on Apr 20, 2016 @ 12:36 pm

A good friend whose been super upbeat and happy lately just told me she's been having an affair with someone she met online. She seems happier than I've seen her in months but I can't help bit think what's she doing is kind of wrong. At the end, she said why can't you just be happy for me? And then I felt bad...
Should I just drop it and let our friendship continue as usual?
Should I say something....
Anyone have experience with this sort of thing?


14 Replies

Yikes on Apr 20, 2016 @ 12:38 pm

Fuuuuck maybe it will end before you see her again.

hmmmm on Apr 20, 2016 @ 12:42 pm

That's tough. Maybe tell her something like while you don't condone extra-marital affairs, she will always still be your friend. Maybe if you talk it out with her, she'll tell you why she felt the need to stray in her marriage.
Her turning the tables on you ("why can't you be happy for me") really wasn't cool. It was very unfair of her

affairs on Apr 20, 2016 @ 12:46 pm

This is just one of those things that happen sooooo often. Just give her support, let her be happy.I don't condone it, however she's happy for a reason right?

Yes on Apr 20, 2016 @ 03:29 pm

A had a friend confide in me she was cheating on her super sweet, doting, kind husband. I was shocked. She said she 'liked the extra attention' even though her hubby was attentive and she admitted that. She was unsure who the real father of her 6 month old was... I told her I did not condone this and that she owed it to her hubby to be upfront for many reasons like who's the father, STD's and respect. She got mad at me as well, tried playing the 'be happy for me' card. Not cool. I told her I'd always be her friend but that she needed to own up to her mistakes and adked how she'd feel if he did that to her. She told him in a month. He forgave her, they worked it out and she did it again twice, 2 years later. Then he divorced her. I am no longer friends with her not only because of this but other reasons. She treats all her relationships as expendable.

I'd ask your friend what makes her unhappy with current hubby and if she wants to remain married or move on. I'd encourage her to end one relationship or the other because it's especially unfair to her husband.

Call her on it on Apr 21, 2016 @ 12:00 am

I think that real friendship sometimes means you have to tell your friend the thing they don't want to hear, but need to hear. What she is doing is wrong. You know this, I know this, and, on some level, she probably knows this, too. Call her on it. Don't condone things you don't are wrong, as it will just make you feel bad. Honestly, if I knew someone was cheating on someone, I think I would tell on them. Their partner deserves to know. Think of it this way: if somone were cheating on you, wouldn't you want to know?????? Also, people who cheat can bring STDs home. What if that poor guy wakes up one morning with a rash, or, god forbid, HIV?

. on Apr 21, 2016 @ 01:22 am

Wow. That is so shady. How horrible for her husband. I mean, still be friends with her if you want but it's so wrong for her to involve you. Now it's this moral thing, especially if you're good friends with her husband.
This happened to me too. My very selfish friend was constantly cheating on her bf of 9 years. She just didn't want to end try relationship with her bf bc she didn't want to deal with splitting of assets etc and finding a new place and having to pay her own way. It wasn't until months later I found out she was using ME as an excuse to her bf for why she wasn't coming home until 6am. I would leave the club early when we went out and she would hook up with random guys and tell me about it every single weekend, sometimes two or more guys a weekend! Ugh so gross! And in addition she didn't use protection! Yuck!
I told her to NEVER involve me in her excuses again. I ended up ending our friendship because morally I couldn't be a part of it anymore. She was using me and I liked her bf. He was so good to her and she treated him like trash. And treated HERSELF like trash. I can't respect someone who cheats constantly and exposes her bf (and all the guys she slept with) to STIs. Thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I told her many times to just leave her bf and she just wouldn't for such selfish reasons. I didn't tell her bf but I so wanted him to know for his health and bc she was just so trashy - he is a good guy and I couldn't stand knowing this info and knowing he had no idea. It was so sad. I was cheated on in a relationship and I eventually found out it was with many girls. It made me feel horrible but one person had the guts to tell me (the husband of one of the girls he slept with). It was so hard to hear but I was so glad looking back. I don't envy your position at all.

More info... on Apr 24, 2016 @ 05:29 pm

I'm the poster and wanted to add that my friend that is having the affair is not married. Thank God! The guy she met online and is sleeping with is married. My friend is in a long term relationship though. They are both attached pretty much.
She hasn't called or texted me lately. Pretty sure it is because She knew I didn't like what was going on.
Thanks for the advice

. on Apr 24, 2016 @ 06:35 pm

Sorry you're going through it. People like this don't realize the affect their actions have on others just by unloading the info on them. Of course any human with a heart would feel troubled knowing. She's selfish in so many ways. I don't know what else to say, sorry. Just that I wish you didn't have this on your shoulders.

walk away on Apr 24, 2016 @ 07:04 pm

If she's willing to so openly cheat on her man - she's willing to cheat on you. Hope you don't have a boyfriend or a crush. If she's not on him yet - she will be playing with him soon.
A 2-bit so and so did that to me. Jokes on her - the ex likes to kiss with his fist.

Agree! on Apr 27, 2016 @ 10:34 am

I absolutely agree with what everyone else is saying. Yes, we want our friends to be happy and certainly if she was in a toxic relationship that NEEDED to end then I'd say she should end her relationship and move on, but that's not what it sounds like here.

The thing about new flings is it ALWAYS feels good at first when we still have the butterflies and everyone is on their best behaviour. After a few months (or however long), everyone starts to show some of their less attractive quirks and suddenly you realize "oh, he's no better/is worse than what I had before!"

For her to say "can't you just be happy for me" is not allowing you to be a true friend. A true friend tells the harsh truths. Obviously, those truths should come from a place of genuine support and love, not from judgment. I can totally understand why your friend doesn't want to hear them because she's having the time of her life! She doesn't need a Debbie Downer reminding her that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side.

What frustrates me so much is that it sounds like her longterm boyfriend is a nice guy. I'm sure he has his negative aspects (like everyone) but he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Anyone who wants to stray should really ask themselves why they aren't willing to end the first relationship with DIGNITY and RESPECT rather than have multiple people on a string. That is the epitome of selfishness.

And to top it off, this new guy is married, so ... do the math! Even if this new relationship has a future, what confidence does she have that he won't cheat on her with someone else eventually?

Everything about this situation sets off red flags for me and you are so right to try to steer her toward the shore instead of heading over the waterfall. You're a good friend, even if she doesn't see it right now. Maybe your friendship will survive, maybe it won't, but at least you were brave enough to speak your conscience and you should feel good about that.

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