on Feb 06, 2010 @ 10:49 am|
I'm going to apoliggize in advance for this being so LONG but this is really serious and a lot of details need to be said. This is really personal but I feel comfortable posting an anonymous. Ok sometimes I wonder if I was molested by my father. It really affects my relationship with him of course. I never call him or make plans to spend time with him other than if it's a family gathering or he asks to see me. Which is hardly ever. Anyways what brought me to post this is last night I had a sexual dream about him. I've had quite a few of these before. I've had scary ones, ones where I'm ok with it and seem to be into it (I know really sick) and once I had one about my grandfather. Not too long ago I actually had a really weird one where Bret Michales (from rock of love, can't remember band name) forced me to have sex with him. When I woke up I was like wth I don't even know anything about the guy. I did watch his show for a while the rock of love bus but I'm not like a fan of his or anything. Anyways the one last night with my father we were sneaking around to have sex behind my stepmoms back (I used to have a stepmom but they split up when I was 16). I knew in the dream that it was wrong but I liked it. Ew I know. And he was really creepy and wanting me all the time. From time to time I wonder if he like touched me when I was little because I can almost remember something from when I was between maybe 4 and 6. But I don't know if that's just something I've made up in my mind. When him and my Mom split up and I would visit him on the weekends. I would sleep in the same bed as him for a little while so I don't know if I am just remembering sleeping in the same bed as him or something really happend. After a while he said I couldn't sleep with him anymore and I would sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. I think that was just temporary. But sometimes I think I can remember him being overtop of me in the bed. And ok really embarassing part but I also remember being in the bed with him and him putting something in my rear end and it hurting. But I do remember once I was really sick when I was staying with him and I threw up a riduclous amount of times and it might have just been that medicine that you have to take through your bum. lol you know what I mean? I remember there being stuff in the bed like white stains the morning after him doing that so I don't know if that confirms that that's what is was. I know it wasn't cum if that's what your thinking, well I'm pretty sure? Does that type of meicine leak stuff in the bed? Because that would be the only explaination of what he was doing. It could have just been a cover to I wonder sometimes like if I ever said something he would just say it was medicine, I don't know. I would think that if I needed something in my rear end he would maybe send me back to my mothers so that he wouldn't have to do it. I don't know if your child needed that would you leave that up to the father or do it yourself? Anyways I remember when he was putting that in me or whatever he was doing he was being really sterm and saying "Don't turn around" like almost yelling it at me wouldn't let me look at what he was doing. Ok and later on in my life when I was around 13 and he would pick me up to go see him for the weekend. The long car ride to his house he would rest his hand on my leg above my knee like pretty high and just hold it there while he drove and he would say I love you. I felt really uncomfortable but tried not to show it because I thought it was just me. And once on one of our car rides he told me a story about a girl he had dated when he was a teenager. He told me she was molested by her father and how bad he felt for her and he says to me "I would never to do that you, I want you to know that" Isn't that a really weird thing to say to me? Like I think that's a given and it makes me wonder why he would say that. Is he trying to cover something up? And ever since I've been a teenager he stares at me. Like long gazes, makes me feel very uncomforable. I think he trys to act like it is out of love I think but sometimes I think he is just checking me out or something. I get very uncomfortable and used to always say stop looking at me and he'd say I'm just admiring you. He still does this from time to time. I am 21 now and the last time I saw him we were all out eating as a family and I look down the table and hes staring at me with that gazy look with a bit of a smile like he always does. I just look away I don't know what else to do. I told my current boyfriend about this and he has now noticed him doing it and says ya it's weird. So I feel like there are a lot of signs that he crosses the line and that makes me think god if he can do these things to me now and not see boundaries maybe he did do something to me when I was little. Part of me wonders if some other guy just screwed me up or I started this with my father when I was 13 because ok when I was about 13 I got into a weird thing where I wen't on chat sites. There are a lot of creepy older men on there and I would talk to them. I don't know if I was seeking out these older men to talk sexual with or if I was originally just going on there out of curiousity and ended up speaking to them because there are so many older men on there. But needless to say I got really into it. I talked to this one man who was 34 when I was 13 and we talked for probably about 2 years online really sexually. I told him that I had fantasies about my father and I think I might have just started saying this to get him going and I knew that's what he wanted to hear. I think other men asked if I had fantasies like that so I started to think like that. This man that I talked to a long time would describe sexual fantasies of me and my father sometimes and stuff. Sooo it makes me wonder in talking to him at such a young age like that did it like brain wash me into thinking these things about my Dad and he really didn't do anything wrong? It was all on msn and in the beginning I was young and didn't know better to erase my history. Well it was my Dad's computer I was using so he got to read some of this. I figured out not too long after and I don't think I had said anything about him in the beginning but I might have. I'm wondering if this is why he would stare and me and touch my leg etc. because he knew what I was like and that I thought about him. Either way I still know it's not right for him to do that but it would have provoked him more. I know for a fact he read some of the conversations because he confronted me about it once when just the two of us were out for lunch. He said he knew what I was up to and read some of my conversations. I was super embarassed and just sort of laughed. Looking back now I can't believe he didn't say don't do that anymore or anything. He just sort of gave me an eye and that's it and wanted to embarass me a little bit I think or maybe to kind of say hey I know you want me. I know creepy. I definately know now that all of that was ridiculous and I knew it was wrong even when I was young but I think I was a little mixed up and just looking for attention. Hearing all of this, I know it's a lot to take in what should I do? Do you think something happened when I was younger. Do you think my Dad was out of line when I was a teenager? Should I cut him off and not see him? How should I react?
|little time to figure it out on Feb 06, 2010 @ 11:11 am|
I really want to figure this out too because my Dad has cancer now and may not have much time left. I've been sort of ignoring him. I don't want to ignore him and then find out he didn't do anything wrong, he passes away and I am forever guilty for shunning him. But at the same time I don't want to be all close to him if the reality is he was a molester and ruined my life. You know?
|professional help on Feb 06, 2010 @ 09:37 pm|
There's no question about it, you should seek professional counseling. You are definitely going through something strange and need to figure out if you're dealing with suppressed memories or just some other sort of psychological stress situation. For your sake I certainly hope it's something "harmless", but whatever it is, it needs to be sorted out.
|Me too.... on Dec 04, 2011 @ 10:48 pm|
That sounds horrible.
It was really hard to read what you wrote (I realize this was a while back, and your dad may have passed) because I really identify with the behavior you described.
I, like you, do not have explicit confirmation that I was ever molested as a child, only personal discomfort when I am around them and ponderings over the weird behavior I have seen/still see them exhibiting.
Change the sexes around for me, though, it would have been my mother :/
Honestly, to me, it sounds like he definitely molested you. BE VERY CAREFUL OF IMPLANTED MEMORIES THOUGH. Did somebody ever hint at this to you or tell you explicitly that your father had molested you? Is it possible some of these things didn't happen and you have since distorted their actual credibility?
However you do make note of how you felt during the incidents themselves, that you were uncomfortable and sensed that something inappropriate was up.
I don't remember having dreams about my mother molesting me. And it happened when I was extremely young so if I did dream about them I forgot them. The dreams you described are significant.
In which case, honey I feel so bad for you, and if we share the same history of unacknowledged child molestation, my heart goes out in earnest to you and your happiness. You are a beautiful human being and have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to be ashamed of or feel like you need to hide (that's my personal philosophy about life, but in this department I think I would find universal agreement).
If you know you can find a counselor and seek help that way, DO IT NOW. If you're scared, tell your best friend, the one person you trust most in this world who has your back like no other, that you would like for them to help initiate contact between you and a counselor. Professional therapy probaby won't be your full answer, I do not mean to preach that. But in today's world its your best bet for starting to acknowledge who you are, what you've been through and the real life you want to lead. Go from there.
Best of luck.
|my prayers are for you on Dec 05, 2011 @ 12:13 am|
i have 3 kids, and my prayers are for you. life itself is hard to navigate daily, let alone dreams, memory fragments that are not even sure what they are.
being hurt or thinking you may have been hurt by your father is a difficult thing to live on a daily basis.
My father and I were very close, and my dad known everything about me, even sexual life, and my mom use to say I disclose too much to my to dad, not to her. But in our family dynamics, dad was the listener and never judgemental, so I tend to tell all my stories to my dad. Mom used to have every comment on every guy I dated, so I never feel comfortable opening to mom.
While you spend days alone with your dad on weekends, I was one of the four siblings and I have never spend nights alone with my dad. We have a small house, and mom sleep with the girls and dad sleep with the boys.
In your case, your dad live in a different house, so that must have given opportunity for your dad, if that was the case. Strange that he admired you differently and gazing. My dad never do that, i use to sit on my dads lap until I was 25 years old, and my younger brothers and sister would push out me to take their turns. Thanks God for our very patient dad, we were four rambling rats in the house.
I am pretty sure deep within you ...you love your dad. Don't know for sure if he did "cross the line", but hope he did not. Knowing he is sick too, I hope for your sake, that you will find help, to give you peace and move on with a life of great promise and joy ahead of you.
At your age, I was a young girl with dreams, great ones! Keep believing in the best of you, and hope you feel better.:)
|You need to talk to on Dec 05, 2011 @ 08:18 am|
A professional!! For me I remember every thing that was done to me and
Benishkhan earned the badge: Beauty Guru