deal breakers

on Jun 29, 2009 @ 07:23 pm

I have been in a relationship with my bf for over a year and we are discussing our future together but recently we have been having problems because of smoking. I need some advice. He used to smoke a couple of packs a day but then quit for about 6 months. He then started to smoke Prime Times (cigarettes wrapped in cigar paper) here and there. Since the spring this has increased to almost every time he has beer or is out with friends. When we got together I told him I would never date a smoker. He quit but now it seems as though he is slowly starting to get back into smoking again. It has caused us to fight a lot. A good friend told me that I should try to meet him half way. He says he normally smokes 3-4 prime times a week which is 3-4 too many for me. I told him that I would allow one a day with no comment or attitude to try to meet him half way. A day into this new plan he had 2 and then told me he should be allowed more than one a day if he wants. The point is that he promised he would quit and now he is doing what he wants to do. I am VERY anti smoking. Thuth is, if I thought he was going to smoke or was a smoker, we would have never got together in the first place. He asked if I am going to throw away us for smoking. I think he is doing the same thing. He broke that promise of not smoking already and when I tried to meet him half way on allowing a bit, he is now trying to negotiate for more smoking. I feel betrayed and sad that he is going to just do what he wants irregardless of how I feel. Question, what would you do? Is it stupid to end a relationship over smoking?

8 Replies

convictions on Jun 29, 2009 @ 09:29 pm

While there are worse offenses out there than smoking, if it truly bothers you so much to strain the relationship, you really have to listen to convictions.

I would advise you to take a step back and evaluate your love for him. Make sure your problem w/ him is the smoking and not him in general. Its quite common for people to sabotage relationships over one detail. Its easy to blame something on the surface rather than address the real issue(s).

Personally, smoking is a deal breaker in that I would not even consider dating someone if he is a smoker. However, if he picks it up mid-relationship, that's a tough situation. In a nut shell, he needs to respect your convictions and you need to respect his personal choice. If neither of you can do your part, its time to walk away.

more thoughts on Jun 29, 2009 @ 09:32 pm

I don't know how old you guys are or how committed the relationship is, but you might want to sit down w/ him and play psychologist. Now I don't mean to probe him, but talk about his world and perhaps pinpoint something that has changed for him that has increased his stress level. Its common to turn to vices like smoking when a person is feeling strain and out of control. Perhaps you can help him to focus his energy on a more healthful and effective stress reliever. If you're really in it w/ him for the long haul, growth like this will be necessary to salvage what you've got.

Ali de Bold
tough one on Jun 30, 2009 @ 10:10 am

I agree with Spotty that you need to evaluate the relationship separately from the smoking. Do you think he's doing this because it's becoming a habit or because it's his way of asserting his independence from you? Guys really hate being told what to do and if he's feeling pressured in other aspects of the relationship this may be his way of saying you can't tell me what to do! Then again maybe he just really enjoys it and doesn't want to stop himself. If this is really a deal breaker for you then don't carry on fighting about it. Make a decision for yourself and stick with it. If he's going to quit it's because he wants to not because you told him to.

right on mc on Jun 30, 2009 @ 01:21 pm

Every time you tell him not to smoke or complain about it in any way,
he'll do it even more -- not necessarily to spite you, but to assert
his independence. People will only ever change at their own prescribed
pace (even if they know what they're doing is wrong or unhealthful).

I feel like I've overly-contributed to this thread. I've just been
there before. The issue wasn't smoking, but it was certainly an issue
large enough that neither of us was willing to budge. Even though most
other aspects of the relationship were great, w/o compromise on our big
issue, we weren't going anywhere. So we both walked away.

a new approach on Aug 05, 2009 @ 06:05 am

It has been a hard lesson. But friends, family, coworkers and our loves we can not tell them what to do. It is their life.

So we can share are concern. we can say how much they mean to us and how we want them in our lives as long as possible. You can voice, that you do not prefer the way your clothes, house, car smell afterwards. If he choose to smoke he has a place & a time. Then he must put forth the effort to smell nicer for you. this is considerate.

It is all about wording. Don't say Stop, your not being fair. Say I would really like to speak to you about something that is important to me. When he is ready he will listen. Make sure he and you are in a willingness mood.

Also people will quite when there ready. if they quite for anyone else it will nto work.

Also taking the approach of how can you assist him in quitting is a much better approach.

He needs support. Not judgement. He needs to know he can fall and you will nto be disapointed. You will stand by him no matter what he does. He is human and will make mistakes.

Also maybe you can give up soemthing at the same you both do it together.

Look at things from another point of view.

Remember men are nto like our helpfulness looks like we are negative and unsupportive. They will not open up or ask for help if the feel we are judging.

Remind Him on Aug 11, 2009 @ 08:38 am

The main thing you have to also think about is that if he can't keep a little promise, is he going to keep a bigger promise?

If he's breaking this promise at the beginning of your relationship, he'll most likely break other promises too.

To me, a promise is a big thing. If I can't trust him with the small promises, then I can't trust him with the larger ones is how I see it.

I do agree that you should compromise, but don't give up your beliefs just for him. If you originally agreed to no smoking, but now you're saying that he can smoke once a day, then you need to point this out.

He broke the promise and you can say that since that was his original promise to you and that you are trying to compromise by allowing him to smoke once a day. If he balks at this...most likely he won't keep other promises either.

I don't know, it's a lot harder when you are that far into the relationship, but think of your relationship outside of just the smoking and see what you find.


tough one... on Aug 13, 2009 @ 04:37 pm

I know exactly how you feel. My ex smoked, at first I let it go cause i was young and liked him a lot, but later in the relationship it really started getting to me. It was gross to kiss him, I hate the smell of smoke...and to think of marrying someone that smokes disgusts me...i dont want smoke in my house, around my children, or me. My father died at 50 of Cancer. It was devastating, and I don't want to marry someone that cares so little about their health when we are going to have a family to take care of. What would his children do if he got lung cancer?

Plus generally smoking is just gross. And if you fight about it all the time now, i think it will continue to be an issue forever.It's so hard though because you love him, but no it's not stupid to end a relationship over smoking because if you are going to marry this person, you have to think, can i live with this for the rest of my life? If not then you have your answer. He has to want to quit and put a real effort in but it doesnt sound like he wants or cares to do that. Tell him it does matter to you in the end and he has to get serious about it if he wants to marry you one day.Tell him its not that you want to control him, but rather you can't marry someone that smokes for health reasons.

good luck!

smoking on Aug 13, 2009 @ 11:44 pm

At one or two cigarettes a day ,he is not addicted,he could easily stop if he wanted to.That makes me think that there are other reasons behind his smoking.I agree with miss chickie that maybe he is doing it to prove to himself or the guys that you don't control him,that he is independent.His friends might also be teasing him about you nagging him about not smoking or something like that ,and he needs to prove otherwise.If you are that much against smoking,let him go. If he really wants to be with you ,he will stop smoking and come back to you.

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