Best friends and Betrayal?

on Apr 07, 2009 @ 03:03 am

Please Help.

I just recently found out that two of my best friends really like me. But the thing its, I just got out of a six month relationship about two months ago. I dont think its a long enough break before I start a new relationship. I honestly never liked someone as much as I liked my ex. But everyone says I'm better off. He broke up with me the day after our six month, which was 2 days after our winterformal dance, which was also 5 days before valentines day. People said we weren't right for eachother, that he yelled at me way too much, and I fell too hard for him too quickly. About a week later, I went to go study with one of my best friends, who I had no idea that he liked me (but I now have been told he's liked me for almost 2 years). While studying he kissed me twice, and I thought I told my ex all of the details, but I guess not (which I shouldn't have said anything because it's not his place to know, I was foolish) but now he calls me a liar and that he wont ever trust me again. And yeah I miss him as a friend not just a boyfriend. Should I just let him go completely? Or try to become friends again? I miss him alot. He really hurt me the way he broke my heart. But I miss him.

But that's not my only problem. My other problem is that my ex's former best friend (I'm going to call him Chad?) likes me, alot. Then I have my best friend, she has liked Chad for almost a year. Nothing has ever happend between them, and he tells me all the time nothing will ever happen between them. She tells me she is almost over him. But, I have come to realize that I have started to like Chad. Its not like I am head over heels for him, but you know, I have a simple crush on the kid. He knows that I do, but I tell him everyday to get over me, that he needs to move on because it wont happen between us (mostly because I don't want to hurt my friends feelings). She had no idea that I liked him, until today when stupid Chad pointed out the fact that he thinks I like him. (She and him haven't talked in 2 weeks until today). So, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I know she is probably already hurt because he wont ever like her. She hasn't been talking to me alot lately and she's been ditching me for other people. I don't know what has been her problem lately, but this is just going to add to it. I'm really scared of losing her as a friend, but I'm not going to go out with the kid anyways. I don't like him enough and I'm not ready for that. Is she really my friend if she gets really mad at me for having a crush on him? Or is she just over-dramatic? What do I do? Advice?

Oh and I'm really scared of hurting Chad's feelings because he helped me get on the road to getting over my ex. He has been such a good friend to me, and I do not want to hurt him. He says I have been, because I guess I flirt with him and get his hopes up, but I'm honestly not trying to lead him on. What do I do?

Remember the best friend that kissed me? Well, I told him to back off but I obviously didn't make myself very clear, because he keeps trying and he keeps wanting to get together. I know that he still likes me and he says I'm not worth waiting for. So why is he even trying when he knows I'm not ready??? It really baffles me because I tell him to stop, but it's not clicking. And I really don't like him more than a friend. How do I get him to just be my friend again? That's all I want.

Please, I really need advice.
I really appreciate you reading this!

2 Replies

lots to digest here on Apr 07, 2009 @ 01:44 pm

I probably won't get to addressing all of this, because lady - this sounds like a mini soap opera (no offense intended!). Wow, where do I start?

1. Chad and your BFF
Your friend is "almost over him". Almost is not good enough. Out of respect for her you should wait until she's ok with it, even if he says there is no chance for the two of them. I can feel for you here because I married my best friend's crush... and we still don't speak. It was the exact same situation - no chance for the two of them - but I chose love over friendship, which I regret to this day. Not regret that I married my husband; we are still very much in love after many years together and 3 kids, but regret that I didn't give my friend more time to sort out her feelings about it.

The rule is Don't Date Your BFF's Man (even if he isn't her man). No Fly zone. I have to say that in my opinion she is not really being overdramatic for feeling hurt that you are crushing on her crush. She's trying to protect her territory - even if it isn't hers to protect. You'd probably feel the same in her shoes. At the same time, she will need to eventually come around the realization that she and Chad just aren't meant to be and your claiming him is not usurping her but rather following your heart. Give her a little slack; it's a bitter pill to swallow that your guy likes someone else.

2. Chad and you
You said you're not ready. So he needs to back off and you need to make that clear. At the same time, you are sending him some mixed signals because he's clued into the fact that you like him, even if just a little bit.

Maybe you need to simply tell him that right now is the worst timing. Several factors have to be resolved before you two can consider getting together: (1) you need to be fully over your ex; and (2) your friend needs to be ok with the situation. Make it clear to him why you need time to think about it. If you just say "oh, I'm not good enough for you" etc etc, he'll think that but for your apparant inferiority complex he actually has a good chance with you.

3. You and your ex
Very very few couples successfully transition to friends. If he treated you like scum when breaking up, he won't be a good friend either. I say move on and leave him behind! Your clinging to the idea of staying friends is probably contributing to your inability to get over him.

Who knows? Maybe in a year or two when the dust has settled and he's grown up a bit you can be friends. But right now, frankly, it sounds like a bad idea.

4. you and your smooch buddy
I'm going to assume you made a typo when you wrote "you're not worth waiting for", because if he did say that, you need to ditch him faster than last week's leftovers.

I'm going to make a huge generalization here and say that guys don't do subtlety well. And by letting him kiss you recently, you have sent him some confusing signals. You should figure out why you let that happen, and then explain it to him.

I feel for you here again, because a good friend of mine suddenly declared his love for me after more than a year of BFFness, but I had absolutely no interest (I was busy romancing my ex BFF's crush, remember?). He refused to give up and eventually the friendship was lost. But I later realized that where my side of the relationship was based on being friends and platonic feelings, his had probably always been romantic in one way or another.

We've discussed the difficulties of male/female friendships on other threads in this forum, and while everyone has a different story to tell, most will admit that mixed friendships can be tricky. I have only a few male friends, and they are all happily married, as am I. Single male friends have always had a romantic entanglement eventually, whether from my side or theirs.

What does this really long reply boil down to? Ditch your ex. Tell Chad to wait. Fix things with your BFF if the relationship is important to you. And tell smooch buddy once and for all that it ain't happening - and then never confuse things by locking lips again.

It's good that you at least shared here. Maybe just discussing will give you clarity, even if it doesn't yield the results you want. :)

To mamaluv on Apr 07, 2009 @ 02:02 pm

Thank you sooo much! That really helped!

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of that! (:

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