Dating after a death


charbella2
on Apr 28, 2016 @ 11:05 am

Hey ladies. I lost my mom suddenly to brain cancer a few years ago. In my eyes we had the perfect family. Since then my dad has changed alot and it has been very hard on me because I feel like I lost my dad too and everything has changed. Recently my brother called me and said my dad is dating a woman who is 20 years younger. He never told me. I want him to be happy and find someone but I am so scared he will get hurt and that she is only after his money. My dad is a successful man who is retired now so I have so many worries. Plus it is weird and sad to me in a way. I miss my mom and know she would want my dad to move on. Am I wrong to feel sad and worried?
 

11 Replies


coultlee
. on Apr 28, 2016 @ 11:48 am

No you aren't wrong. I would be scared an worried too. That's a big age difference and I completely understand. My mom died years ago and my dad has never dated. It's something I've always thought of. Can you talk to him you might feel better? I hope it works out its a difficult situation.
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Tracyr
. on Apr 28, 2016 @ 01:49 pm

It's very natural that you would be concerned about your dad and his well being ,I would certainly feel the same if it was me
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KrissiC
. on Apr 28, 2016 @ 03:12 pm

I see both sides...of course your father deserves to be happy. It is a large age difference but only they know how they each feel and what their relationship means to them. Losing a spouse is very traumatic and maybe he felt the need to change in order to separate what his life with your mother was and what his life became. Grief can and does change people and each person reacts differently to it.

I also understand worrying about him. You or your brother could casually ask him how everything is and how things are with his new girlfriend. Ask how they met etc and show interest in his life. Include both of them in family events.

As a side note, my cousin lost her husband at the age of 24. She got a lot of money from his life insurance and met someone about 2 years later and married him within a year of meeting. Lots of people of course we're worried that he wanted her money but they are still married 14 years later. My point is, it's normal to be concerned but we also need to see it from their side and talk to your dad about how he is and your concerns.
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charbella2
. on Apr 28, 2016 @ 03:22 pm

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think I will talk to him and just let him know how I feel but how I am also happy that he is getting his life back and not so sad all the time. He does need this. My mom passed 4 years ago but it still feels like yesterday!
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coultlee
.. on Apr 28, 2016 @ 05:55 pm

I lost my mom over 30 years ago. It doesn't get any easier. You will feel better after talking with your dad. Hugs...
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chrissyann123
DATING AFTER A DEATH-charbella2 on Apr 28, 2016 @ 06:20 pm

First of all I just want to say how sorry I am about your mom's passing. It must be very hard for you and your family. No I do not think you are wrong about being worried for your dad. I know he is probably very lonely. But age does not matter by a few years. But in my opinion twenty years is a little much. That is a pretty big age cap I would be concerned also what could they possibly have in common. It probably will not last. Maybe just keep a watch over your dad to make sure he is not being taken advantage off. Maybe get to know her and try to find out her true feeling. There is unfortunately not much you can do because they are both adults. Wish you all the best with this situation. I truly hope it works out for you and your dad finds peace and happiness.
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charbella2
. on Apr 28, 2016 @ 06:26 pm

Thanks Crissyann. Yeah she is 45 apparently and my dad is almost 65. She is also a widow. Thanks for all your kind words. I will just see how it goes and if I get a sense that something is wrong I will say something:)
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crystaljam
Hmmmm... on Apr 29, 2016 @ 08:23 am

I would be creeped out dating someone so much older than myself, but you never know what life will bring someone.

Perhaps he is revitalized by her, and she is helping keep him young? Is he having fun? Does she treat him well?

And perhaps it isn't serious - older people have needs and desires too :)

Maybe he feels he wants to live life vs just letting it pass by.


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charbella2
. on Apr 29, 2016 @ 09:54 am

As far as I know she just came over a few times to watch a hockey game. So I don't think it is serious yet. I never thought my dad of all people would pick up a younger woman lol I will keep my eye on him and her! Thanks ladies for all he kind words and advice. I really appreciate it:)
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RaeBlair
. on Apr 29, 2016 @ 12:05 pm

Your father is going through an extremely difficult time - as your family is, as a whole, too. Remember though, that the person he has spent his life with has now passed - the person he fell in love with, the person that he fought for, fought with, and overcame every obstacle with. The person who was his best friend, confidant, partner, lover, wife... that, in my opinion, is the hardest person to lose. A mother wears many hats, but as a wife, she wears three times as many.

If he has found happiness, or maybe a piece of the woman that he lost, in someone twenty-years younger, let him have that. Be respectful and appreciative of this woman, because for some reason, he has chosen her. Maybe her intentions for him aren't as pure as the reasons that he chose her, but don't allow yourself to think of your father as a wounded person - you haven't lost him, and he is still as strong, smart, and reasonable as he always may have been. If she is with him for money, security, whatever - he knows this. He has decided that this is a fair exchange for the companionship, nostalgia, and friendship that she has given him.

I know this is a very rough time for you all. That it can feel like you, your family, and your life is being stretched at the seams, and the person you would turn to to say "I'm lost/I'm hurting/I'm worried" is no longer with you. I don't know your family, and did not know your mother, but ask yourself "if she could bring herself to us, just once, and tell us how she feels" what would she say about the situation? Would she understand and be grateful for this woman who has brought love to your father, and even for a little while, stopped the loneliness even though the hurt is still there? What would she ask of you or your brother, in regards to this woman?

I hope that you all can find happiness and peace in this situation. Though I haven't lost my Mom, she had lost hers early and through that, I can empathize... All the best to you all <3
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