cheating...


Anonymous
on Mar 05, 2008 @ 12:23 pm

Before I start, I would like to say that I am completely 100% against cheating, and that I think it's an absolutely horrible thing to do. I've been cheated on in the past and I felt like crap because of it.
However, there's this guy who goes to school with me that I've had a pretty big crush on since September, and based on the way he looks at me, I'd say the feeling is mutual. We also came thisclose to kissing a few months ago.
I found out in October that he has a girlfriend, and that they've been together for almost seven years. However, she lives in a completely different province, and based on what I've heard from close friends of his, he's reluctant to settle down with her - they're not engaged or anything.
Now, here's where it gets (even more) complicated. I definitely do not have any desire to be in a relationship (with him or anyone) - I just want to hook up with him.
The school year is almost over, we're both graduating and then he's moving to the other side of the world to work - meaning that if I want to do something I have to act fast.
But, I'm incredibly shy, and he's the same way.
I guess what I'm asking is, do I make a move or not? I was speaking with my therapist about this a few weeks ago, and she said that in her opinion, him not being engaged means he's fair game. I really like him and feel like if I don't do something, I'll regret it, especially because chances are I'll never see him again after this year.
 


10 Replies


Anonymous
she said what?! on Mar 05, 2008 @ 01:13 pm

Just because someone is not engaged or married does not mean they're "fair game".
If he has been with his girlfriend for seven years - UNLESS they have an open relationship where they have both agreed it's ok for both of them to see other people and not be exclusive to one another, he is NOT "fair game". I'm rather appalled that a therapist would give such advice on this situation. Just because a couple is not engaged or married does not mean they are not committed to one another and does not mean it would be ok for someone else to come along and try to hook up with one of them.

It seems to me you are basing everything here - how he feels, details about his relationship - on what others are saying and specualtion. The only way you can ever know anything for sure about those things is to directly ask him about it.

Just "hooking up" with someone who is in a committed relationship - engaged or not - is cheating. If you're not in a relationship then no, maybe YOU won't be cheating... but he'll be cheating on her with you. You said you've been cheated on before, so you know how it hurts. Do you really want to cause someone else to feel that way by being "the other woman"?
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Ali de Bold
Hold the phone on Mar 05, 2008 @ 01:48 pm

Anonymous #2 said it all. This is terrible advice from your therapist. A therapist should not be giving you advice that will most certainly hurt you in the end. Their job is to help you make good decisions and be a better person, no? Even if it is just sex to you, the potential for hurt is great.How would you feel if you were in a relationship with someone for 7 years and another woman who just wanted to "hook up" with your man slept with him?

I really feel that what goes around comes around. You don't want to be "the other woman" as Anonymous #2 pointed out. Don't try to sort out what his relationship status is with her. If he didn't want to be with her they would have broken up. He is not a victim who can't make his own choices about being in a relationship. He obviously wants to be there to some degree or he would have broken it off.. Will that stop him from being a cheating dirty dog? No. Should that stop you? Yes.

Regardless of your moral position just think how you would feel in her shoes. And drop that therapist.
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Anonymous
in her shoes on Mar 05, 2008 @ 03:50 pm

As MissChickie said, consider things from her perspective. Regardless of what the guy is feeling/thinking, she probably still considers them to be a couple. If you're just looking for a One Night Stand and you are totally fixated on this one guy, tell him you want to hook up, but only on the condition that he ends the other relationship first.

By the way, I think getting with a guy who's spoken for is BAD. I'm just going to come out and say that. Not trying to judge you as a 'bad person', but this action is a big no-no. You will come to regret it soon enough. Your therapist is not helping; find another one. I would almost go so far as to say they should have their license yanked for such unprofessional advice. Encouraging someone to have an affair is stupid and ethically irresponsible.
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artist
Goodness gracious! on Mar 05, 2008 @ 09:00 pm

I have to agree with all the other comments here. I cannot believe that a professional therapist would give such advice!

I do find it interesting how you say that you're against cheating, when technically what you want to do with this guy is cheating. The only difference is that you're on the other side of the fence... and as you mentioned you have been cheated on before.

I think you have to think about this from the perspective of his girlfriend. Just because they are in long distance relationship doesn't make this fair game.

Another thing to think about: When you say you really like him, but all you want to do is hook up with him. That itself tells me it's pure lust... and we know what can happen with that when we make moves based solely on those feelings.... especially when there is another person in the picture!

I think you really need to consider whether or not you want to go through with this. I think it's morally wrong. From my perspective, you really need to consider whether or not such a guy (who is already attached to someone) is worth the hook up.
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Anonymous
don't be tempted; and most importantly don't tempt the boy on Mar 05, 2008 @ 10:03 pm

I've recently been struggling with the whole idea of cheating. In my case, you can say that I've been on either side of the fence. I don't mean physically doing anything. It's the whole concept of emotional affairs that's been bothering me.
Before I met my boyfriend, I was an unabashed flirt. I'd openly flirt with guys, even ones who have girlfriends, just for fun. But, now that I'm older and my relationship stable, I've totally changed my ways. And I do regret my past behaviours. Perhaps as misschickie had mentioned, it's karma that I now find myself being the girlfriend who's bothered by a woman who's flirting with my boyfriend at work in a rather cunning way: playing the "you're-just-like-my-best-friend" card (and no, I'm not being paranoid - she even did the hitting thing among other stuff). Even though I've discussed this with him and he had assured me that he'd be faithful, there's always this doubt in my mind. And this whole situation really freaked me out - about how fragile relationships are...and how opportunities to cheat can be so easy to come by. So, I can say first hand that one does huge damage as "the other woman" even though there's no physical "romp" involved. It also does damage to your own reputation. I mean, that woman's behaviour really doesn't speak well for her character. Which brings me to: please don't be tempted and don't tempt the boy!
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MizzRobin
Ummm yah... on Mar 06, 2008 @ 12:14 am

MissChickie and the others said it best....dump the BAD therapist and what goes around comes around.... just because they are not married or engaged does NOT mean either of them is fair game. Put yourself in her shoes...how would you like it?!? I also agree with Artist, if you really like the person but say you just want to hook up, that makes no sense and it sounds more like a lust thing. As for the whole cheating thing, I would strongly reconsider what you were considering because what you could end up doing to this girl will come back to haunt you later when you are with someone you truly truly care about.
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Anonymous
Dont be that girl on Mar 06, 2008 @ 05:33 am

What is so specail about this guy that your willing to become "that girl" the home wrecker if you will. It is never ok to knowingly go after someone whos in a relationship. Peoples felings are valuable. You have billions of single men to choose from. Pick one or two or twelve. I would find another therapist. Or suggest she see one. She is setting you up for drama. And remember.. his girlfriend might not be stable and you literally could be putting your life at risk.

People who cheat and people involved with those that cheat are losers. They lack self esteem, self worth. They dont value themselves. If someone is willing to share you they dont value you. If a man is married and is cheating he doesnt care about his wife, he doesnt care about the woman hes cheating with and he doesnt care about himself. If a woman is in a relationship and she is cheating with a man, that man doesnt care about her. What man would openly share a woman with someon else? These people are low lifes. And you get what you pay for. I am done ranting. Pretty obvious ive been cheated on :).
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reeshie19
uhm on Mar 06, 2008 @ 12:13 pm

im going to say something straight forward,but it's honest advice if you read between the lines:)girls are quick to point a finger at the guy who cheats on his girlfriend, but we forget about the other person involved.SOMEtimes,the other girl doesn't know about the girlfriend...but in your case you do.to me-->that makes this situation a danger zone.not only will you be hurting someones feelings, but you will bw getting yourself a bad nam in the long run.girls who cheat with guys who are spoken for....don't always get the best of comments. please don't think i am being horrible, but this is the reality of the situation.like someone else said..i don't think you would like the same thing happening to you ESPECIALLY if you are miles away from your boyfriend:)
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hunter_jc
icic... on Mar 06, 2008 @ 11:37 pm

I gues you should make it clear about his relationship with his gf. sometimes talking about it will clear both of you and his mind. If he and this woman is not really together then go ahead. But if he really is seeing her and stuff then you will probably not be able to do anything after you guys talk about it. I mean there are many other guys who are single. Don't be fixated on just one. give other single guys a chance. It's hard as hack for us to find a date.
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ourlittlefamily
Are you going to move across the world with him? on Mar 14, 2008 @ 02:15 pm

I was struck by your comment that he is moving across the world after you graduate - taking everything else away (his girlfriend etc etc) if you did hook up with him, would you want to drop everything and move across the world with him? If not then I'd say that makes the whole thing a non-starter, regardless of anything else!
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