on May 07, 2012 @ 01:15 pm|
my bf and i have been together for 4yrs now and we live together. we've known each other for a decade before our relationship. i used to be his sister's best friend, but ever since we went out, she started hating me and until this day she continues to gossip about me. making our other common friends and those i don't know hate me with a vengeance. she has all brothers, and she's the only girl. all her sisters-in-law have gone through the same thing with her. when you confront her, she goes wild, throws tantrums and tries to get people's sympathy by whining and crying. now, she has told people that her brother is just playing with me and being linked to a friend of hers whom she is pushing for them to be together. this has strained my love and trust for my bf, since i can't attack her, I admit I have had serious bursts of anger towards my bf. he/the entire family tried to control her, but even him/them is/are a victim of her gossip, she tells people how boastful, proudly contemptuous her brother is etc etc. and seriously, the oldest brother has come to me and apologize for his sister's evil ways, he has confirmed i am not the first friend she has invented lies about! help! my bf is just scared that if he fights with her, that she will keep his nephew away from him, his nephew is very very close to him, the kid looks up to my bf. i feel he feels that that relationship will be threatened by his sister. he has of course have my back and has told her off before, actually the entire family has, but the gossip just worsened. I've lost people because of her gossip, well now i know they are not "real" friends of mine. I for one have heard the nastiest rumors about her other friends from her, but I kept my mouth shut since I love my bf. I'm doing yoga to push these negative thoughts away, but I'm at times defeated and will wake up, literally thinking about her as the 1st thing in my head! I've heard people say that it will never end and i should just drop my bf and throw in the towel. is there no hope for people like her?
-desperate but still in love.
|Probably no hope on May 07, 2012 @ 01:22 pm|
My boyfriend's brother has similar but not so severe issues.
He often gets jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with me and takes it out on my boyfriend.
We invite him everywhere with us but he never comes.
I can't believe you've been dealing with this for so long. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you.
It's not a good situation to be in.
All you can do is try to ignore her.
That's the only advice I can give. I know it's much easier said than done.
Good luck with it all!
|no hope indeed :) on May 07, 2012 @ 01:42 pm|
thank you sirenstarlight! that's what people are telling me too, there is no hope for this girl. Before i used to think maybe it was my fault cos i fell in love with her brother, when she used to complain and gossip about him with me! then a few months into the relationship, I learned that all the wives have had the same issues, and continues to have some more. I swear, this girl has all the hate in the world. I've never gone out with her without her saying one thing bad about somebody else or gossip about other people's lives. even her other brother is so pissed at her for giving her two cents (more like a million dollars) on everything! she cheats on her fiance and brags that she's a clever cheater, and she gossips that my relationship with her brother is a joke! it has caused mental distress on me, I've had thrown things at home for my pent up anger. good thing bikram yoga is helping me calm myself and laugh at her, been doing it for 2 weeks now, but everyday is still a struggle, just like today. sorry for ranting, but this new rumor was just last Saturday. My friend wanted to poke her eye out for hearing those nasty things about me and my bf. she doesn't believe a word of it, but is sorry for me. a concerned friend who knows her ways informed me.
she is so nasty that you can give me a name of her current friend and i can tell you something bad about that person which she has said to us.
|agree with Sirenstarlight on May 07, 2012 @ 03:37 pm|
Try kickboxing instead of yoga it'll get out that agression!
I suggest killing her with niceness, as you've already stated the people who matter realize there is no truth behind her rumors, and the people who dont will eventually fall victim to her. I would say that she is just jelous of your relationship as you used to be her good friend and instead of expressing this to you in a civil manner just started to push you further away.
Just remember that you are in a relationship with him not her and it would be nice if everyone got alone but its not necessary. I h`ope this doesn't hinder your relationship and i hope that you enjoy your time with his nephew.
as i said just be overly nice and civil with her, the truth always prevails.
Ali de Bold
|There is always hope on May 07, 2012 @ 04:00 pm|
I'm sorry you are dealing with such a tough situation, but I don't think it's beyond hope.
The best thing you can do is focus on the positive relationships in your life. You are giving her behaviour too much of your attention. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you, but she obviously has things she needs to work out. From the sounds of it, it's not about you. It would be anyone in your position.
You need to disengage yourself from the gossip and negativity. Focus on having a great relationship with your boyfriend and the rest of the family. Be kind and considerate towards her but don't expect anything in return. It will be really hard, especially at first but you can do it! That will be better for your relationship with your boyfriend and she will have no ammunition to use against you.
Maybe eventually she will grow out of it, maybe she won't. The point is, the only person's behaviour you can control is your own. If her gossip is causing people not to be friends with you, they likely weren't your friends to begin with, so you are better off.
Show by your own example. If she can't be respectful towards you, limit your contact until she is prepared to behave.
|Try on May 07, 2012 @ 04:23 pm|
How are the brothers girlfriends/wives dealing with this if its happened to them as well?It sounds like she needs someone to try destroy and make trouble for obviously she has moved onto you.Ask the girlfriends/wives how they dealt with it if you feel you can trust talking to them.Your boyfriend really needs to put his foot down and stick up for you you've been together four years now,I hope it works out for you.
All you can do is ignore her,try avoid her and if its a family function where you have no choice but to see her don't let her see she upsets you because she wants you to react.Try really having a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend and let him know how serious it is that its to the point your ready to leave.If he then does not make efforts to support you then you may have your answer.Yes he loves his nephew but he needs to love you to!
|hanging in there...by a thread on May 07, 2012 @ 06:02 pm|
Thank you for your responses! :)
@dawnmackie: i'm going to try kickboxing too, so far, the 2 weeks of bikram has made me more calm and breathe deeply but I haven't seen her though so i'm anxious how to react when i see her next weekend!
@ali-de-bold / Bren: the worst thing is that she acts so sweet (with matching squeaky high pitched voice) and all so concerned in front of you and BAM! stabs you at the back! her other sisters-in-law and I used to huddle to talk about how we feel about her and/or what is the latest gossip she has spread, it felt like we had an AA group!! the other girls have gone tired of it, i'm the last "girlfriend" that's probably why she's on me the entire time.
To answer your question Bren, here's the breakdown:
-wife of the oldest brother: she's scared of his oldest brother cos he's the eldest, so she attacks the wife with precaution (snide comments here and there).
-wife of the younger brother: the younger brother is the parents' favorite, so I've witnessed fights between his wife and her go down, and she never wins cos the parents will get mad at her for fighting with the fave child's wife.
- wife of the youngest brother: this girl is the luckiest! she doesn't know any of the insults and judgment her sister in law has told people, cos the youngest son is the mother's baby so she's ultimately cautious of who she talks to about her. but when we were still friends, she told me how much the girl is probably after her brother's money! but she has heard the ugly stories so she bond with everyone, she keeps her distance very well, so far away...i envy her, seriously.
Her family has talked to her a few years ago about me cos the entire family has known me for more than a decade, i used to stay late at their place, eat dinner, have a sleepover,but it became worse and worse and...
All the instances with the wives have just died down because I came in, not because it was resolved, but because there's a new target. My bf has had PLANTED his foot on the ground a number of times to no avail. Being the only girl in the brood, she will whine and cry and get sympathy by saying she's just concerned for her brothers.
We had a huge confrontation on my 1st year with my bf. she didn't answer any of my questions directly, every time someone will bring up why she would spread lies (one is that she told her friends I was maltreating her son when he's with us!) she would just answer "I'm just concerned!" Eventually, she had deeper rancor for me than ever, because her entire family supported me not her! its not just we've been together, playing around for four years, but we have been living for FOUR years!!
This is my 1st year in all those four years, that i'm dealing with it differently, I used to focus on my anger because I know I'm ENTITLED to be hurt/sad and mad for she has wronged me. I went through (or going through) anxiety and paranoia that all our friends are against me, by the way, i feel like i'm losing the battle with my friends cos she's very good in keeping in touch with everyone, like our college friends, she would hook up with our old friends and backstab me, i know all of this cos I have TWO friends whom told me her scheme, those two never believed her. Now, i turn to these types of forums, to see if there's anyone out there who has handled it smartly than I'm currently doing. My bf always tells me how he sees us in the future together. I know he loves me and i see in him that he is also hurt through all this. he'd advice me to be strong and reminds me that he's not the one I'm up against. I want to know how to keep my sanity and my bf at the same time. I did applaud myself yesterday, at church, her latest rumor came to my mind, and surprisingly I didn't throw a fit or cursed my bf for having such a deceitful and conniving sister, I actually laughed. I attribute it to my yoga meditations, i'm praying I can keep it up!
thank you so much again!
|Ignorance is bliss on May 07, 2012 @ 06:34 pm|
I say instead of trying to find out the gossip try to avoid it, it will only hurt you and make you feel defensive. I have a hard time with two faced people cuz I'm cut and dry if i have something to say behind your back I have no problem saying into your face.
But I think it's easier to keep the peace for the sake of the family and just smile and be sweet try and limit how oftenyou're around her if possible without affecting your life.surround yourself with positivity.
She'll hopefully accept the fact that the two of you are together and no matter how many rumors she spread they'll never be true and finally spend more time on her little boy the. On focusing on you.
I find it's easy to be in the middle but it shows true character to remove yourself from the situation and be the bigger person.
|Response on May 08, 2012 @ 12:45 am|
After reading your last response this is what stood out to me when you said about your sister in law that:
she keeps her distance very well, so far away....
She would be happy to know she is affecting you.Try as your sister in law does and keep your distance and if you do see her dont get upset.Focus on you and your boyfriend.
Dont let her break up your relationship and don't let her get into your head or that is when it becomes to much to deal with.She will soon enough move onto someone else if she knows she cannot affect you. :)
|change your reaction. on May 10, 2012 @ 07:46 am|
first, she is not your friend just smile and ignore her. Be civil a HI and Bye but you owe her nothing. DON"T engage in conversations with her. And if she does anything directly to you THEN you voice your concerns TO HER directly. IF any member of her family comes to her rescure than you tell them you will not discuss this with them only her.
I have heard this a many too times, SIL sabotaging the wedding, lying about everything and trying to get every family member to dislike you. Well I've seen that and I've seen Karma too.She will get what she deserves but in the meantime she is NOT going anywhere if you love him and wnat to stay with him just smile, ignore her words or gossip, and you'll do fine. Don't talk about her as your wasting your precious time when you can be enjoying yourself. She wants you to talk about her and she's enjoying it as it seems thats this is consuming you.She will not change but you can. Show her and better yet show your boyfriend what a good person you are by not engaging in her negative behavoviour.
P.s dont' waste your time talking about her to your boyfriend either.