on Sep 14, 2011 @ 08:30 am|
The Bathing Suit
(by a middle-age woman - unknown)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day..
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future"
|Wow on Sep 14, 2011 @ 08:31 am|
!t wasn't suppose to look like that!!! Sorry about that ladies.
|fixed on Sep 14, 2011 @ 09:26 am|
Hi Takoda, we've removed the formatting to make it more readable. For future reference, cutting and pasting is often the culprit :)
|Thanks on Sep 14, 2011 @ 10:36 am|
For the giggle, I liked this :)
|So true! on Sep 14, 2011 @ 10:49 am|
I think buying a bathing suit is the bane of any woman's existence!!! I kind of just go with it, hope for the best, bring a pair of heels with me and remember that no one is perfect!
|There are 3 things.... on Nov 25, 2011 @ 12:22 pm|
that I absolutely HATE shopping for:
1. bathing suits
THIS was one of the best examples of why bathing suit shopping is TORTUROUS.
Ali de Bold
|Takoda, where is that from? on Nov 26, 2011 @ 10:47 am|
It's too funny. I think we all hate bathing suit shopping. It really is so hard to find something flattering unless you are a teenager or swimsuit model.
|Ali on Nov 26, 2011 @ 11:29 am|
Someone emailed this to me back when I first posted it. I hate shopping
for swimsuits as well and thought others might get a kick out of this. I
haven't bought one in three years and when I bought that one my husband
was with me helping me pick it out. BAD BAD thing to do! Never bring a
man with you, they pick out the smallest one they can find then want you
to not only try it on in the, but will want you to model it for him in
the store in front of everyone.LOL
|I feel your pain.. on Nov 26, 2011 @ 12:43 pm|
Great story Takoda. I hate shopping for bathing suits and bras as i'm very busty and never find anything that fits.
|It's not just you... on Nov 27, 2011 @ 12:58 am|
I am a teen, but bathing suit shopping isn't any easier. ;P
|Lets face it on Nov 27, 2011 @ 11:30 am|
it sucks for all of us.LOL