Am I over-reacting or is his sister destroying our relationship?


Anonymous
on May 05, 2015 @ 03:46 pm



I don’t even know where to start. Me and my boyfriend have
met 6 years ago. It took him quite a long time to introduce me to his parents
and particularly to his sister. At the beginning I didn’t understand why it
would be such an issue. He mentioned that his mum and sister are quite
overprotective. At that moment I thought for myself that it cannot be that bad,
I mean, I am not a whore or a bad person so why would they have something
against me. Well, I was right about his mum, she is absolutely amazing with me,
and I love her to bits. However, his sister started something I fail to understand
until now.



 



Basically, it all started during her Birthday 4 years ago.
Me and my boyfriend had a fight over messages during that day, it spoiled his
mood and obviously she got angry with me. I can see what have I done wrong, but
at the same time, I listened to this story for the next three years each time I
have seen her, she was literally ever since didn’t forget to mention how bad I
was and that it wasn’t the best introduction.



What followed was a series of events…because my boyfriend’s sister is older and
has quite difficult personality, she is alone. So on the top of dealing with
listening how I ruined her birthday on every single meeting, I had to put up
with my boyfriend’s  ‘I can’t hold your
hand, or kiss you in front of my sister because I feel sorry for her because
she doesn’t have a boyfriend.’…I have tried to suck it up, but he hurt me quite
a lot without even realising.



Once, I have spent a weekend at his parent’s house and his mum told me to be
very careful with his sister that she is very jealous and very possessive about
my boyfriend. Basically she used words ‘she hates you’..well that was it, first
time I have been thinking if I really need this. Time went on and more and more
problems emerged, with her randomly texting me that I play games with her
brother, that she can see right through me, talk to his friends about, telling
them how she makes effort to talk to me. Maybe that wouldn’t bother me that
much if my boyfriend stood up for me – he always said ‘I haven’t seen it or I haven’t
been there or I haven’t read it so I cant really say my opinion, or worse he
blames me …’ I honestly think that he just doesn’t want to deal with his sister
to not to create argues between them, and also because he is more comfortable
talking to me about the issue and to tell me off for things I haven’t done. The
icing on the cake was last year Christmas time. It all started with my decision
to come over for Christmas and her texting me that family should really be
together …giving me a hint that I am not really welcome. I was a bit naïve telling
her that my mum is a bit upset but I would like to spend my Christmas holiday
with my boyfriend. Immediately I had angry message from my boyfriend whether or
not I am coming. I thought ‘great, for a second I was stupid once again when I
was too honest’.. but my stupidity continued…because she and him had a massive
argue over NYE, she left the house. I felt sorry for her so much that she would
be alone that I went to her house to get her back to parents house where we
celebrated. Meanwhile, she started to talk to me about personal things how she
is always to blame to start argues, and what do I know about problems that I
come from the perfect family. When she said this, I thought maybe she is in the
end not jealous about me being with her brother, she might be jealous in
general, so all I have to do is open up and maybe tell her that I am not really
coming from the perfect family… I had really bad childhood, seeing my mum being
beaten up by her then boyfriend and lots of ugly things that child shouldn’t see.
I thought that after telling her more about myself she would change opinion on
me…WRONG move..very wrong. After I said few things to her, that my mum I also
divorced (My boyfriends mum is quite religious so when my boyfriend introduced
me he always referred to my mums partner as to my dad…I left it as is because it
is his family and his decision to say this. I felt like I should tell his mum
when the time is right…) . I was told to be quiet because it is really my
boyfriend who should say that he lied..one 
week later I have received a call from their mum, telling me that my
boyfriend’s sister told her I am a liar who manipulates with everyone and she
used as an example that my dad is not really my dad. I couldn’t believe it!!



I have deleted her from Facebook, Whatsapp and I refuse to talk to her
after  that. She also sent me a lot of
abusive messages that I feel safe only because her brother fucks me, and that I
should get over myself, that what she did was not really bad, etc…We haven’t talked
for 1,5 years since that, because I just simply had enough of these dramas that
has my name in it and I don’t even know how I got there…Obviously now it
creates issues because my boyfriend loves her, he can see her issues but he
wants me to be on good terms with her so there are no awkward situations when
we have to meet on family events.



My concern is that I was trying to be nice to her, open up
to her. I feel that if I start talking to her again, everything  what I say or even don’t say will be used
against me again. My boyfriend really doesn’t stick up for me and it is
frustrating because as much as I love him, my brain and even the heart is
telling me ‘escape whilst you can’. I really believe he is my soulmate and I
would give up many things in order to  be
with him, but how could I be happy if I know that she will always shape our
relationship, she will always be around because my brother will be her only
family one day, she is nearly 40 with no boyfriend and no kids.. I am a bit
lost here…..she is one of those who will invite you for a party and if you cant
come, she says ‘don’t worry I will send you some love’ and then she puts a
picture of my boyfriend and 5 girls around him on Facebook saying’ one love’….
When I get mad at him how stupid he is and what a bitch she is, he calls me
paranoid..I mean that girl even has his name tattoed in a heart…I don’t know
anymore if I am sane or not….

We talk about marriage and kids but I would really like to know what to do about this whole situation with his sister..s



 


4 Replies


Kylee
Wow.. on May 05, 2015 @ 06:40 pm

This just sounds like a lot for you to handle, lots of drama with you and his sister which is not good at all. If he loves you then maybe he should talk to them about it and if they don't start being nice to you then I can't see how the situation would get any better. Have you tried to patch things up with them? Or are they always going to feel this hatred towards you? This sounds like such a toxic situation that should be worked through...

I don't know what else you tell you but he should tell his sister that he loves you so she should learn to love you too or at the very least respect you.

Goodluck with everything. Hope all goes well.
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11kalf
Not okay on May 05, 2015 @ 07:10 pm

This is obviously not a situation that is okay to just tolerate. Could you maybe talk to her mom? Not like in a tattle-tale way, but to find some possible common ground, or find out how to make things better
Reply

gl0ss
Odd on May 05, 2015 @ 11:54 pm

The sister in this situation sounds like a very sad, insecure person. There maybe some deeper issues here, a lot of the time when people are not happy in their own lives they like to cause drama in other peoples lives to make themselves feel better. She is probably very close with her brother and he maybe the only person who tolerates her special type of crazy hence why she is very protective over him.
I've had my own problems with family over the years and I have felt that keeping them at arms length is the best way to deal with them. Keep interactions short and sweet, just try and avoid any sort of confrontations with the person. Reach out to the mom and brother and see if there is a possible way to find something in common you two may have. Your boyfriend should however try to help you in some way by sticking up for you, by him not telling her that her behaviour is not okay is just encouraging her to continue to act the way she does and it's not okay
Reply

danayyc
Yikes on May 20, 2015 @ 10:31 pm

Well, clearly the Mom has at least a bit of an idea that her daughter is a piece of work since she warned you to be careful because the sis hates you. Sad thing is, if you marry your bf, his family comes with him. Which would be okay if he stood up for you, but that does not sound like to be the case. That would bother me immensely. I mean you don't ever have to see her, but even if you do avoid her, if you'll have kids, your bf (hubby) will more than likely take them for family events which will include her...and she might be talking against you in front of the poor little souls and they won't understand a thing. This is something that I think should be brought up with your bf before you make any moves forward. Imagine fighting with your hubby in front of the kids about something like this - not cool.


In some ways it sounds like the sister could really use some counseling but I would imagine she won't go for that will she.


In all honesty I think things should start with your bf telling her to leave you alone because you are the one he is planning on spending the rest of his life with. If he cannot do that, you basically have two options - and I don't meant to sound harsh, it just is what it is, either you suck it up that she treats you the way she does, or you send your bf packing and look for another life partner...I honestly hope your bf can stand up for you. As much as I understand he feels sorry for her, there is really no excuse for her behavior.

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