on Jun 27, 2013 @ 05:45 pm|
Hello, I am 20 years old with a 45 year old father. He has a history of doing sexual or just weird things with young girls. I had a strange dream about him and I before. I cannot remember if I was voluntarily taking part in sexual things with him in the dream or if he was molesting me; either way I am almost positive I was enjoying it in the dream. It really makes me think he may have done something to me while I was asleep. It has come to the point where I am convinced it happened, even though I have no recollection. It makes me uncomfortable being alone with him at home. Even when we are around our family, he will wink at me. This happens all the time. I'm not sure if he does it to any of my siblings (I have two sisters and a brother) but I really do not like it. I am too nervous to ask my siblings if I'm the only one this happens to. Anyways, he has walked in on my sister and I naked because he didn't knock before barging in. And then he says something like "JEEZ!" like it was an accident but sometimes I really just don't know. He also does this thing where if I look at him he will raise his eyebrows a bunch of times. Not sure if he's just trying to be funny or not? Still don't like it. Never asked my siblings about this either. As far as his history with pedophelia goes though, here are some things he has done:
When I was about 6-8 years old, my friend, who lived a few houses down, slept over for like 6 nights in a row. Most of the nights we had school the next morning; I thought it was really strange because I doubt my parents would regularly do that. My dad seemed like he was the one who definitely had no problem with it. In fact, I think my mom even said she should probably go home, and I can see him saying something like "It's fine we can drive her to school". Anyways, one of the days she was there, we walked through the dining room where my dad was because we were on our way to the basement to play Barbies. I'm not sure if we said anything when we talked to him but for some reason I ended up in the basement waiting for her wondering where she was. I think what happened is when we were about to go down the stairs he called her over to him. I don't see any other reason why she would have stayed up there. When she came downstairs she looked very freaked out. Then she said "Mckenzie, your dad just kissed me". I didn't believe her at all. I couldn't see my dad doing something like that. So I shrugged it off and kept playing Barbies. I think she went home that day. Then her parents came over and were yelling at my dad, getting in a huge screaming fight and her father was basically threatening my dad. I had no idea what was going on because remember, I didn't believe my friend for a second. Then at some point my parents called my siblings and I into the living room and that is when my father told all of us that he had actually kissed my friend. I was in shock. I don't even recall what any of us said but I do know my mom was shaking her head in disgust.
Then my sister had her friend sleep over. My sister and I shared a room so her friend slept in my bed that night. Then about a year ago my sister told me that her friend actually saw our dad sitting at the end of the bed staring at her. She didn't say anything and pretended she was still sleeping. Our room was actually in the attic whereas my parents had a room on the second floor so there is no reason he needed to be up there. The girl was about 10 at the time. I think this happened on more than one occasion with different friends. It makes me wonder if my dad was staring at my friend (the one he kissed) the SIX nights she slept over. Very disturbing to think about.
On another occasion, my dad cheated on my mom with our next door neighbor; she was a mother of two girls. I think the oldest may have been 14 but I am not positive. I have heard that he actually tried to kiss or finger, or both, one of the daughters. I am not sure if he actually got that far with it.
We always used to ask our brother, who was about 16 at the time, if he had a crush on any girls. The family always nagged him about one girl in particular who would come to the store we owned. We all knew what she looked like and my dad would be like "she's got big boobs" or something along those lines. He was saying it jokingly but still. He noticed and actually said something about it in front of his daughters. I might be making too big a deal out of this. I sometimes wonder if my sister's feel as uncomfortable around him as I do but again, I feel so weird asking and I don't want them to say anything to my parents.
Please help. I don't know what to think. I'm not saying I'm terrified around my dad or anything but then again I always had the feeling he would try to do something with me when nobody was home. He never has in my older years but like I said I always get the feeling something may have happened when I was younger. All the girls he did stuff with were around my age range. Should I confront my siblings? I don't think I could ever EVER say anything about it to either of my parents. Any reply would be very much appreciated! Sorry this is so long. Hope to get some responses. Especially from people in my situation. Thank you!
|counselor on Jun 27, 2013 @ 08:26 pm|
You should find a counselor one you feel comfortable with one that specializes in this.It may bring up some bad memories but at least you have some support and someone who can guide you....The things your Dad has done to your friends and to you is NOT right...You need to deal with the memories you cant ignore them.So I would strongly suggest a specialist....Hope you get some closure and peace...
|Bren is definitely right!! on Jun 28, 2013 @ 09:04 am|
From what you have said here I believe the chance that something did happen to you and you just suppressed it is a pretty good one. I know what I'm talking about because I had to live through something very similar to your story, only it was a different family member and he was about ten years older then I was. I also can remember pretty much all of it even though it started when I was only about three. It started with what I thought at the time was just accidental touching, but every year it got more and more aggressive when ever we would go visit his family. He was always all over me and this went on until I was about ten. That was when his sister got into the act and helped him get me alone in his bedroom in the middle of the night. They managed to do this with out me even knowing what was going on and I've hated myself for being so stupid ever since!! I still feel like I should have known better. That what happened that last night was all my own fault, even though I was only ten and I knew what had happened to me before I never should have spend the night there. I knew their parents weren't going to be home, but I thought I would be safe because his sister would be with me. It took me many many years to figure out why she would do something like that to me, but I finally realized he was doing things to her all of her life. She had a chance to get a night off and took it by telling me we were playing a game in the middle of the night. She just wanted it to be someone else for a change and when she had that chance, she took it by sending me into the loins den instead of herself. After that horrible night he always may a point of not being home when ever my parents and I were coming to visit because he was afraid I might have said something. He knew if my father would have found out he would have killed him.
I never said a word to anyone until I was almost 27 and all that did was rip me into peaces and it honestly almost killed me. I finally told my now husband and my mother what had happened to me after I had my first son. That was 20 years ago now and ever since then my life has changed for the better!! You have to find someone to talk to this about this even if nothing really did happen to you. You feel like something has and after all that has gone on with your father and the other girl's that you talked about, I can see why you are feeling the way you are.
Find someone that deals with these types of situations. If you don't feel comfortable asking your family Dr to recommend someone to you, then you can always go to a clinic and ask a Dr there to refer you to someone. If you can't afford to pay someone to talk to, then I’d say look for groups that help people that are in situation like yours for free, like group discussions to start with. You don't have to say anything in these groups unless you want to and they may be able to tell you where you can find a Dr that deals with this type of thing for free. What ever you do decide to do, please just do something! Don't just brush this aside and hold this in for years letting it tear your life apart like I did to mine!
I hope some of what I have said here helps you out, even if it is just a little. Remember you are not alone in this!! It happens way more then you might think it does because people won't talk, or they just can't talk about it. All that does is lets them win and it slowly kills who you are! Don't let this kill who you are and don't let it take one more day away from the peaceful life we all deserve to have.
|Get Help NOW on Jun 28, 2013 @ 09:58 am|
First of all, you need professional counselling. One day you will have kids of your own and you want to be 100% healthy for them. Sadly, many people who are abused in their childhood date and marry abusive people (it's a subconscious thing, where you're attracted to what you're used to) and then one day the abuse continues with their children.
I'm not saying this will happen to you, but we've all heard terrible stories in the news and elsewhere that it does happen.
You need to break the cycle of abuse, and it starts with processing the sh*t that happened to you so that it never has to impact your life ever again.
Secondly, your dad needs help. Sometimes that "help" comes in the form of turning him in. I cannot believe that the friend's parents didn't go to the police! If anything happened like that to my child, better believe I'd run down to the station that very hour. At the very least, he needs to be held accountable for what he's done and will probably continue to do until he has received the treatment he needs to stop this behaviour. Some pedophiles can NEVER stop; it's an urge that they have extreme difficulty controlling. I've heard it compared to alcoholism in that narrow sense. Obviously this is not quite the same thing, but the point is "once a pedophile, always a pedophile".
The fact that he has not abused you in your teenage years suggests to me that he is attracted to pre-pubescent girls. Once girls become a little older and enter puberty, many pedophiles are no longer attracted because they start to resemble grown women and that's not their "type".
What happens if you have a daughter yourself one day? You cannot allow your daughter to EVER be alone with your dad, or spend the night or even nap while at his house. I'm sure you realize this.
Your mom has not held him accountable, either. She should have divorced him and done everything possible to limit your contact with him. I'm not saying you should blame her. Perhaps she has some dark secrets of her own childhood that are complicating her feelings in this.
Whether or not you choose to talk to your siblings is your choice. If you're close to them, you might find it a wonderful support. You might also find out some horrible truths you'd rather not hear. What if your brother (or sister) has some of the same urges? Wouldn't you want to know that before you have kids? Again, break the cycle! Get people the help they need!
For right now, I think you should look into options of moving out of the house. Even though the abuse has stopped, you need to process these feelings and buried memories away from your dad. Can you move in with a trusted relative? Secondly, you need to find professional help. There are lots of agencies out there which offer free or low-cost counselling. If you are a person of faith, many churches/etc also offer counselling.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. However, the cure is YOUR responsibility. This kind of trauma doesn't just go away on its own.
I wish you all the best and hope that you find some peace soon! *hugs*
|Yikes. on Jun 28, 2013 @ 10:10 am|
I agree with what Takoda says about talking to someone. Holding something like this inside could destroy you.
I know it won't be easy, but I think talking to your siblings will really help. Mainly because if you feel this way, there's a good chance they do to. You mentioned your sisters friend had some unfortunate encounters with your father, so your sister was probably told stories just like you were. She probably has all these fears already as well, and just doesn't know how to bring it up.
I also think talking to your siblings is beneficial because they're the only people on the planet who are in the EXACT same position as you. In a way you're lucky to have them (although the situation is horrendous) because you can talk to them about this and have someone who can relate directly to everything you're going through.
As for you thinking he did something to you, I can't say for sure, but I would recommend finding out. I know there's a psychological condition where we project things that didn't actually happen onto a situation in light of things we learn later on. For example, if I'm being told a story of when I was younger and I watched my brother fall off his bike and broke his arm, I might start remembering "oh yes, he fell off his bike and his arm snapped, I saw it right in front of me and it was horrible", but meanwhile the incident never actually happened in front of me. So I'm not saying that's what you're actually experiencing, but I'm just saying it might be what's happening. The other side of it is that something did happen to you, and like Takoda said, you're just repressing the memory (which is a very common defence mechanism for victims of molestation). Either way though, it's EXTREMELY important that you find out. Not knowing will quite literally destroy your mind, and it will end up affecting every facet of your life.
The best thing to do at this point is just talk. It's probably going to be one of the hardest things you're ever going to do, but sit all of your siblings down and just get it out in the open. Whether or not you're close to them, it's important to bring it up. Just say "Listen guys, I know this isn't easy but I have all these fears and doubts, do any of you ever wonder if Dad was inappropriate with us when we were younger?" The hardest truth is that maybe you weren't touched, but one of your sisters was. Maybe that's the reason they;'re not saying anything to you...because they don't have suspicions, they have actual fear. Most molestation victims (especially if they were abused at a very young age) have been told by the adult touching them that if they ever talk they will get killed. That's such a deep rooted fear that they carry with them throughout their lives, that even as an adult they feel they need to keep it all inside.
I'm really proud of you for coming on here and telling your story and seeking help. Whether you go to a professional psychiatrist or a free couselling clinic, find someone in the field who can help you unearth all these thoughts and possibly repressed memories. If you carry these doubts around without actually dealing with them head on, they will grow and consume you.
Talk to your siblings. Best case scenario is they have doubts too and you guys can talk and get it out of you, and worst case scenario is something awful happened and you guys can talk and get it out of you. Either way, confronting the situation is the best way to go about this. Once you start talking, you'll feel so much better. This is a huge burden that you shouldn't have to carry, let alone carry by yourself.
Stay strong, and we're here for you! xo
Ali de Bold
|Talk to your siblings and get help on Jun 28, 2013 @ 08:36 pm|
I agree with everyone saying you should talk to your siblings and get help for yourself. A professional psychiatrist will help you unlock your memories and get to the bottom of it. Chances are if it he did something to you, he did to your siblings as well. They may not want to talk about it, or they may be in denial about it, so just be prepared for that and remember this is not in any way your fault.
This is really serious because as Mamaluv said, pedophiles don't just stop being pedophiles on their own. By speaking out, you can prevent someone else from being abused. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a friend growing up whose father was a pedophile and he abused her. It was horrible for her and it was horrible for her that her mother stayed with him. They have since divorced and I think he's in jail but it's the worst thing you can possibly do to a child. You need to get the help you deserve and he needs to be stopped.
|Lie detector test? on Jun 28, 2013 @ 08:45 pm|
I agree with everyone one this, counseling would do you good. I also think maybe some legal action should be taken on this too though. Perhaps talking to a lawyer and getting your dad to take a lie-detector test. I realize this could end in him going to jail, but there he can get help and any other girls that could potentially get hurt may be saved.
|Counselling For sure on Jun 29, 2013 @ 03:58 pm|
Ohhh My, for sure counselling will help both of you and the other children and women involved.
|Courage on Jun 29, 2013 @ 10:03 pm|
I think it's great that you have the courage to speak about it, even here. In the long run it would just make you sad, bitter and resentful of him so it's good that you're trying to deal with it now. Like they said above, you should find a counselor and discuss with them what you can do in regards to your father. I am sure you don't want him to hurt any little girls. What he's doing is not right and even though he's your dad and you love him he clearly has a problem, an addiction you could say just like alcohol or drug abuse and it will probably never stop unless the issue is dealt with and that means he needs to be confronted and stopped. You need to heal and you won't be able to if he continues the behavior.
|c on Jul 25, 2013 @ 06:59 pm|
First let me say how sorry I am that you had to go through this, it is a devastating and heartbreaking experience that no one should have to deal with. Even if it was only your friends that were molested, you will still need to deal with that resentment to your father.I relate to your experience, but mine was another family member. Only I waited 17 years to tell someone, and believe me it won't go away, get better and you can't do it yourself.
Talking about this with an experienced counsellor to deal with theses issues will set you free.
It is hard at first but as you go it gets easier and relieves alot of tension.
I agree with the other chicks about talking to your sisters, confidentially that is, they may be afraid to talk just like you were,
Hugs for you, I hope you find your answers like I did.
Please don't be like me and wait until your 40 years old,
|Yes, do it. on Feb 02, 2014 @ 09:33 pm|
Listen, if you are close to your sisters you should ask them, I would find those friend and neighbors and ask them too. You know why I undrstand what you are going through, because my f......father touched me when I was 5 or 6 years old and it has hunt me all my life, and I also think he could have abused me more but I don't recall, as you I feel a lot of anger towards him, and when I was in my 20's he always looked at me sexually, he was overprotective and I couldn't date or have any male friends over. I have never had a good relationship with him, because there is always this bad, very bad feeling I feel when I am near him. He was an airline pilot and he used to take me alone with him, many many times, I don't remember if he did something to me, but I grew up with a lot of issues and I was mad all the time. I am 56 years now and I think I mentioned to my sister in one I ocassion and she did not believe me. I hate him, but I also know I have to forgive him, I don't know why, so if you can find closure do it at any cost, it will change your life.