mother daughter thing..

on Jan 31, 2011 @ 06:06 pm

I have an 8 year old soon to be 9, she talks back, makes me repeat myself, doesn't go t bed when told.. Mild stuff but still needs to be corrected, she's rude as well..

Imy question is does any other mothers, aunts anyone with soem understand of child have any new ideas on how to help me correct her behaviour..

I've tried time outs, i've taking t.v away for a day or more, i've takin electronics away, i've made her spend the day in her room with nothing to do but reading and coloring, I've sent her to bed early,

she doesn't have a whole lot of extra corricular activites so i can't take those away.. I am at a loss. when ever I tell her ok no t.v tomorrow she say i don't care, or you can sit there and read your book but nothing else, she says ok.

any help appreciated..


5 Replies

tricky on Feb 01, 2011 @ 10:50 am

I feel your pain! My kids go through these rough patches too, and honestly I don't have an answer. However, a wise friend recently pointed out a few things that deep down I already knew but were worth revisiting.

1) She's doing this to get your attention. Even negative attention is attention.

Are you distracted with work and other responsibilities? Is she feeling neglected in some way? Even if you give her plenty of quality time, kids go through stages where they can't get enough. Sometimes they even say they don't want to be with you... but really they do.

When is the last time you went on a mother-daughter date? Just you two, not dad or siblings, grandma or aunties. Can you make a schedule of taking her somewhere special on a regular basis? It could be weekly or monthly, depending on what the outing includes and your budget. When you've decided on a plan, tell her about it in advance - don't do it as a surprise. Say "on Friday, I thought we could go out for Mexican food and maybe the dollar theatre afterward". That gives her something positive to look forward to.

Don't allow her misbehaviour to affect this decision, ie. don't take away this privilege no matter how naughty she acts. You have to convey to her that no matter how she acts, your love will not falter. Which leads me to...

2) Help her to understand that you love her no matter what.

Poor attitudes, backtalk, and more make us moms so frustrated - I know! Yet even while you are giving her loving discipline, you need to make sure she knows how much you love her.

3) Maintain your household rules.

I have often thrown in the towel when my boys are punching on each other, saying "it's not worth the fight, they'll sort it out themselves". But this is a mistake. Rules are rules, and while the method by which you enforce them might change, the fact that whatever your daughter is doing is against your family rules does not.

And on the topic of changing the method, I would suggest you stick to one method for a little while - make that your go-to response of "sit on the couch for 15 minutes until you're ready to speak respectfully to me". Then, after a few weeks, swap for a new method so she is kept on their toes (because eventually, chilling on the couch is going to be no big deal to her).

4) Make sure that she doesn't start to feel like "a bad child" or have a target on her back.

My middle child is the rowdiest in our family, and some days it's only him that's in trouble while the other two are either behaving well or (as I'm coming to realize more and more) sneakier in their misbehaviour. My first instinct when I hear a crash in the other room is to call my middle child's name because I assume it's his fault.

This is not only unfair but it makes him feel singled out. Even when every single problem that day has been started by him, after a while I realize that the way through is not to punish him yet again, but to take him aside. Sit on the couch and read a book, or go for a drive together.

Bad behaviour is kind of like a cycle. The child acts up, is punished, feels badly about it (even if they act like they don't), then because of their diminished self esteem are in a bad mood and are more likely to act up again.

Building their self esteem is vital, if extremely difficult to do when you're at the end of your rope. Trust me, I have been there (and still am). Every day is a fight for me to keep my cool - and I fail far too often.

This is when you have to dig deep, remember "this too shall pass", and focus on why you love your kid(s) as much as you do. One time, I put a large picture of my middle child on my desk and put sticky notes along the frame with "l Iove you because ____". I felt bad that I had to remind myself why I did, but it was a very cathartic exercise. Every time I looked at his picture, I was reminded that he is the artistic one, the one who loves to snuggle, the brother who hero-worships his sister, the boy who kills spiders for me.

And that is often all I need to take the edge off my frustration.


thanks on Feb 11, 2011 @ 08:44 pm

Thank you so much for all your input and well sharings.. it feels so good to know other moms go through this too.. sorry that you are but its good to know i am not the only one.. I will defiantly take some of your advice and try it out..

I've thought about giving her an hour of my time each day and doing what ever she wants.. play baribes, color watch a movie.. ect.. but maybe the monthly/weekly outing will be good too.. cause ur right, we do need to do more mother daughter things.. I tell her all the time why i discpline her, why i put her to bed ect.. she understands i do it cause i love her cause i want her to be healthy and i want her to learn she can't do certain things.. she's pulled the you don't love me card and im a bad girl. where i say your not a bad girl.. and i love you so much.. I feel alot of it is because she is bored and i fear that is myfault.. winter months i hate going out side.. and being an only child is only so much fun.. and ya money is tight.. living in a big city.. its hard to find free stuff to do.. and near by at that..

I've also talked to her teacher and she recommended a marble thing. where when ever my little one does what she is asked, gets a marble and then gets rewarded after she reachers her goal..

thanks so much for ur advice

Ali de Bold
Agree with Mamaluv on Feb 11, 2011 @ 10:05 pm

I don't have kids so I can't give any parental advice, but I'll totally admit to watching Super Nanny, which I highly recommend you check out. She tackles these exact situations. If you're in Canada, you can watch it online here.

:) on Feb 11, 2011 @ 10:12 pm

thanks Ali.. i will check it out

excess energy! on Mar 01, 2011 @ 02:09 pm

I love all of mamaluv's tips, and can only imagine how invaluable they will be to any mom! I've no children of my own but I see the way my parents handled us and from there my biggest recommendation for this particular scenario is to exhaust her out. Both of you don your snowpants and ugliest winter coats, go outside and have a snowball fight, soccer match in snow slush, and any snowly slushy gross activity you can think of. This will give her the attention she craves from you, as well it'll help tire her out so she doesn't have all that extra energy to be "bad". I think starting healthy habits such as playing sports / exercising together will give your child such a huge boost in her future. Not only will it be unforgettable bonding for you and your daughter, but also help to establish healthy habits that'll keep her healthy even as an adult. Also as we all know exercise = happy chemicals = happy people :)

You wanted to dedicate 1hr of your day to do stuff she likes, I think that's good, but also why not involve her in all the activities you can? Like making dinner, cleaning house, etc? Tell her to make a special salad, or fruit decoration as the tables center piece? This will get her involved and make her feel good about the positive feedback she'll get when everyone praises her center piece! All attention is attention, but getting her to do something constructive and having everyone appreciate it will teach her to look for positive feedback.

Anyways I have all these theories on child rearing. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be! One day I'll try them out and see how they are in practice :)

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