I lost my baby on Valentine's Day

on Feb 16, 2010 @ 11:01 am

I just went through a miscarriage and I'm so sad. Has anyone else on these forums been through that?

I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks ago. It was a surprise, but a welcome one. We were so excited about our baby and were planning for a September due date.

My symptoms were very mild, which caused me some concern. I didn't have any morning sickness or nausea at all. My breasts were sore and my skin was itchy, which I read could happen from stretching to make room for the baby, even though I wasn't showing. My only other symptoms were mood swings, the ability to cry over anything at all, and mild cramps, which I had initially thought were an indicator my period was coming, which was why I didn't consider I might be pregnant.

At 6 weeks, I took a pregnancy test that was positive. One line was very dark, the other was faint. It was the closest to a 'maybe' I've seen. My husband didn't believe I was pregnant, so we took another one. The digital kind. This one blinked an unmistakable "yes". We were shocked and it took a moment to settle in, but once it did, we were so excited. Based on my last period, the Doctor's office estimated I was 6 weeks (over the phone - they didn't want me to come in until my first trimester was over).

Despite being early, we told our families because we were so excited. They were ecstatic since they've been waiting for us to have kids for a long time, though we were inclined to wait.

For some reason, I held off looking at any baby things, buying any books or anything baby related. I wanted to wait, just in case something happened. I did buy Materna vitamins and a baby band for when I grew out of my jeans, but I didn't allow myself to look at any baby clothes, cribs or anything.

A week after finding out I was pregnant, my symptoms started declining. I wasn't as tired any more, the urgent need to pee was gone, my breasts weren't sore and there was a nagging feeling in my head that something was wrong. The connection I felt with my baby, was going away. Still, I didn't feel 100% normal, and after looking online and talking to family members, I felt some reassurance that some people are just lucky and have less symptoms than others.

This Saturday, I started spotting. It was brown (sorry if TMI), which is an indicator of dried blood. My cramping, which was sporadic before, had now become constant, and from everything I was reading online, this was a very bad sign. My sister told me how her best friend spotted through all pregnancies, but without cramps. As the cramping increased and the blood changed from brown to red, we called the hospital. They said to stay home and relax and make an appointment for the Doctor on Tuesday, but if you are an expectant mother you can hardly sit on your ass all weekend wondering if your baby is dying. We went to the hospital at 11pm.

By 1am, blood tests had been taken and a Doctor had examined me and tried to perform an ultra sound that was inconclusive. She said I'd have to come back for a trans vaginal ultra sound the next day, since I was only 8 weeks pregnant, and that's the best way to see exactly what is going on as the baby would be so small. We wanted to wait for the results of the blood tests, but she said she'd call us that night with the results so I could go home to bed. As we walked out the door, I said to my husband, "If she doesn't call, it's a bad sign".

She didn't call. The next day we left immediately for the ultra sound and as the technician took her pictures, I saw her bite her bottom lip. I could tell from her face that my baby was gone. She couldn't tell me anything, but I knew. I was lying on the examination table and couldn't keep the tears from rolling down my face. She brought in a Doctor who examined the pictures and told me that though my cervix was closed (if it's open there is 100% certainty you are having a miscarriage), it appeared my baby didn't make it because he couldn't see it inside the sack, and though I should be just over 8 weeks, it appeared everything had stopped developing at around 6 weeks. He said something about a blighted ovum, but I couldn't sit through the rest of the diagnosis. I went to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out.

They sent me down to another Doctor who would compare the blood test results with the ultra sound. He told me that there were 3 things that told him I was having a miscarriage: The ultra sound results did not look good, everything was smaller than it should have been and my blood work had come back with such low hormone results, it was less than it should have been at 6 weeks. I asked if there was any way I was only 5 weeks pregnant. He said no, based on my last period. He then asked if we'd like to wait for a Doctor from gynaecology to discuss how I'd like to have it removed. It was so cold like, how would you like your dead baby to come out?

I was too upset to answer so my husband told him we would wait for the other Doctor to come discuss our options with us. We waited 2 hours and during that time, the baby started to pass. The contractions were the most incredible pain I've ever had in my life. Though I wasn't bleeding a lot, it felt like I was giving birth to a full term baby. When the Doctor arrived, she confirmed my cervix had opened and I was losing my baby. She explained that the pain would be unlike anything I'd experience in my life and gave me some medication and prescriptions. She told me the baby would likely come out the next day. This was Valentine's Day.

The next day, (ironically, Family Day) after 3 hours of excruciating labour, I lost my little baby. Though I had been led to believe it would break down in my body and parts of tissue would come out at a time, it came out whole in the sack. I felt it, I saw it and I sat bawling on the toilet with my pants around my ankles. My husband came in and sat with me.

After the baby passed, the pain subsided. I had been on Tylenol 3, midol and naproxen and those 3 combined didn't seem to make a dent in the pain. I'd never heard that a miscarriage can hurt so bad in so many ways.

I'm devastated that I lost our little angel. Our first baby who we had such great hopes for. I hope that he or she is safe in God's arms and knows how much we loved her or him and that we can meet again one day.


11 Replies

At a loss for words... on Feb 16, 2010 @ 11:47 am

I have tears streaming down my face after reading your post. Thank you for being so open and honest. I wish there was something I could say...

Your not alone on Feb 16, 2010 @ 12:30 pm

My deepest condolences goes out to you & your family. I have also been in this situation before & solely understand what it feels like to loose someone so close but remember that things always have to get worst before they can get better. I now have a 2 year old daughter after long and never ending year and I would not have had it any other way. Your time will come soon enough and although no life can be replaced for another, you will soon become acustomed to this experience, learn and live from it and keep it no where, but in your past. Just remember that your never alone & everything will always be fine!

... on Feb 16, 2010 @ 12:31 pm

I'm sitting at work and I'm same as anonym above... I'm simply at a loss for words. I'm so sorry you went through such pain sweetheart, I wish I had something to say to make you feel even a bit better. One of my close friends recently went through something very similar... these situations just makes us realize anew how helpless we truly are and how everything is in God's hands... I pray that things get better for you and your family.

I'm sorry on Feb 16, 2010 @ 12:36 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. No words will ever fix this. Grieve your baby. Love your husband. Let him love you. None of the cliche sayings will make you feel any better so I won't even go there. Just take the time to care for your body and grieve your loss. Take however long you need and don't feel bad or guilty about your feelings. {{HUGS}}

..... on Feb 16, 2010 @ 09:12 pm

I am so sorry that this happened to you....please please please make sure you have a good support system around you-your time will come but I worry about you right now.

You are in my prayers

Thank you on Feb 16, 2010 @ 10:04 pm

I am so touched by all of your comments. You are all so wonderful. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and encouragement. It means a lot.

so sorry! on Feb 17, 2010 @ 08:14 am

This is so very sad. Our deepest condolences to you! Have faith that you will soon be at peace about this. I agree with Spotty - lean on your husband right now and let him lean on you. You need each other most of all during this difficult time.


How to know if you are having a miscarriage on Feb 17, 2010 @ 02:24 pm

It's me again (original poster). I was just thinking how my symptoms started happening and how I had to search online for answers to confirm if something was wrong. I thought it would be good to post some symptoms of miscarriage here in case anyone else is going through this.

The Doctor will always tell you to wait at home and see what happens but that is the last thing you want to hear if there is something wrong. It's not like you can stop the process, but it's not good for your baby if everything is fine to have you at home with your heart pounding for days. If something is wrong, you'll want answers right away.

The symptoms I had were:
- Instinct that something was wrong (do not underestimate this)
- Stopped feeling pregnant/fading symptoms: No urgent need to pee, no food aversions, nausea or anything, less tired than I was before.
- Brown spotting (indicates dried blood)
- Cramping. I cramped the whole time I was pregnant and it rapidly increased towards the end. The Doctor told me it is not normal to have cramps the whole time.
- Eventually, red blood

Overall, I just knew something was wrong at least a week prior and I refused to take "relax at home and see what happens" for an answer. There is nothing scarier than wondering if your baby died while you carry on with the weekend.

Apparently miscarriages happen in 30% of pregnancies. Since I told my family I've learned of other family members who have gone through this too and though that is sad, there is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

For some reason this is almost a taboo topic and I feel like it would be better for us to support each other and share our stories so we know we are not alone. Right now, I have a pregnant family member and at least 3 pregnant colleagues (that I know of) and no one will ever know that I was supposed to have a baby around the same time as them. It will hurt to watch their bellies grow and see their little sweet peas, even though I will be so happy for them.

I wish there was a way to ensure no one else ever has to go through this.

All I can say is, if you have any of those symptoms or you feel like something is wrong, get it checked out. A miscarriage hurts far more physically and emotionally than you can ever know unless you've experienced it first hand, but knowing that you aren't alone and what to watch out for is really important.

so proud on Feb 17, 2010 @ 06:01 pm

Wow! I'm so proud you, original poster. You are so brave not only to share your experience w/ us, but also to use your experience as a stepping stone of growth and a means to help others who are experiencing, or may someday experience, the loss of a miscarraige. That is an incredibly healthful outlook I have no doubt that you and your husband will find fulfillment.

:) on Feb 18, 2010 @ 10:03 am

Thank you, Spotty. That is so kind.

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