Clingy Friend


Lotus Flower
on Sep 14, 2010 @ 04:42 am

hello dolls

its been a while since I've been on chick advisor, i have missed the wise counsel of my web pals. now to the issue at hand. i have this 'friend" who is very clingy. the reason i have put the word friend in quotation marks is because i am doubting the basis of her friendship. we became close about a year and a half ago. but last year she became very clingy. i have a bunch of girlfriends that i am extremely close with (15years and counting). she began hating them and telling to stop hanging out with them. i told her she doesn't have the right to judge them like that especially since she doesn't know them. after this i went trough a traumatic experience. granted she was there for me. but my heart told me she wasn't being sincere. and now i realize my heart was right. every time she wants something, she keeps reminding me that " she was there for me that one time..."so she guilt trips me into doing things for her. in the past 3 months i have kept my distance, which i feel bad about but i had to be a bit selfish and put my studies, job and family 1st. This hasn't gone down well with her. My girlfriends actually thought we were dating coz this friend acts more like a possessive boyfriend. i don't want to hurt her as i know she isn't a bad person deep down.

dolls...how can i handle this situation????
 


6 Replies


Ali de Bold
Toxic situation on Sep 14, 2010 @ 09:26 am

It's funny. If this was a guy, everyone would be telling you to dump him because of his unhealthy behavior, but because it's a friend it's somehow different. Should it be?

If you have already talked to her about this and the situation isn't improving, I'd stop hanging out with her. Telling you not to spend time with your other friends is really inappropriate. Guilt tripping to get you to do stuff and the whole "remember when I was there for you..." is just wrong. Who does that? A good friend doesn't need to remind you of how supportive they are and they certainly won't use the time they were there for you as future leverage to keep you as a friend.

If you want to salvage the friendship you definitely need to sit her down and let her know her behavior is inappropriate. However, if I was in your shoes I'd let this one go.
Reply

jchang212
Been There...Kinda on Sep 14, 2010 @ 12:01 pm

I've had the clingy friend, and I've probably also been the clingy friend at one point, but none of them to this extent!

Take it as a compliment - she really wants to be your friend (which means you must be super awesome!). However, I agree with Ali. True friends wouldn't use guilt as a weapon. Although she was there for you, friendship is something you should give without having to get anything in return.

In the end communication is still key. It wouldn't be fair to her if you suddenly distanced yourself without letting her know what's wrong.
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mamaluv
agree with everyone on Sep 14, 2010 @ 12:15 pm

I have had these kinds of friends, and eventually a discussion had to happen. Very Awkward. I have also had non-clingy friends who tried to tell me who I could hang with and who I could not.

It's very 3rd Grade and time to stop. Make sure she understands your side and give her a chance to change. You said she is a good person; perhaps she's just afraid of losing you and will do the hard work to mend your friendship. If she's unwilling to respect your boundaries, then you have to do as Ali suggests and "break up" with her.

I think we take men to task much more quickly than our BFFs. Maybe that's unfair, but both types of relationships have intimacy and can cause life long regrets if not cared for or walked away from in a timely fashion.

Best of luck to you!
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Kellie Atkinson
everyone has at least one of them... on Sep 14, 2010 @ 01:09 pm

I have heard about this a lot.. girls being jealous when you hang out with your other girlfriends. I think it's pretty funny myself because I am definitely not one of those people, and try to laugh it off when a girlfriend acts this way. I have asked around and it is quite a common thing, though.
I would definitely let her know how you are feeling and give her an opportunity to change her behavior. If she doesn't, then a "break up" is definitely in order!

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Bren
Been There as well on Sep 14, 2010 @ 04:54 pm

I have had a few friends like that in my past and its very draining isn't it!I had to end the friendships because they were to toxic.If anyone starts giving you a guilt trip or telling who you can and cannot hang out with this is a bad sign right there.You need to talk to her about how she is acting if you feel its a friend you want in your life.Good Luck lotus-flower
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heahyun
Clingy is not good! on Sep 15, 2010 @ 12:32 am

I'm sorry to hear about that. I too had a very similar situation. How I fixed the situation was that I had dinner with my friend and told her that her behaviour/guilt trip was making me feel very uncomfortable and if it continued I would not be able to continue being a friend to her. I think when I expressed it very black and white it became very clear to her that it was really hurting me. She has changed for the better and to this date we are still good friends and she has respected by boundaries.
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