Baby photos and daughter in law

on Dec 18, 2014 @ 09:14 pm

Our son got married in the Summer and they just had his 1st baby in October. My complaint is that I've asked her for pictures of my grandson, to no avail. On top of that the few times they have come over since he was born, she doesn't want anyone on my son's side holding the baby. She says it spoils them. But, it's okay for her side of the family to hold or feed him anytime they want to. This is our 3rd grandson. Our daughter has the other 2. I just don't get it. I'm a good grammy and will do whatever for our 2 kids n 3 grandkids. I just don't know how to take her, especially when she doesn't like to talk to us. Any suggestions??

7 Replies

your son on Dec 20, 2014 @ 09:44 am

Talk to your son. Ask him for photos and maybe ask him to talk to his wife about how she needs to be more fair when it comes to your side of the family. Maybe you and your side of the family didn't treat her very well before the baby. I know my own mother-in-law is pretty much a bitch to me the majority of the time, but for some reason she's very excited about the baby coming and pretty much demanded to be at the hospital when he does (which should be any day now). So it might be this is her way of getting back at you and your family. I don't agree with it, of course. And if my mother-in-law asks for photos, of course I'll provide them. And if they want to feed or hold the baby, I'll let them do that too. If I feel like they're doing it 'wrong' or whatever, then I'll put in my two cents. But I wouldn't completely deny them.

Honestly, I think the only way this can be handled - at first anyway - is by talking to your son and explaining how you feel. Otherwise, if that doesn't work, try taking her aside and talking to her. Don't put her on the spot with a bunch of accusations, just try to do a lot of 'I feel...', 'I would like it if...', etc. Hopefully something can be done to improve the situation. I wish you luck.

photos on Feb 08, 2015 @ 06:14 pm

Thanks for your reply glumbumble. I've talked with my son to no avail. Now, she's claiming the baby doesn't like to be held! The last time they were here about 3 wks ago, I had our other 2 grandsons, who had spent the night. Our son was paid by us to do some work at our house. She came in with an attitude and was so disrespectful telling the baby-I know son, it's so loud in here! With our other 2 running around and her 4yr old with someone else. Kids are going to make noise and I asked if I could home him, and again she said he doesn't like to be held. I even paid her in the Fall for 4 4x6 prints of their wedding and have never got them. She claims I never gave her any money! Then, they had photos made for Christmas and I offered to give her the money for the whole amount so she could get them. Again, she made an excuse. When they were here that day, she was constantly texting on her phone and wouldn't talk. I thought how rude, well I found out that she was posting on Facebook that it was so loud in here, her baby couldn't sleep. She was about to scream. She also posted that she would like to throat punch me!! I was horrified. People were asking if she was ok and she replied NO. Our son finally commented on FB telling everyone she was okay that she could of come outside if she wanted too. I've went out of my way to make her a part of our family, but she's very jealous if our son goes to our house. On Christmas, they didn't get here til night and the 1st thing her 4yr old said when he came in the door was-where's our presents? That's what Mama said we came here for. She turned so red in the face and then got onto him. I don't know what else to do.

If she was my son's girlfriend on Feb 12, 2015 @ 12:38 pm

My son would either speak up, or I would throat-punch her.
There is a such thing as grandparents' rights. The courts might be your option if she gets too out of hand.

wow on Feb 12, 2015 @ 06:26 pm

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you're really going out of your way to include her and make her feel like part of the family. Maybe the only person who can sort this all out is your son. My husband put his mom in her place a couple of times when she was bad mouthing me and our relationship. She seems better now and seems like she's trying to connect with me more. So maybe you need to sit down with him again and really get across that you're very upset and you really want to spend time with your new grandson.

baby photos on Feb 12, 2015 @ 08:06 pm

Thankyou so much glumbumble for your advice. I really appreciate it and look forward to chatting with you. I will try that. Please take care of yourself!!!!

positive on Feb 14, 2015 @ 11:43 pm

From what you've described, it seems like your daughter in law is having a tough time taking other people's feelings and needs into consideration. If there has been nothing in the past to warrant her behavior, I would suggest the following.

Try the positive approach. For instance, compliment something your daughter in law is doing well in regards to raising her child so that she can feel more comfortable around you. If she is still reluctant, and you have already spoken with your son, sit them both down and say something along the lines of:

"When I'm not given the chance to hold or play with my grandchild, I feel like I'm losing precious bonding time with him and I'm most afraid he will be missing the opportunity to build important memories with us as he grows up, which is an essential part of his identity."

You can offer to take care of their child while they go on a date night or when they need to run errands and reassure them that he will be in good hands and that they deserve some time alone. Also, mention the fact that you've noticed how her side of the family has had the opportunity to interact with him (add a positive comment about the way they have gone about this) and that you would love to do the same for the child's sake, so that you can enrich his life and ultimately your own.

There's always a fine line when it comes to the grandparent/grandchild relationship in terms of the way the child is disciplined and raised. Could it be that she fears that you may overstep those boundaries? As a teacher, I've heard this complaint a few times from parents. Remember, even your daughter in law has her own concerns and it could have something to do with keeping her child protected from what she considers an improper way of discipline or the way in which you may impact the raising of her child. Since she allows her family the opportunity to interact, it goes to show that she is comfortable with their way of doing things, obviously since she was raised by them.

After you've used positive comments as a reinforcement and have told her and your son how you feel, ask her if there is anything that she would appreciate you doing for her when it comes to raising her child, since it is ultimately the whole family who will have a role in this. Remind her that you are always ready and willing to care for your grandchild and that you only have good intentions.

Apart from this, I don't think there is much else you can do. It will be up to her and your son to make the final decision and hopefully they'll loosen up about this. However, no matter how things go, remember that the child is the most important person in this situation and the most innocent. Do not let him see or feel the animosity. Discuss things when he is not within reach and if he is, always address each other politely. You'd be surprised how deeply family arguments or snide remarks/sarcasm affect a child.

Good luck with this!


daughter in law on Feb 15, 2015 @ 01:25 am

Thanks for the comments. The reason she allows her family to babysit him is that they do everything for her, they did have her 1st son constantly. I've offered countless times to babysit, but they both make excuses. Our other 2 grandsons are here quite a bit and love it. They are spending the night tonight. It's just not us that she treats this way, it's almost his whole side of the family. We aren't allowed any photos of him, but her family is. I get along great with her Mom. She doesn't like him unbuckled and taken out of his cart seat. She now claims that he doesn't like to be held-at 3 months old. Her 4 yr old has no respect for her-he's constantly yelling in her face and destroys things. I've talked with our son and it doesn't do any good. She's extremely jealous of him-constantly calls if he's over here or goes to the store. Her families plans always come before ours and then they don't always show up. She's constantly texting on her phone while she's here. I'm so upset over this. We never have argued in front of our own children, and the same goes towards our grandsons. We hardly argue at all period. We've been together almost 20 yrs. I've offered to babysit so many times and always they make an excuse. She was spoiled as a child and growing up. She lives in the house she grew up in and doesn't worry about money or bills-cause her parents are always doing for her. It's a messed up situation. Our other 2 grandsons love to be here. Her parents are going to build a house for her, right in front of them. Our son doesn't like that much. Their other daughter lives behind them. They only had the 2 girls.

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