Boyfriend and smoking

on Apr 07, 2013 @ 12:51 am

My self and my fiancé decided to quit smoking nearly 2 years ago. To better out health to help ensure my daughter and any future children we may have don't become smokers because of us, to save money and get nicer things, to hopefully have a baby of our own.. And I'm sure there are a few more reasons.. We did it as a team, helped each other stood by each other... And we did it we quit smoking we one relapse on his part.. Well now we r still getting cravings even after nearly 2 years and he says he doesn't want to do it no more, he wants to smoke.. I said no but he did it anywys.. Now I can't get over the fact that I feel betrayed and abandoned, we where supposed to be doing this together.. I'm so mad he has just spent past 2 nights on the couch, I've pulled away so much. I'm hurt and all I want to do is cry. I know I can't force him to keep being a non smokers and I can't hate him for it. He's trying to not make me have to deal with him being smelly but I can't seem to let it go and be ok with it, to not be mad hurt or upset. Every time I see him go out for a smoke I get pissed off all over again.. I need help how do I deal with this?? I'm not gunna leave him I love him to much.. But I need advice.. Also wonder how do I keep fighting this craving fight on my own, so many times I wanted to give up.. Now I'm scared I will.. And yes he knows exactly how I feel

6 Replies

Ali de Bold
Yikes! on Apr 07, 2013 @ 01:38 pm

I've never been a smoker, so hopefully someone who has comes on here and gives you advice. I have heard it's very difficult to give up the addiction but I do think it's selfish of him to bail on you and start smoking again. Your reasons for quitting were the best kind: for your kids and your health. I imagine this is much harder for you now that he is doing it again. According to Health Canada, parents who smoke double the chances that their children will too:

Have him read that. He needs to have a reason to quit that is stronger than his cravings. As for yourself, stay strong. You are doing the right thing. xoxo

Says he will quit again someday on Apr 07, 2013 @ 01:50 pm

He says he will quit again just that right now he doesn't want to fight it, I brought up my daughter and smoking and he said he will hide it from her.. I'm trying to think of things he might want more then smoking or ways that will help him forget he wants to.. Lol, problem is there is so much people around us who smoke it's just so easy for him to get a hold of.. I'm glad he didn't go behind my back and keep this a secret from me, but at the same time I wish he had.. That way he won't expect us to spend money on it and he would try extra harder not to do it when at home and make sure I don't smell it... But then I'd be pissed when I found out.. Lol.. I will for sure try to get him to read that link , I'm gunna read it too.. :) maybe pass it along to a few if my friends who smoke an have kids.. :) thank you

Smoking. on Apr 07, 2013 @ 01:57 pm

Unfortunately, smoking is something that people have to battle for an extremely long time. I'm sure you understand that, since you were a smoker before as well. There are constantly cravings - and some people succome to them easier than others - as what's taken place in this circumstance.. I would give him the benefit of the doubt, as I'm sure he'll quit again for you, and for your family. It's just a lot harder than it sounds.

In the meantime, I would definitely set some rules about him smoking - and I'm sure that he'd understand, since you don't smoke! Examples: Not smoking around the house. Changing clothes when he comes in from having a smoke. Mouth wash, etc. Make a "smoking" allowance per week, so his habit doesn't become more expensive for the household budget.

Rules love it on Apr 07, 2013 @ 02:35 pm

Smoking allowance is an awesome idea, that way maybe he's not smoking like a pack a day and def not spending money we don't have.. As for mouth wash and stuff working on that one, today he had been fighting his cravings but doing it for me so I know eventually he will be giving in.. Probably don't help that I'm constantly asking or bugging him not to... I still need advice on how to not let it bug me.. Today has been a better day since I found out but I still feeling myself pull away from him..

Tough situation on Apr 08, 2013 @ 02:23 pm

Also never being a smoker myself I can't offer any first-hand advice on how to deal with cravings yourself, but I agree with katelynrose, setting boundaries about his smoking is a really good first step to getting him to quit again. It's like with any behaviour modification technique: reward the good, ignore the bad. This may sound kind of dog-trainer-ish, but it works with people too haha! When he fights the craving and doesn't smoke, reward his good behaviour. Compliment him in some way, give him a nice long kiss and say how fresh his breath is, ask him what he wants for dinner tonight, etc.. When he's bad and smokes, don't nag at him about it, just ignore him...make it obvious that you disapprove, but harping on him about it is only going to get on his nerves and make him anxious, which he will quell by smoking more. Also, like katelynrose said, make smoking a very negative experience for him. Make him change his clothes or brush his teeth afterwards every time, tell him that if he smokes he has to go a block down the street so your daughter doesn't see, etc. As the experience of smoking becomes more negative, the less he'll be tempted to do it.

Try to kill it with knowledge, as well. Make him read the link ali-de-bold posted, and let him know that second-hand smoke is extremely dangerous to you and your daughter, even if you're all outside. Remind him that smoking is costing the whole family a lot of money. Remind him that you also get cravings, and they're just as hard to battle as his, only you're staying strong and not giving in. Tell him that if he says he's going to quit again one day, why not do it today and save everyone a lot of time, money, and fighting? It's an addiction, it's never going to be one of those things where one day it'll be 'enough' and he won't feel compelled to do it anymore. That's not how it works.

I know it's hard to not let it get to you, but you have to realize you have absolutely no control over anyone else's actions. It's his choice to do what he wants, even if you don't approve. So obviously it's easier said than done, but try not to get too worked up over it. Remember that you're the one who is stronger, and you're the one who is setting a good example for your daughter. Stay strong and know that you're taking the higher road! (where the air is much cleaner :))

feeling for you! on Apr 08, 2013 @ 04:27 pm

I think it was so courageous of the two of you to quit together! Having that support partner is such a big part of a successful jump from smoker to non-smoker.

And that's where I think the most of the hurt is here for you. It's one thing that you (and we all) are concerned for his health and most importantly, the health of your kids, but let's not forget YOU in the mix here.

It's so hard to break an addiction, and you were counting on him to help you. Now that he's failed, you are worried your failure is coming too. Many couples where one person is an alcoholic recognize that the non-alcoholic partner also needs to quit drinking socially to support the struggling person. Now you've lost that support and are actively being influenced on some level to start up again.

You sound like you've really got your head on straight and are committed to not going down that path again. If you're unwilling to leave him, you're going to have to help him quit all over again.

My husband is a smoker. He is more than aware of his own health risks, the health risks he's imposing upon his children (he doesn't smoke right in front of them, but of course the nicotine is still in his pores and the ash on his clothing, so even hugs "hurt"), the negative example he's setting, the unattractive smell that turns me off, etc etc etc. Me reminding him of these things has not worked at all. He's just not ready yet.

I like the idea that Katelyn offered of a budget and asking him to change his clothing/use mouthwash so that at least the impact on you as an ex-smoker and your children is minimized.

Try to be careful how you encourage him. Saying things like "do it for me/our kids" or "if you love me you'll quit" are traps because as you well know, it's hard to quit and has nothing to do with loving someone. Yes - if you love someone you will make sacrifices, but those sacrifices have to come from the person making them, not the person imposing them.

I really feel for you and hope that things improve soon! *hugs*

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