on Jun 09, 2013 @ 01:57 pm

I had a miscarriage this Friday...I didn't even know I was pregnant. I am going to be 19 this Fall. Friday was my last day of High School. I usually don't get my period often. It's normal for me at times to miss it, the longest I went was 6 months one time. I notified my doctor and we were going to keep an eye on things. I was on my 4th month without having my period. I was trying to get in to see my doctor but his office hours are not the greatest. I was having severe cramps after school. This has happened to me before. So, I just usually have to wait it out until it passes. I then rolled onto my belly because the pain had become very intense and I felt this slight pressure then a pop and I felt liquid being released. I thought it may be my period flowing because I can get quite heavy when I don't get my period for such a long time but then I got up from the bed and my boyfriend noticed my clothes were wet so I thought maybe I wet myself because I have quite a small bladder and have had issues in the past but it just seemed weird because I have never wet myself before. So, I went to the washroom and sat on the toilet and I got up and noticed I was bleeding way more than I should in even a month, and then I felt something come out of me and I was so scared and unsure of what was happening. I didn't know what to do. So, I called for my boyfriend and I showed him. Eventually I called my Mom because I didn't know what to do. I told her what happened and she said I should go to the hospital so I did. And when I showed up, I brought what I extracted from the toilet. I was given tests, etc. I ended up seeing the doctor at 2 in the morning. There were no female doctors working so I had to talk to a male doctor and he wasn't as nice as he could have been when he finally told me I was pregnant. I then went home after a while and cried so much. I just can't believe I was pregnant and that I had a miscarriage. He told me that what I found in the toilet was probably my placenta. I don't even know if I am still pregnant. He told me I would have to come back to the hospital for a blood test and then see if my estrogen levels were going down. I am so upset. It's like for a moment I can take everything in and then the next I can't and it feels like a dream. I am so shocked. I haven't told anybody and my boyfriend has been more than supportive to me. We've been together for almost 3 years now and have known each other longer. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't want to tell my Mom. She would probably lecture me and just make me feel worse and I just am not very close to her in general. I don't want to tell his Mom because she is a nurse and I am afraid to embarrass her and to hurt her feelings. I made sure to go to another hospital other than the one she works at because I know she knows everyone. She is very kind and good to me but I just don't want to put more on her plate and for her to be disappointed in me. I don't know what else to say...I just can't believe I am even writing this...I am so very sad and don't know where to go from here. I was only 4 weeks pregnant she said. I play rugby and I thought that might have led me to miscarriage but I am not sure. I don't smoke and am very healthy. Miscarriages don't run in my family. I feel very guilty that I lost the baby and that I might have injured the baby.

4 Replies

Don't blame yourself on Jun 10, 2013 @ 09:38 am

First of all, miscarriages are a sad but completely normal event. According to WebMD, as many as 1/2 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, often when the woman is not aware that she is pregnant. It is most common in the first trimester (i.e. first 3 months).

I'm not a doctor/nurse/healthcare professional, but my understanding is that most of the time the woman's activities/habits are not to blame for miscarriages. It's just "one of those things". While the causes are not all understood, it's believed (again, according to WebMD) that in many cases the fetus is in some way unviable (ie. unhealthy) due to chromosomal abnormalities. Neither the mother nor the father's health are related to these types of abnormalities.

SO, the bottom line is that this was quite likely not your fault. It's normal to grieve the loss, even if you weren't expecting to/didn't want to become pregnant. Becoming a mother is a very primal thing, and that good ol' mothering instinct lies deep in all of us.

As for sharing this information with the Moms in your life... I'm sorry to hear you aren't close to your mom. This would be a situation where you could really use her support, but we all realize that involving a person who will be critical of you especially as you're needing to heal physically and emotionally can make you feel worse. Your BF's mom being a nurse will probably realize better than most other people that this situation is not your fault. This is also her grandbaby, and if you need to confide in someone, she might just be the right person. Alternatively, are you close to one of your aunts or grandmothers? You really need the support of a strong woman right now! You may be surprised after confiding in someone that they may have suffered a miscarriage too.

People being disappointed in you: what are they going to be disappointed about?

(a) disappointed that you're sexually active - well, if you've been with your BF for 3 years and you're nearly 19, most people would probably assume that you are sexually active. It would be different if you were single/casually dating and sleeping around.

(b) disappointed that you became pregnant in the first place - again, if they assume you're sexually active, then everybody knows there is no such thing as perfect birth control. The only thing that is 100% is not having sex. Lots of women become pregnant on the pill, using condoms, or other preventative methods.Here's keeping it real though: if you were having unprotected sex, girlfriend, you need to change that immediately. It's not smart. Hopefully that's not the case :)

(c) disappointed that you miscarried - backing up to my first point, most miscarriages cannot be prevented or predicted. There are lots of women who are drug users, are being physically abused, are Olympic athletes, are in car accidents, etc etc etc who bring a baby to full term. Miscarriages due to trauma can happen, but just being sporty is probably not one of them. In your case, you did not even know you were pregnant, so being extra careful, taking prenatal vitamins, etc was not something you foresaw. And if your child passed away due to a chromosomal abnormality, then no amount of vitamins or bedrest would have prevented your miscarriage.

My point in this lengthy response is that I hope you will see how little control of the situation you had, and therefore how useless it is to blame yourself. I'm thrilled that your BF is standing by you and being supportive. When/If you tell one of the Moms is up to you, but you could use all the support you can get.

Be aware that you may experience certain symptoms, including post-partum depression and physical issues as your hormone levels go back to normal and your body readjusts to a non-pregnant state. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve! The sadness will ease and unless you have an underlying health condition (ask your doc) you should be able to become pregnant again one day when you are ready. Until then, protect yourself :)

Good luck! *hugs*

Ali de Bold
I had a miscarriage too on Jun 11, 2013 @ 10:53 pm

First of all, Mamaluv is right and she gave you some great advice.

Your miscarriage experience was very similar to mine in terms of the pain and what came out. I did know I was pregnant though and I was almost finished my first trimester. It is a really hard thing to go through whether you were expecting the pregnancy or not. It's ok to grieve and I think anyone who has been through one questions if it is their fault. It is not your fault.

Plenty of women have babies who live reckless lifestyles and there are even cases of women who go through their entire pregnancy without realizing they are pregnant until the baby is literally being born. Usually miscarriages are the result of your body recognizing that the pregnancy isn't viable and the baby wouldn't survive. In that respect it is a blessing in disguise. It is really hard though and you will always have a special place in your heart for that baby. I do for mine :).

I do think you should talk to your Mom. Don't worry about what she might say. She may be more understanding than you think though I'm sure she will tell you to be more careful. Any mother would say that. Even though you are in a stable relationship having a baby right now is probably not ideal for you but there is no need to be secretive or ashamed. Get the support you need to heal.

Big hugs to you!

Sorry..... on Jun 12, 2013 @ 08:19 pm

I'm really sorry to hear that you had a miscarriage. It can be tough to go through something like that. I will say that I myself had one 7 years ago. I felt it was my fault too as I'm a smoker. It was scary enough for me too. I thought, oh okay, maybe it was just my period being late. But no, i was losing so much blood that i was barely able to go from the bathroom to the phone a mere 20 feet away to call 911. I was crying, trying to remain calm and all at the same time, trying to keep alert. I felt like i was going to faint and/or die right there, as I lost sooo much blood. The 911 operator was a bit rude as I was so weak i could barely talk, all of my energy was practically gone. She told me to speak up, i said i can't as i think i'm having a miscarriage and i'm losing a lot of blood and weak. Finally at the hospital, i was there for far too long. As i was on the stretcher, more blood was coming. I thought that's it's i'm going to die right here. Finally, they determined i was loike 8 weeks along. I cried after that when i stayed in the hospital overnight for a little while and thought why God? Anyways, very few people know about this. I didn't tell my mom at first because i thought she was going to be mad at me. It took a really long time for me to mention it to her; even though my mom and i are really close. My dad knew, as soon as he practically got home from work, as let's just say, the bathroom looked like a horror scene in a movie. my mom was the last one to know. after having my miscarriage, the doctor did a D&C;and put me on birth control pills. When the time is right, and you'll know it, do let those around you that care about you know about this. Take your time as this IS a difficult thing to go through. I'm sorry to hear about your loss and do hope that you get through this, actually, I know you will. It's just going to take time. And please, please, don't blame yourself for what happened.

Thank-you. on Jun 14, 2013 @ 03:29 pm

It's been really difficult this last past week for me and the information and stories you have written were both equally helpful. I am moving on slowing but surely. The pain has not completely gone away nor do I think it will but I feel a sense of peace knowing that I have gone to my Doctor and that I will be alright. The bleeding has stopped and I will be doing weekly blood tests for a while to make sure everything is alright and going according to plan. Thank you all for replying, it really helped me through this hard time in my life.

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