Is this shunning or am I crazy?

on Jul 04, 2016 @ 11:54 pm

Okay so long story short ..

My husbands family always seems to "forget" to invite us to social events. Why I don't know. Perhaps they don't like me?!?
Anyways, I recently called my sister in lW out for not inviting us to her sons bday party. Her reply was that she was sorry and it was actually supposed to be my husbands brother to invite us and she didn't know why he had not.
Well why doesn't he ever invite us? We invite them to everything. They come to our events but leave rather quickly.
We have 4 kids and they have 2 so to me this is like they are shunning our whole family. If it's me they don't like, I don't feel they should take it out on the kids. It's almost like they're denying our kids to having a relationship with their kids?

So now that I've brought it to their attention that I feel they're shunning us ... Should I wait to see if they "forget" to invite us again? Should I let it go for now?
I'm seriously confused.
I don't buy the fact they forgot. I think it's bull!

11 Replies

. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 12:14 am

They might be shunning you and your family, I think they might not like something about your family and their either not saying it or they're very subtle. Leaving your events early is their way of avoiding you and your family. Don't stop inviting them to your events, kill them with kindness, they will realize that their being rude/unfair or confess because your being so nice and they want to stop this charade before it gets any weirder.

Family Social Events on Jul 05, 2016 @ 12:22 am

I understand the situation because it happens to my family too, mostly when I was a kid though so it was my parents who had this happen to them mostly. No one invites us and if anyone is invited, it's just my brother, no one doesn't seem to want to include my sister and I, we get a little upset, but we get over it.

Even if they "forget" I think it would be best to let it go. Whether they like you or not, it is their problem, you are part of the family now. What I would suggest you do is to invite their kids over so they can spend time with your kids so they aren't denied of establishing a relationship with them. I hope I was some sort of help to you and good luck!

. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 12:34 am

I agree about not letting the kids get mixed up in all this. They are innocent and shouldn't be left out because of any negative feelings they may have towards you or your husband. However, you should make sure this really is the case. I would be direct and tell her how you felt about your family being left out and to let her know that you're ready to listen if there's anything that needs to be resolved.

Something that came to mind, seeing as you mentioned there are kids involved, is the issue of parents being overprotective of who their kids play with. They may not want their kids to be influenced by the children of others, specifically if they feel their behaviour is not up to par with what they expect from their own kids. Do you feel this may be an issue here? It's just something that I've seen occurring at times, especially when deciding who to invite to important events like birthday parties.


. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 01:04 am

@anonymous, I know when it comes to kids and our families it's hard to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

That being said, I think you are frustrated, and I get it. I see my aunt doing that to my parents as I was growing up.

First, let's not jump to the gun and do some facts finding. You asked your sister in law and she blamed it on her husband to be the one to invite your family?

Could it be he forgot? I'm not speaking for all men, but my husband is notorious for being forgetful. It drives me nuts. His family and friends has to contact me because they don't trust that he will remember the event. He's just forgetful and has no intentions to shun anyone.

Could your husband maybe talk to his brother to see if he forgot or what's the deal? That way you get your facts straight before making any further decisions. Family feuds could get heated and often leads to misunderstanding. I hope this will work out for you one way or the other.

Age? on Jul 05, 2016 @ 01:18 am

May I ask how old they are? Other factors such as how long you've been married? Anything they felt snubbed about when you got married? Are you the "perfect ones"? The ones in the family who have it all together? Do the parents in laws favor you and your family? Are there favorites in the family? Are they the black sheep? To me it sounds like there's jealousy or resentment behind this kind of behavior. Just a thought. It's so hard when you don't have any idea what's behind someone's negative behavior. I would suggest talking about it again and bringing the issue to the surface if you feel comfortable in doing so - BUT initiated by your husband. Imo, it's best for you to deal with your family and him to deal with his. There's just too much opportunity for in laws to get nasty (or nastier) with you if you're the one to bring it up - it's less likely when it comes from their blood family. That's just my opinion though and it's worked for me in any long term relationships I've had. I think it's important not to let this affect the kids. They are innocent in all of this - it's the "adults" that have the problem that they're clearly not willing to bring up, whatever the issue might be. Ugh... families ... things can be so unnecessarily complicated and if people are open and honest in a caring and respectful way then most problems can be solved or at least improved.
My ex MIL clearly favored her adult daughter (and therefore her husband and children) overy my ex and our family and his brother and his family. Every Sunday Dinner at the parents in laws place everyone would wait for the chronically late daughter and her family (including 2 really misbehaving kids) before eating. Didn't matter how late they were or how cold the food was. It was so disrespectful to everyone. I asked my ex to bring it up and it was addressed. The SIL didn't realize how their chronic lateness affected everyone else (yeah, right!), and the MIL said it wasn't a big deal because she favored her close relationship with her daughter over her sons. One who drove 1.5 hours each way every single Sunday for family dinner. It was so disrespectful and made me crazy. Nothing ever changed bc the daughter remained late and the MIL allowed it to happen. Until one Sunday. My ex, his brother and their dad started eating. So the rest of us did too. When the daughter arrived and we were finished eating, she saw for once how her self indulgent behavior affected the rest of us. She sometimes made an effort after that but she never changed. What did change was the rest of the family gave 15 mins for her to show up and if not we all ate without them.
I hope things work out for you. I hope you find out what the issue is and it can be fixed. Families are hard work. :)
Good luck :)

. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 08:42 am

I truly don't feel like they forgot at all. All the other family members get invited but us. The only thing we've been invited to is their wedding next year which is a destination wedding.
Our kids are in the same age group too.
Our lifestyles are a little different. They love going out and drinking where my husband and I enjoy a drink here and there but rather be at home with the kids. My husband and I have been together and married longer than they've been together.
I do have a son born the same year as one of her kids and got pregnant quickly after. Ever since I got pregnant and had the first family girl I feel completely shunned by my bi wife.
I recently found out they have a lot of BBQ that we don't get invited to. My mil and fil go often and even tho they are 5 minutes away from us they too never come to visit us.
Only ever on occasions such as birthday and all. I'm frustrated by this to be honest. I don't know how someone can forget to invite you to numerous get together a and still look you in the face. Baffles me.

. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 08:43 am

That is great advice!!

. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 02:41 pm

Have you tried getting your husband to ask or reach out feelers to the rest of the family? If they feel awkward around you, they're unlikely to be honest even if asked and your husband might get a better response.

. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 04:39 pm

Do you have ideas how he could possibly ask??

. on Jul 05, 2016 @ 04:41 pm

I think being straight forward is just the best way. If he can ask a family member he's close to and just ask if there's problem between the family and you. Sending you hopeful thoughts!

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