Advice. Please Help


Anonymous
on Dec 16, 2012 @ 08:05 pm


Hi me and my gf of 5 years broke up on nivember 4th 2012.  after the break up i mad all the mistakes begged, pleaded. cryed, told her how i cant live wihtout her ect... we didint talk for a week and her parents owed me money so i went out to get it and talked to her. we both cryed and told eachother our mistakes and then i talked to her later that day and i asked if she would c me again that night to talk more. she said she wanted to sleep on what was said and talk the next night. everything felt like it was moving in the right direction. the next night it went the complete other direction on me and i left crying begging and pleading all over again..

between november 4th and that day 3 weeks ago now. there was e mails texting and calling. alot of crying from me and begging and telling her how i was depressed and wasnt myself from working a gravyeard shift for the last 2 years... i have recently quit got a new job during the day with weekends off and am going back to school. i really thought this would get her attention as i did it for myself however it was also what we both wanted when we were together.  it is her bday on tusday and i have already dicided not to call or anything couse it just hurts to much right now... i have been in 0 contqaact for 3 weeks now and i cannot afford to make anymore mistakes i need her to make first contact from now on... i am wondering even after all of these mistakes.1, do i still have a chance/? 2, how long do you think until she may breakdown and call me? and should i just send a text saying happy bday and then leave my ohone alone for the day so i dont c what is said back so i am not hurt?

i really hope there is somone out there who can help me.. i love her and i just wanna a second chance..

thank you for any advice.
 

17 Replies


LissaG
The truth is... on Dec 17, 2012 @ 02:16 pm

...sometimes life just sucks. It sounds like she made the decision to break up, and if she hasn't tried to make any contact within 3 weeks, it's probably over.

Unless you're the type of couple who does this often (breaks up then gets back together every few weeks or so), it seems like she's really pulled out of the relationship. I know it's very hard to hear, especially since you're finally changing your life to what you both wanted while you were together (changing jobs and going back to school), but sometimes it's really just 'too little too late'.

Also, waiting until she "breaks down and calls you" maybe isn't the best approach. If you seriously love her, don't try and play petty games, just tell her. Call her and say "I love you. I want you in my life. Is there any chance of us ever getting back together in the future?" And if she says "yes", then great! But if she says "no", you can start moving on with your life.

It'll be a hard conversation, but one you need to have. You need to find out either way so you can move forward--hanging onto false hope isn't good for you, and it isn't good for her either, because you'll end up resenting her for it in the long run. Right now it seems like you're trying to hide from it all (ex when you say you want to text her then avoid your phone so you don't see her reply and get hurt). This is totally understandable, ending a 5 year relationship is world-shattering, but you need to face the situation rather than run from it.

Like I said, life just sucks sometimes! But trust me, the only way the situation will ever get better (whether you guys get back together or stay broken up) is by acknowledging it and dealing with it in the right way.

That being said, it sounds like it was a good decision for you to take those steps to better your personal situation (changing jobs and going back to school), and just know that even if your relationship is over these new changes will bring positivity and a lot of new people into your life!
Reply

Carts08
thank you on Dec 18, 2012 @ 02:25 am

hi thank you for your information. i had that perticular chat with her the last time we talked and her answer to if she wants to try again was she didint no if she would want to or not. so i told her i would not contact her or talk to her in anyway for any reason and that she needs to make up her own mind and contact me. and i left it at that. however i am in a panic becosue it is her birthday tomaorw. and i really dont no what to do. but i cant call. and i kinda no on x mas she will call just to say merry xmas and i really think it is best for me and the chances of the relationship to happen again. to just not answer the phone i think i occation is a bad reason to break no contact after i have already told her i dont wanna talk to her inless it is about seeing her and trying to start over or if it is a emergency situation.

anyway thank you for your advice if u have anymore i would love it i wanna feel better. but i want her back and i no the only way to do that is to feel better first so i can c and talk to her without crying or getting upset. anyway thank you for the help i hope u can help sommore it would be awsome.
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Ali de Bold
Give her some more time on Dec 18, 2012 @ 09:57 am

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know breakups are horrible and even worse when you don't know if there is still a chance.

I do think you should wish her a happy birthday. Keep it really simple like a card or a nice email or text. Don't call her.

The worst thing you can do right now is push her or let her see you cry as it will push her further away. You wouldn't want her to be with you because she pities you. The best thing you can do is take good care of yourself and do everything you can to improve your situation (health, work, mental - anything that might be bringing you down). Eventually she will see that you are doing well and are happy and that is attractive. Even if you don't end up back together, you will be better off for taking care of yourself now. Good luck! :)
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Carts08
thank you on Dec 18, 2012 @ 10:31 pm


thank you for your advice however i just cant bring myself to break no contact to say happy birthday i dont no if i am right nor wrong i just no i wont be able to handle when she replys in anyway.
however i no she is probly going to call on xmas and i am unsure how i should handle it i dont want to answer i think just becouse it is a holiday dosent make a good reason to force a phone call. or force a conversation. i think it may be best just to ignor it.

im really hoping to hear from her soon everywere i read says that she should call around the 45 day mark of no contact wanting to try and be frainds.. im really scared of the frainds zone but i think with or past i will be able to get back into the i love u zone quickly.


however im still scared of the phone call if it happens on xmas. does anyone no how i should take it and how i should try and handle it??
Reply

mamaluv
be honest with her, with yourself on Dec 19, 2012 @ 10:01 am

There is no rule that says you have to be friends with your ex. For many people, that's just not realistic even if it's been a long time since the relationship ended.

Try to reduce your expectations to Zero. If that call comes, decide whether or not to accept the call from a "blank slate" perspective.

(1) If you are not emotionally ready to talk to her, don't answer your phone!

(2) If you are emotionally ready to talk to her, just don't be the first to bring up the relationship. Since she is the one pushing away, any pressure from you is sure to push her farther.

You've made your feelings completely clear. She is the one who either can't decide or is purposely giving you ambiguous answers because she can't bring herself to tell you the truth.

Honestly, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't call or accept a phone call. At this point the best thing you can do is allow things to cool off. If you're meant to be together, it will happen later. If you got back together too quickly, there'd be a lot of raw feelings that might make your reconciliation really difficult.
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Carts08
thanksagain everyone on Dec 19, 2012 @ 05:08 pm


thank you for your advice.

i really miss her and the days arnt getting easier. it gets harder and harder to get up each day. everyone says it should be getting easier. but i dont see that happening. im wondering if she may feel the same way or if she is completely gone. and off doing her own thing with no thought in the world for me anymore. i meen it was 5 years and it was a great time and we never got into fights... i just dont understand. i cant stop hoping and looking for answers. i keep hoping in the new year she will remember me and want to try again.

i made this letter and i think i need to send it at the end of my 60 days of no contact does anyone have any advice on if it is a good idea or not? i want her back i dont wanna make it easier for her to leave me. i wanna win her heart back i just need a 2nd shot i no she will love me again if i get the chance.


Hi dumper


I’ve had time to
think about things and I’ve realized this break up is for the best. I’m moving
on with my life and you should too.


I hope you’re doing
well; you’ve always been very strong, something I’ve always admired (although
VERY stubborn too!) so I know you’ll be just fine.


I’ve realized what I
had been missing out on in the past and I’m not going to let that happen again.
You wouldn’t believe what I’m up to this weekend


Hope we can catch up sometime in the future, but I think you
need space right now. Call me if you want to talk.



Talk later,


dumpee


Reply

Ali de Bold
Not a good letter on Dec 21, 2012 @ 12:52 pm

Sorry, but I don't think you should send her that. It's not honest and it's not mature.

I get that you want her to feel like she is missing out, but this isn't the way to go about it.

I'm not sure where you are getting these rules about 60 days of no contact, etc but what you are doing is playing a game with the hopes it will win her back.

You need to be genuine. If you are going to send her a letter, address it to her not "dumper". Don't refer to yourself as the "dumpee". Don't say that you're happy you broke up because you can see what you missed out on. It's not the truth and it isn't going to help you.

I think if you sent her an honest letter that explains how you really feel, you would feel better about sending it and she would be more likely to respond. Something like:

"Dear (her name),

I have had time to think about things and want you to know that I respect your decision to end the relationship. For that reason, I don't plan to contact you outside of this letter. I want you to know that our time together was very special to me and I miss you every day. I am really sorry that this didn't work out. I love you and genuinely wish you the best. "

Something like that. Just my two cents.
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Carts08
thank you on Dec 23, 2012 @ 12:23 am

thank you for your ideas. right now i am just trying to give her time and space. at some point early in the new yaer i need to find a way to make contact. im looking for any suggestions. i dont want to come across as begging for her back tho. i want to give her the chance to fal in love with me again tho. and give myself the chance to get her back. i no i have to give her time and space first. but at some point i need to talk to her to get her back.

any ideas on how long im on day 27 of not talking to her or seing her at all.

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Carts08
confusing on Dec 23, 2012 @ 02:23 am

my ex and my aunt were never close. never really talked. anyway my aunt ran into her at the hockey areana my aunt said nothing about me and my ex told her all about her new plans for school and about thing she is planning on doing. my aunt listened and said good for u.

my aunt says she didint say anything about me and she never asked about her but she said she was doing good.

im really confused i havent seen or spoken to her for 27 days and she never spoke to my aunt before really. im wondering y she would tell my aunt all of this?

was she trying to get information about me does she still care but may be to proad to call or is she just trying to get over it. im really confused about it. and the thing she is going to try and do in school now is somthing i told her she should try 2 years ago. anyway can anyone give me some insight on this?

thanks everyone
Reply

KatelynRose1984
Stop wasting your time. on Dec 23, 2012 @ 02:58 pm

I honestly think you should quit wasting your time with this girl. She obviously has moved on, and so should you. You seem like a genuine person, who wants to find love.. I understand that you want to share your feelings with her, but it's seriously not the right answer.
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