Anger management

on Nov 06, 2012 @ 12:44 am

I have been with my fiance for 10 years now, since we were in grade 8. We know each other inside out, what ticks us off and what makes us happy. We are married but still haven't moved in. We have been in a long distance relationship for our 4years and hopefully next year is our last, just tell i graduate and he gets into his phd program. We talk on daily basis, see him during the summer and christmas vacations and our relationship is close to perfect when we are together. Its also pretty good even with us in different countries, but all couples have their issues and they are worse when you can't physically have a conversation with him. When he is good with me, he is the best, when he is upset or pissy or whatever he is worst. I have't been able to properly say how i feel, because everything to him has to be logical and rational or else it doesn't make sense to him and he would tell me to suck it up. I am a very impatient person and carry the world's weight on my shoulders, and he's jus been not understanding and hasn't been compromising, I need to get him to compromise, to let go of things, to feel in general!! Why is it so hard for them to do something just because they love you? I compromise all the time because I know some things are just not worth it. I am very perceptive ingeneral of what men try to do and how to act with them but im just so irritated. There is this one thing he does which is laugh when i am angry. and the other day we were arguing and saw him about to burst out in laughter so i told him, if he does that i would hang up. He laughed, I hung up. Tried to call him back and he answered then hung up. and we have been fighting non stop, he wont apologize, and i refuse to cuz im sick of compromising. Because I was so impatient, I said so much things that have been bottled up, and I jus don't know how to solve this anymore. Tried to be the better person and sent him a few sweet mgs which i got nice replies for but still, things are not okay. I am just so tired with dealing with everyone's stress. Besides my relationship that i have to keep in tact, my dad is in complete debt although we have restaurants but he cant seem to manage his financial life. I am raising my 15 year old brother trying to get him on the right track. my mother lives back home with my other sibling. Then there's school stress and u know what, trying to finish it, get married and get away. but now every where i look seems so stressful... im so tired :((

4 Replies

Communication on Nov 08, 2012 @ 10:22 am

He shouldn't be laughing at you when you are trying to tell him how you feel. It's belittling, rude and not helpful. Regardless of whether or not it makes sense to him, it's how you feel and he should respect that. Otherwise your relationship won't last.

I think your relationship is strained because of the distance as well and sometimes that can't be helped. When you do move in together, you might want to look into couples therapy to try and get your communication on the right path.

Also, you definitely need to take some me time. It's obvious that you are a generous and caring person but sometimes you to just say no. If you keep giving to everyone but yourself you will become miserable and this is way too stressful for you.

Why are you apologizing? on Nov 09, 2012 @ 03:32 am

Dear Anonymous,
I feel so horrible reading your query. I don't know if I should be this honest, but I feel as though right now, your relationship is very toxic to your health. Not to mention, there is no balance or form of equality in your relationship. As Alex has mentioned, when he laughs at your feelings, he is belittling you and treating you in a condescending way. In my opinion, if he is this way now, when he gets his PhD, he might be even more belittling, I say this because like I said, there is no balance and it seems as though he has more power in your relationship. If he dismisses your feelings, and somehow has you messaging him first when he was the one who was rude or insensitive towards, this means one of you loves the other more and one of you respects the other more. From where I am standing, it is you. You could very likely be sacrificing your own dreams and aspirations for his desire to attain his PhD. Are you both the same culture? Religion? Are you close with his family? Do you feel confident enough to communicate with one of his family members to find out if anything is different in his life. You say, when he is good he is the best, when he is bad he is horrid. The extremes can be very dangerous in a love-relationship, and unless you tread carefully, you could be creating and perpetuating a very vicious cycle. Maybe you two need to really have a good long sit-down face-to-face conversation about the status of your relationship. Assess whether you are both getting the basic needs and wants out of the relationship and ponder whether or not it is still worth it to pursue.
I wish you all the best, and hope that you both can resolve the issues you are having. If you are correct, and you two really are amazing when you two are together, then I will be really happy for you once you two are together again.

Take care!

(y) on Nov 09, 2012 @ 12:43 pm

Thank you for your replies girls. I broke down eventually cuz of all the stress and we spoke, he at the end of the day has a soft spot for me just like i do for him. He still made me apologize two days after for hanging up. I let it go, cuz i need to talk to him face to face and set things out just like u were saying anjanie777. I know it's unhealthy, but the distance really doesn't help. I see him next month, and hopefully I can settle these things out & get to a proper understanding. The difference between me n him, is he is so patient and i am so impatient. I know i can get what i want from him if I just learn to calm down and stop being so tempermental. I only thing this is possible when i move out of the stressful household I live in and finally move in with him.

I hope it isn't as toxic as it seems. I definitely need a bit of me time. im working on it, getting my close friends to intervene when those times r needed so I don't end up miserable ofcourse.

Thanks guys.

Hang in there on Nov 15, 2012 @ 11:07 pm

I know how you feel. I had to leave a little before mine would act right and believe me he did way worse. I feel for ya girl.

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