am I just over reacting in my head?


erinlee
on Jul 26, 2011 @ 02:46 am

Since everyone was so awesome with my last ex issue, here's one more :-P

Today he's been texting & fb inboxing me again. He basically says he's trying to "be understanding" (or something along those lines) and telling me certain things around the appartment I can buy off of him and keep it, (supposedly because he doesnt have the room & knows I could use them, but to be honest I think there's a good chance he's broke and wants to get high,and since he can't pawn my stuff anymore he's doing this.)
No personal items or anything like that... literally just generic household things. A couple garbage cans. A shower head. Some things (like a small indoor ladder) I can totally understand, and I'd have no issue throwing him a bit of cash since I need one (high ceilings, without the ladder I cant change the lightbulbs) and the ladder was definitely his beforehand. The little petty items, (like the removable shower head with different water pressures...or the uber cute oscar the grouch garbage can) I think its so stupid that he wants money for them, but on the other hand he's not asking for very much &  it does save me the hassle of replacing them.

Now, my issue isnt so much the money itself. I will admit that price wise, he's not being unreasonable.  Honestly, the issue Im having is probably just me making a bigger deal out of all this than I should be (I do that at times lol)

In my last post, it was brought up that hanging onto things from my ex is kinda like extra baggage in a way, and me and Jesse discussed all of that, regarding the furniture etc (and we agreed that we do want our own stuff.. even if its bought used, it's stuff we got together) I know that Jesse doesn't want anything of D's laying around here, and I totally understand and respect that, Im sure I'd feel the same way if the situation was reversed.

My only problem is, is I actually really like the things that D was asking about a bit of money for. I don't see the need to spend $20-30 on a new shower head, when I can cough up $5 for the one I have that works perfectly fine. There is absolutely zero sentimental past memories attached to any of these things.. I just dont feel the need to replace them needlessly.
On the other hand though, I know Jess feels strongly about not having anything that was his laying around. (reasons beyond the typical "I dont like your ex" stuff, but Im not gonna get into all that :P ) and like I said, I respect that 100%.

I could always just meet D outside and throw him $40-50 for everything and be done with it, never have to mention it. And normally thats exactly what I would do.  I dont know if him knowing that this stuff used to be D's would bother him.. and even if it doesn't I know that the fact he wants me to pay to keep them definitely would bother him.  To me the cash isn't an issue, if it means I dont have to go out and re-buy these things then as far as Im concerned he can take the 50 and I can forget all about it/him.
But I cant just slip out and throw him the $ cause I refuse to lie to Jesse. Even about the little things... and in my mind not telling him about a situation is the same thing as lying. Every relationship I've ever had was based on lies, drugs, etc etc. and we've talked about our histories, and we both made the conscious decision to do things differently this time.

Its kinda funny, even as Im writing this out, initially to try and decide whether or not to tell Jess or to just keep it quiet, I've totally answered that question. Apparently  all that mindless rambling somehow sorted that issue out in my head.

I think instead my only question now, is am I just being totally crazy and over reacting?  Cause I just re read what I wrote and to me it sounds like Im making a huge deal over nothing.. but even if it is nothing, for whatever reason it is a big deal to me. And that's my ramble of the night. :-P With any luck it'll be the last time I have to directly deal with him lol.
 


6 Replies


erinlee
..oops... on Jul 26, 2011 @ 02:48 am

My apologies, I had no idea I just wrote a bloody essay about this, lol.

One of these days Im gonna have to learn to write in short story format :P
Reply

Ali de Bold
Make the practical argument on Jul 26, 2011 @ 09:09 am

You are looking at this from a practical standpoint. You are right it would be cheaper to buy those things off your ex than replace them. Guys are pretty practical too - though they might not be when it comes to ex boyfriends. I'd run it by him the way you presented it here. If he is still strongly against it, just give it all back. It's not your problem if the ex doesn't have room for it anymore.. On the other hand he may be like, you're right! That is a pretty cheap ladder. Just make sure you aren't expecting him to put up with any items that have sentimental value, which it doesn't sound like you are.

BTW, if you do decide to buy the stuff from the ex, you need something in writing. Otherwise he has your cash and no agreement in writing saying you could keep his things and he can then continue to bother you. I'm saying this from personal experience where I had an ex try to sue me for literally every gift he ever gave me during the relationship. Even things I bought with my own money while we were dating - and we never even lived together. It made absolutely no sense but it was his way of trying to keep in contact with me. In the end, I hired a really great lawyer who sent him and his ambulance chasing lawyer running with one eff off letter and that was that.
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AlexJC
Start fresh! on Jul 26, 2011 @ 09:27 am

From a practical standpoint, you are right, it does make sense to buy these items off him. Of course something like a shower head or a garbage can don't carry sentimental value for you but this whole ordeal of prolonging the picking up of stuff and sending messages and getting you to pity him- they all sound like games to me. Going on and on like this is preventing you and your ex from fully getting on with your life.

Don't buy these items off him, it may seem cruel but if you aren't tied to him in any way, it's going to make it a lot easier to get on with life. If you still have his items at your house, I think it is time for an ultimatum- tell him he has a certain amount of time (make it like 2 weeks) to pick up his stuff or you will throw it out/donate it. This is going to be necessary if you want to move on. Think of how your current boyfriend feels with this ex looming over your relationship, it can't feel good. I think it is time to just completely sever this tie and start fresh- with a new person and new things.
Reply

CassLemon
Sentimental or not. on Jul 26, 2011 @ 11:46 am

Sure it will be a little more expensive but I agree with alexjc completely.

Althought you have no sentimental value for those items, they where still once his. You will think of this every time you look at them regardless. You cannot fully move on with constant reminders of what once was, in your home.

Reply

mamaluv
important to consider his (new BF) feelings on Jul 26, 2011 @ 11:55 am

I think you made a very interesting point that your current BF might be okay with keeping a trash can and a ladder but that paying for it might strike a sour note.

I too would first think to keep the practical items - how is a ladder sentimental, is exactly my reaction too.

However, it seems like this might just be a little loaded. Talk over things with your current BF and come up with a solution together - though the end decision should be yours. Whatever the outcome, he will appreciate that you kept him in the loop and didn't have backdoor dealings with your ex.
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erinlee
thanks.. Im so at the end of my rope! on Jul 31, 2011 @ 06:59 am

Thanks again...at least I dont feel so crazy for over-analyzing all of this. Im definitely reaching the limit of what I can put up with, with mr Crazy stalker lol.
Just a quick update... over the past 2 days he's been texting me about posts that my bf made on facebook like a week ago. My fb is private, you cant see anything except my profile pic unless Ive added you, but Jesse's is more open and thanks to the texts, we now know that D seems to be trying to stalk me through Jess's. Creepy huh?

Sadly, this stalkerish behavior has actually gone down in the past while. The first 4 or 5 months I was honestly expecting a rock to be thrown through my window with a death threat note attached to it, or something creepy like that.

Lucky me!!! :-P
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