Babies out of Wedlock?


chick4585
on Jul 03, 2012 @ 11:36 am

Is having kids without being married considered "acceptable," in your opinion? Are there certain circumstances under which it would be, and/or those under which it wouldn't be? If so, what are they? Just interested in your thoughts.
 

17 Replies


mamaluv
what's acceptable and what's ideal are not the same thing on Jul 03, 2012 @ 11:59 am

I believe being in a stable marriage is the IDEAL way to start a family. I don't think it's ever ideal to be unmarried and/or single when kids are brought into the picture. Whether you have faith-based reasons or secular reasons, most experts agree that children need a mother AND a father full time for the best possible start in life. It gives children an enormous amount of security when mom and dad love each other and live in the same house.

Obviously, situations arise and marriages/common-law relationships fail, and then you just have to make do the best you can. Some marriages should end because they are toxic and/or abusive, but that doesn't mean that being unmarried and having children is ideal.

As for "acceptable", this is something that is up to everyone to determine for themselves. Many people will make this decision based on their personal (and moral) beliefs. I'm sure there are very few women out there who purposely become pregnant while unmarried (and just for argument's sake, I'm going to call long-term common-law relationships "married" because the stability factor is 99% the same), and there's a good reason for that. We see certain celebs who are unmarried and choose to become mothers (either adoptive or birth mothers), but let's not forget that (a) they have much more support than the average woman in terms of nannies, etc, and (b) while high-profile, they are still in the minority.

I personally don't think there's any situation in which I'd say it's a good idea to become pregnant without being married. It has to be about what's best for the child. If you are in a toxic relationship - whether married or just dating - this is not the environment in which to raise a child. If you lack the support of a father figure (emotional, financial, etc) for your child, this is not the ideal situation for a baby. You can be married and your husband can be a total bum - this is also not the ideal situation for a baby.

The bottom line is, what is in the child's best interests?
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luxx
Perfectly fine on Jul 03, 2012 @ 12:00 pm

I think it's perfectly fine for people to have babies without/before being married. Some couples don't necessarily want or feel the need to get married but they still want children. Being married isn't a guarantied lifelong thing anymore, so many couples get divorced, so it really wouldn't matter in the end if you were married or not.
It's a personal choice, I can see how or why some people might want to be married before, it's a more traditional thing to do. As long as the couple in question are responsible adults and know what the reality of having children is, it doesn't matter.
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AlexJC
Whatever Works on Jul 03, 2012 @ 12:01 pm

I am a big believer in doing whatever works best for you and your relationship. I don't think it is necessary to be married to have kids. That being said, I think a stable, committed relationship usually provides the best environment for a child. Finacially, there would be benefits for a married couple that would be helpful for a family but again, to each it's own. If a couple thinks they are ready to have a child, then they should, it shouldn't matter if they are married or not.
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chick4585
@mamaluv on Jul 03, 2012 @ 12:02 pm

I LOVE your answer! So thoughtful! Thanks for the reply! xx (:
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chick4585
(: on Jul 03, 2012 @ 12:04 pm

Thanks, everyone! Loving how thorough these answers are!
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Anonymous
No on Jul 04, 2012 @ 12:19 pm

Hell to the No! I am being honest here: I might be old fashioned but I really don't agree with it. We are in the modern world, and you really don't need to have a baby if you don't want to. Why not take birth control (adequate precautions) until you are married? It takes commitment to get married and even more to raise a child together. If you don't have the first, then how are you going to juggle the second? Its so hard (financially, emotionally, time, energy etc etc) to raise a child well.

Also in my community, a child out of wedlock shames the entire family. Its a decency thing.
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takoda
Its fine for the right people!! on Jul 04, 2012 @ 12:49 pm

I've bin with the same man for 26 years, a hell of a lot longer then most marriages these days. We have two well round boys, 19 and 16 that are loved and care for even with out that peace of paper saying we're married. In our eye's and in the laws eye we are. It's up to the people involved to do the right thing and to know having children isn't a game. We didn't have our kids until we had already bin together for about eight years and we knew that was what we both wanted. Before then I made sure I was on the pill. I didn't want to be left with kids and no father around, who does. We made sure this was what we both wanted before we went forward. Our life's have bin wonderful. Sure we have our ups and down just like married couples do, but we work through them as a family. To many people give up way to soon, or act way to soon on getting married, living together and having children. Its not a game and never should be treated as one. If you've bin with the same man for a long time and have an open and honest relationship like I have with my common-law husband, then start talking to him about what he wants, were he see's things going for the two of you. If having children is what both of you are ready for, but don't feel like marriage is in the books for you, then go for it. But never ever go forward an get pregnant with out him knowing first. That is the biggest no no any woman can make no matter who your with, how long it bin and how you think it might work out. It's all about trust and if you do something like that to a man he'll never trust you again, no matter what you try and say to him. Talking to him is your best bet. Our life's together have bin great for all these years because we talk honestly, it has nothing to do with us having, or not having a peace of paper saying we're a married couple. As far as we're concerned we are and we're happy this way!! Oh and my family is in no way shamed by us having our kids and not being married. All side of our families were thrill we finally went through with it when we did. Not everyone is the same and that's the way it should be!
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chrissy580
sure on Jul 24, 2012 @ 02:46 pm

I am absolutely ok with having children out of wedlock personally. I have 3 children. The oldest is my husbands from a previous relationship, the middle is mine from a previous relationship, and the youngest is ours together. We got married when the youngest was 14 months old... I wouldn't change it even if I could. My kids got to be a part of my wedding and that means the world to me!
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Malixy
depends on the people on Jul 24, 2012 @ 04:21 pm

I think it really depends on the people having the baby.
If you know your families won't support the decision, and this will in turn affect your child when it is born, I think you have to consider carefully what you are walking in to.
On the other hand, if that factor isn't relevant, and you have a family that isn't obsessed with signing some stupid piece of paper that says you are now someones wife, then its up to you.
When you think about it, it doesn't really matter if you are married or not, if there is a loving relationship that exists between the 2 people raising this baby. Saying you have to be married to have a baby is like saying every arranged marriage on the planet turns out better then every good relationship between 2 people who aren't married, which is just not true.
And people, marriage now isn't what it used to be, hundreds of years ago. You can easily get divorced. So its not THAT much of a commitment. Its just going to be a pricier break up when it comes to it, and a bigger mess to deal with.

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Ali de Bold
Agree with mamaluv on Jul 25, 2012 @ 02:31 pm

Children need stability and they need two parents. That is the ideal scenario. But most importantly they need love and support.
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