secretly don't like just for some intimacy and fun. Honesty is always best, and safest!"

Get your girl talk fix on any subject!  The ChickAdvisor forum is open to all and you can post anonymously.

by Laura Stricker