Am I over-reacting & let him take the lead


Anonymous
on Jan 03, 2014 @ 03:11 pm

I been in this relationship for 3yrs up an down mostly down. We both are not afraid to say what we mean but when he drinks he continues to bring up my past relationships and always putting me down calls me names then gets on phone and tells people lies about me. At first this put me on fire and I let him have it.

When he is not drinking he is very lovable kind funny man.  I fell in love with him this person not drinking. After time he drank more and more frequently and we are just continually fighting will he is about the same thing ovr and over. It just don't make sense. It got to point he kicks me out of home. I became depressed and did not want to go back he promised not to act like that. I said I want you stop drinking.

He never did I am still back and forth listening to the same broken record I just don't pay attention but it still hurts. He claims I don't listen he is the man I need to let him have say so and what goes. I don't let him make final decisions for us that a man is suppose have control of his home and that I do as I please.

I been indapenant most of my life raised 5 kids and now have 4 grandchildren I had to be stern not back down and fight for myself and children to survive. I always was the one in control when came to my kids household. I did not have serious relationships while kids were in home.

All kids gone met my boyfriend made that plunge to move in with him a year later we started to fall apart. I do love him and maybe I have been stubborn not letting him be head of household but still I don't deserve the verbal abuse and constantly kicked out. Heck will it get worse if I give him the opportunity and all obligations & not correct or go against what he is trying to do. What to do.??? should I just give him that chance is that what men want? I am lost but to independent but I don't want to be alone either. Thanks

 


8 Replies


TahlequahChickadee
The Boot! on Jan 03, 2014 @ 04:10 pm

From what I can tell, from reading what you have typed, you need to give him the boot the family jewels, and leave.
If you decide to leave have an exit plan in place, and have a friend ready to help you. Make sure his name is not on anything jointly, and get the heck out of dodge. No one deserves to be verbally abused, etc....
You sound like an awesome lady and you are deserving of someone as equally awesome in your life that will treat you like a queen and not the servant.
Good Luck in your decision, and I will be saying an extra prayer for you.
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mamaluv
You already know the answer on Jan 03, 2014 @ 04:36 pm

Honey, you clearly already know what you need to do but are afraid to do it! I can only imagine how intimidating it must be to think of trying to find love again with someone new, and so it feels more comfortable to stay with what you have.

You also say you have kids and grandkids. I'm sure you don't want them to see this example of a jerk mistreating their mother and grandma because it will give them a warped idea of what they should expect to receive from their spouses.

I have several members in my family who found new chances at love after their first husbands/wives passed away, and all of them were approximately between 40-70 years old when they found these new relationships.

You should be more afraid of what staying in this relationship will mean for you and for your family rather than being afraid that it's too late to find another love.

You deserve better, and that's really what the bottom line is here. Be strong, be safe! Without help, your boyfriend's behaviour will probably only get worse :(

*hugs*
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mamaluv
one more thing... on Jan 03, 2014 @ 04:42 pm

I think there's nothing wrong with one partner or another being in the lead.

Even in relationships when both partners have strong personalities, each person probably leads in one area and submits in another. You can't both be right every single time, and there's nothing wrong with one person getting the final say in more than 50% of the decisions. Sometimes you're really just blocked on a decision and someone has to "win" or nothing will be accomplished. That's why there is one head honcho at every company, not a committee.

That said, it sounds like he's acting like an ass about it. If he really loved you and really had your best interests at heart, he would never make a decision that damaged you in some way. The reverse is also true: if you really loved him, you wouldn't fight him on non-issues. It's just as true if you were the dominating force and he the submissive one.

I'm not implying that you are doing this :) Just that this piece of wisdom has helped me from time to time.
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littlebird519
Let me tell you from experience on Jan 04, 2014 @ 09:48 pm

you need to get out of that relationship because it will only get worse if you keep letting these things happen. I was in a horrible relationship that started off great. The first three years we were together we lived apart, but then moved in together to move to another city. Within the first 3 months we were aggressively fighting. I am 105 pounds, my boyfriend was over 200 pounds and would throw me around, yell at me, lock me out, emotionally abuse me, and financially abuse me. I kept thinking he would change or he would 'it would be the last time', well the last time didn't come until he almost killed me. These things go in cycles and you can clearly see them when you allow yourself. There are good times that slowly change into times of tension, then there is a breaking point, either a fight or something that triggers dispute, then you are both sorry and things are good again. I didn't want to lose my relationship and still believe that my boyfriend can be a good person, but I cannot trust him enough to be alone with him. A relationship is between two people, if you want to let him make more decisions that is between you both, but both of you need to have respect for each other, and if it doesn't happen than you need to take a good look at what you are living in before you decide to go any further.
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Anonymous
<3 Be Strong on Jan 04, 2014 @ 10:39 pm

Leave. You know in your heart this treatment isn't right.

You are delaying the inevitable.

KICK him OUT!

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AlexJC
You know what you need to do on Jan 08, 2014 @ 12:35 pm

You said it yourself: it's a broken record. Nothing changes, it's a cycle that you're stuck in. @littlebird519 said it exactly right too. And @mamaluv pointed out that you seem to know deep down what you need to do, you just haven't done it. Be strong and take care of yourself by putting your own needs first. You deserve better!
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KatelynRose1984
Fool me once. on Jan 11, 2014 @ 08:50 am

I personally don't understand these types of relationships, as I'm the type of person that believes in -- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

You need to leave. Take a deep breath, realize that it's going to be hard - but LEAVE.
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flaka094
nooooo on Jan 23, 2014 @ 11:00 am

you just said it all. if he is doing that to and wont quit then why be with him? Whether he's the father of your kids or not if they see you upset etc its affecting them. Thats no way to live. Try to get him to go to aa or a treatment program. But remember to always put yourself first. Be happy
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