Mommy Memoirs: 5 Lies I Told Myself Before Becoming a Parent

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I’m from the Midwest originally, so it wasn’t that unusual to the locals when I married relatively young and started a family fairly soon afterward.  It was a bit of a surprise to my uber cool friends who lived in Toronto, put their noses in the air, and cited lofty goals like Getting Financially Stable or Enjoying My Carefree Adult Years as reasons for delaying marriage and children.  These are also the people who later became super educated parents and actually read the pregnancy and child-rearing books all the way through instead of skimming the Table of Contents and calling it a day.

But then you know I don’t really parent by the book anyway, right?  What’s the fun in that?  So I happily went into my first pregnancy proudly declaring I’d figure it out as I went along.  Sounded awesome at the time, but I was about to get a really rude awakening. 

In the interest of public education, here are the Top Five Lies I told myself during the early years.  You super-prepared peeps might as well listen up too – it might hit a little close to home.

Myth #1 – Birth Plans will ensure you have the Labour and Delivery you want

Listen, if the labour and delivery you want includes an epidural, crying, and cursing, then your Birth Plan is a knockout success. But if you’re one of those hybrid alien types who pushes three times without mussing your perfectly plaited French braid while listening to Brahms played on windpipes, please keep that to yourself.  Kthanksbye.

Myth #2 – I have a right to Personal Privacy

Starting from the hordes of medical students, hospital volunteers and other personnel who will all see your vagina during childbirth, your child probably won’t let you pee or shower alone until they have enough of their own sense of privacy.  That usually kicks in somewhere around puberty.  I suggest you get over your verklempt body issues now.  You have no privacy rights whatsoever for the next decade.

Myth #3 – Potty Training can be achieved in one day

I don’t care if you’re Super Nanny – any of your friends who claim they sailed through potty training is either lying or one of those alien hybrid people I already warned you about.  However, if you’re interested in learning about the “pee on yourself” method to potty training success, may I direct your attention to my earlier post on the topic here.

Myth #4 – Nighttime bedwetting is a toddler’s problem, not a Big Kid problem

So your child is still having problems with night wets over the age of 4?  Take heart – it’s more common than you think.  Read our 5 Mom-Friendly Tips to help your child with bedwetting, and then look into a more comfortable and convenient nighttime protection product like GoodNites® Disposable Bed Mats.  It helps Junior feel much more confident, which is critically important at this stage.

Myth #5 – I will not turn into my mother

I used to be kinda tough.  Now I get teary during those sweet ‘n heartfelt commercials.  Homemade cards decorated with childish scrawl are my most prized possessions and yes – my refrigerator door is plastered with them.  I say things like “just wait until your father gets home” and “when I was little, we had to play outside instead of sitting in front of the TV.”  Yup, I’m my mother.

On the plus side, there was one great fear I had that turned out to be unfounded.  I’m a very heavy sleeper and worried that I wouldn’t hear my child calling me in the night.  I still can sleep through hurricanes, emergency sirens, and the alarm clock, but the merest whimper from my child’s scratchy throat has me bolting up and running to dispense mommy hugs.  It’s called Mom Radar, and I’m relying on it to serve me well during the Teenage Years.

What tough lessons did you have to learn as a first-time parent?

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