Boyfriends.... UUGGGHH

on Jan 16, 2009 @ 09:34 pm

SO I have recently left my whole life back home in the suburbs of Detroit to move to shit hole Indiana to be with my ex that I am still head over heels for.. well it has been about 5 months and I feel like I am living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One minute everything is going great we are all lovey dovey and things could never be better and then the next he is not even speaking to me. I ask him what is wrong and all I get is "I dont want to talk" Well how the hell are we going to make it if I cant even get him to talk to me?? I am madly in love with this man but I feel like everyday that goes by I am losing him..Any suggestions on how I handle this? And honestly if you say try talking... read this again because I have tried the talking that gets me NO WHERE. I dont want to give up on us.. But I am afraid that I am not going to be able to go on like this anymore. Help!!!

9 Replies

I know you said that you already tried talking and it didn't work but I think that's the only way. on Jan 16, 2009 @ 10:31 pm

Guys like to be distant when they are having a bad day, they usually don’t want to talk about it. It’s just how they are. It seems to me that he is putting some space between himself and you. I don’t understand why he would not want to discuss his problems with you but there must be a reason. Perhaps it’s trust?? I don’t know. If you are madly in love with him and want to pursue your relationship than you will eventually have to sit down with him and say look.... Tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t want to talk than what can you do? You need to communicate in relationships. Just tell him how you feel about your relationship, explain why you are having this talk and, be straightforward. If that doesn’t work than I suggest you rethink your relationship and ask yourself “How can I fix this? What are we doing wrong? Can we move on from here or is this it?” And go from there. Men are complex. They always have been J Good Luck!!


Anonymous 3546
Tried talking didn't work on Jan 17, 2009 @ 01:59 am

There is a good book called the Five Love Languages. You may find it interesting.
It talks about different ways we express ourselves besides being verbal.
There is also a book called the Dance of Intimacy that may be helpful.

You could also try talking to him via email or instant messaging. Some people find it easier to do this and less threatening. One other suggestion, if you ask for a time when it would be ok to talk and set a time limit that can help. Not sure if you have tried those tactics.



Ali de Bold
talking can be interpreted as nagging on Jan 17, 2009 @ 10:23 am

I would be so frustrated in your shoes since I'm the type that likes to talk everything out and fix it right away. If he is ignoring you or being cold and distant, the worst thing you can do is push him to talk about it because he will interpret that as nagging.

If he wants to "go in his cave", you kind of have to just let him. When he first starts acting like this, ask him what is wrong and if he wants to talk about it. If he says 'nothing' and doesn't want to talk you need to leave him completely alone. Go about your day without him and make yourself busy. Call up a friend you haven't talked to in awhile, go out for a walk, take a book to a nearby cafe and let him stew in solitude. He will soon notice that you aren't around and you are off enjoying life and that should snap him out of it. When he does come around you can calmly tell him that he needs to stop shutting you out like that. Let him know you are happy to give him his space but he needs to work on his communication.

men are from mars women are from venus!! :) on Jan 18, 2009 @ 11:22 pm

there are actually lots of situations just like yours that are tackled in that book. before you entirely give up, i recommend reading that book, cuz you never know it might help you :)

ps..why did you call him your 'ex' ? if he's your ex why did you move with him, and why are you trying to make it work? perhaps it was just a typo....


Are you enabling him? on Jan 19, 2009 @ 12:57 pm

Think about it are you in any way encorraging or rewarding his bad behaviour with attention?

He needs to GROW the F@#$ up! or you need to leave. What hes doing is emotionally abusive and you need to stop putting up with him.

When he pulls his little fits IGNORE him..its hard at first But if you have any friends yet go out with them if not go out anyways. Just be indiffent to him and go about your buisness! all you can do is be open to listen if he decides to talk and you dont have to tell him that you are- by nw he knows that you are!

If you ignoring him dosent work either then he not only doent care about your feelings bot he dosent care about having your attention either...and thats just not love on his end...its having you around on his terms. and you should have a boyfriend who makes your feelings a priority and values your attention always.

If he does open up and you can establish a line of communication but he seems to have little control over his moods you may want to explore bipolar disorder (manic depression) but if hes not willing to get help when its obvious thats what he need to get OUT.

Hate to say it.. on Jan 20, 2009 @ 08:35 pm

But to be honest, I think you need some quality reflection time. If he's making you feel upset over his own personal moodiness, then you need to figure out if that's really what you want. I'd tell this to any one of my girlfriends: you deserve better. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking that you can't live without him.

I agree with the other posts, if he doesn't want to talk, pushing him to would be that very last thing you should do, sweetie. Distract yourself, go out with your girls, call home, heck go shopping (shopping therapy can be very, very good for one's soul... in my opinion). Soon enough, he'll see that you aren't around much and he'll come to you.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!

I think on Jan 20, 2009 @ 10:59 pm

My boyfriend does that all of the time. I've just learned to ignore it. The more you ask him what's wrong the more pissed off he will get, in my case that is... Just don't talk to him. You can always twist things around to make him feel guilty if not talking doesn't work.

I think that he'll get over whatever it is that's buggin' him.

Silence on Jan 22, 2009 @ 04:07 pm

I get in these moods all the time where all I want is silence. I don't want to speak, I don't want anyone else speaking to me - it's completely selfish, but I can't help it. Perhaps he's just like that. He needs time to be self involved and just think to himself. I get extremely irritated when people keep trying to talk to me when I just want some peace - nothing against them and I'm not mad at them - I just get incredibly annoyed.

Do what the other ladies suggested. When he gets in these moods just go do your own thing and most importantly, don't let it bother you. Unless he's ignoring you during a time when you two are having issues, then that's not good.

Talk too much? on Jan 24, 2009 @ 11:56 pm

Everyone is calling him an ass but I don't really get that and most definitely not abusive unless there's more to the story. You have different personalities, some people need to sit and stew and reflect. I'm like that, I need time to work things in out in my head and if I don't get it I can't interact at all and if people won't leave me alone I feel like they're stealing something from me. I don't even think it's selfish or at least not anymore selfish than wanting to talk, you are just trying to work things through.

That being said I think you're at an impasse, if not being talkative is past the line you draw for what you need maybe you should rethink the relationship... but if you can adjust to the amount of time he needs to himself you two will probably be fine.

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