Best friend's fiance is all wrong

on Jul 30, 2008 @ 03:59 pm

I am having trouble with my best friends decision to marry this guy. She's 22 and he is the 37 year old uncle of one of her friends...wierd right? This whole thing just seems unnatural to me and I am having issues because I am supposed to be the maid of honor. I haven't expressed my concern to her since she first started dating the guy about a year ago but it still really worries me. She's also started drinking alot more with him than she ever did before. The guys crazy, shot after shot after shot and then they'll get in his cart together and drive home from the bar. I have talked to her about the driving drunk because theres nothing more irresponsible than that, especially considering they both have kids (not together) but it doesn't seem to phase her. I just really want to help my friend but I don't think it'd be welcomed by her. This whole scenario sickens me and I don't think there's anything I can do. Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this and if so HOW?

4 Replies

Ali de Bold
Definitely talk to her on Jul 30, 2008 @ 10:21 pm

Wow I don't envy you in this situation! Age gaps can be tricky but I don't think it's the worst thing in the world unless the two are in totally different life stages. I think 22 and 37 qualifies as different life stages. At 22 you're still figuring yourself out and shouldn't make life altering decisions - esp if you already have kids who will be greatly impacted by those choices. She needs to grow up for a few more years, her kids need a good father figure, not a 37 year old loser who drives drunk.

What I think is the biggest concern is the lack of responsible behavior. Drunk driving is the stupidest most reckless and selfish thing a person can do. My Dad was almost killed last year because a drunk driver ran a red light. The punk who drove drunk that night might have thought he was only risking his own life when he got behind the wheel, but he nearly robbed me and my family of my Dad and two young siblings who were in the car with him.

You say you've talked to her about it and it doesn't seem to phase her. What part of drunk driving is she ok with? The part where she gets killed and her kids have no mother or the part where someone else's mother, father or children die because of their reckless and selfish behavior?

And then what? Bring the drunk home to her children?

Someone needs to say something. At minimum for the sake of her kids. You are her best friend and though it may ruin your friendship, you need to say something.

What does her family think about this? Is anyone else concerned? It also sounds like he is terribly immature going off to the bar to get hosed out of his mind as a 37 year old. I thought that was something a child did on their 18th birthday, not someone pushing 40.

Here's the thing: No, she is not going to welcome you confronting her. But a true friend looks out for the best interests of their friends, even if the truth is hard to take. I would suggest one of the following:

1. Take her for a coffee somewhere or for a walk and tell her you feel she is making a big mistake marrying someone so reckless, whose actions could potentially harm her, her children or someone else. She's in love now, but those heady feelings will fade into reality when she realizes she is with a child trapped in a man's body. (Don't tell her that part, I'm just sayin')

2. If you know her family is also concerned it might be an idea to sit down as a group with her to express your concerns. She's probably going to hate you all for it but to say nothing and just stand by her is passively enabling her foolish decision.

Bottom line: It's one thing for a friend to marry someone you don't like or don't get along with but entirely another for them to marry someone reckless, selfish and grossly immature. The kids can't say anything to make sure their Mom doesn't marry a loser but you can.


talk talk talk on Jul 31, 2008 @ 01:18 pm

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm in one very much the same.

I have a good friend who has been dating her bf on/off for ~ 3.5 years. He never once has given her any priority in his life. And in the last 2 years or so he's fallen victim to his own anxiety and panic attacks. Who has been there for him all the time? That's right, my friend. For some reason, through all of his neglect and mistreatment, and now illness, she's stuck by him. Lord knows I would have been long gone -- too much respect for myself. He has dragged her through his problems and now, in the past month, she's even moved to Phoenix, AZ to be w/ him. As if the thought of that wasn't hard enough to swallow, she called me last week to tell me they're engaged!!! I was sick to my stomach when I heard the news.

He's committed to her now when he realizes he really needs her in order to get well. But once he does, there's no doubt in my mind that he'll be back to his normal ways where she has no priority in his life. And she'll still be there through it all. Poor girl.

She knows exactly how I feel about her relationship. I don't sugar coat any of it. But b/c we have a good friendship, she knows my messages are out of pure caring, not to hurt her. She continues to incorporate me into her life. Strangely, I think she appreciates the warnings. But nevertheless, she still stands by him. So, as a good friend, its my duty to support her and be there for her if/when things go south. I really really hope that I'm wrong. But if her relationship does not work out, I will be there for her when she really needs me.

So what I suggest you do is talk to your friend. If you have a solid relationship she'll listen to your cautions. She may not like them. She doesn't have to like them. But if she knows you care, and she cares about you, she'll listen to what you have to say and maybe even consider your message. If she denies your cautions and runs off in a huff and even becomes more distant, so be it. But if/when the day comes that she really needs your support, be there for her and never say "I told you so."

Good luck!

Thanks for the support! on Jul 31, 2008 @ 01:43 pm

Thank you both so much. I am going to see her this weekend (we live 2 hours apart so timing is difficult) and I'm definitely going to talk to her about everything. Wish me luck, I'll let you know how everything goes :)

agreeing 150% on Jul 31, 2008 @ 02:05 pm

It sounds like you've already made the good decision to have a heart-to-heart with your friend. Still, I'm gonna put my 2 cents in ;)

A true friend tells the hard truth with love, risks a friendship for the other's wellbeing, and never gloats when ignored advice turns out to be bang on. It sounds like you are a true friend.

When I got married, our best man made a point of telling us that he was "standing up for us" - which is what the two witnesses do -, but it goes far beyond signing a piece of paper to declare that the witness was present during the nuptials; it is a statement of support for the couple. Our friend would not have agreed to be our best man if he thought we were wrong for each other, because in his eyes he was extending his blessing. Too often, you hear maids-of-honor or best men saying they are there to support their friend. Note that the term is not plural! You can support your friend despite bad choices by saying you'll always be there, a shoulder to cry on, etc. You can support them and still say "hey, you're making the biggest f-ing mistake of your life!" You don't have to support their idiotic decisions.

Personally, I don't know that I could agree to be matron-of-honor in a situation where I was completely opposed to the match (but then, I've never had to make that choice!). Tell your friend you love her, and because of that you have to be totally honest, even if it hurts.

Be prepared to have a strained relationship with her if it goes badly. In the end, you'll feel better about it than not having said anything. Would you tell her if you caught her fiance cheating? Obviously. So something even more serious as binding herself to someone utterly unsuitable for life (well, supposedly) needs the same level of honesty. I can only echo what MC and Spotty have already said - it's all true.

Best of luck to you! Your friend is lucky to have you.

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