Devastated and need support

on Jan 25, 2014 @ 03:14 pm

Hi everyone, I hope its ok to post my story on here. I've been struggling to cope for the last month and I'm not sure what to try next.

I broke up with my first serious boyfriend just before Christmas, and it was really the hardest decision I've had to make. We had been together for 1.5 years. I'm 24 so I guess a bit older before having a serious relationship, but I fell head over heels for this guy, and thought he was amazing. I still don't believe he is a "bad" person, and he had a very difficult childhood. He told me his father left him and his mother when he was 10 and a few years later his stepdad came into the picture. He absolutely hates his stepdad, and has never forgiven him, but he never really told me any details about it. 

Throughout the relationship, we never really argued at all but when something would happen he would just ignore me for days on end. We didn't live together so he would just ignore any messages I sent him and not respond at all. It made me so anxious and upset, I didn't know what he was thinking, and couldn't understand why someone who says they care about you can put you through so much hurt. I tried to tell him how it made me feel, but sometimes was so relieved that he was talking again, I was scared to set it off again. I know that makes me sound pathetic and I should have been stronger.

He did promise not to give me the silent treatment anymore, but he did and this time I went to see him and we had a massive row. I'm annoyed at myself for getting so angry, and its like all the bottled up emotions just came out all at once. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and broke up with him. I was really angry for the first few days and now I'm just sad all the time. I miss him so much and keep thinking about all the great times we had together, but ultimately know that it can't work when he won't communicate with me. I know its stupid but I wanted him to at least try and save the relationship, or say he would change but nothing. 

I know its not like we were married or anything but I never knew how much it was going to hurt and it feels endless. I've tried doing things to distract myself, seeing friends, joined a gym, focused on uni, but it doesn't seem to be working. I guess I'm just looking for support or advice from people who might have been through it before. I really would appreciate any comments.

13 Replies

You're in mourning on Jan 27, 2014 @ 11:33 am

Breaking up is like having a death in the family. You're in mourning and it's not going to go away overnight. I can tell you to find hobbies but you've already tried making a few changes and the hurt is still there. Maybe you can find peace in helping others, perhaps volunteering at a soup kitchen or shelter, either with animals or people. Maybe you need to have other human contact to see how much you still have that is a blessing.

It hurts honey and it's going to hurt for a little while; the memories of the good times will make your eyes water more than the bad times during this mourning period. What you have to do is remind yourself why it didn't work and accept the fact that you made the right choice for you right now.

He has a communication issue and unless he was willing to work through that with you, you would have ended it sooner or later. You can't have a relationship without proper communication and without that one tool, you can't build a solid foundation.

Good luck


It gets better on Jan 27, 2014 @ 11:43 am

@ghost131 - The first cut is the deepest but I promise you it gets better and easier. Our first love will always hold a special place in our hearts for the new experiences and feelings they brought to us. The novelty of that alone often causes us to confuse what "love" really is, ultimately skewing your idea of how you should be treated. I don't doubt you two shared a special connection but relationships shouldn't be that difficult, nor should you ever feel unsettled or anxious.

It sounds like he has quite a bit to figure out on his own first before opening himself up to someone. It's not your job to play therapist and take on his problems no matter how much you care about him.

As cheesey as it is, if it's meant to be - it will be. I think you are doing all the right things right now by keeping busy and putting the focus back on you for the time being. The more you tend to yourself and your happiness, the more you will draw in like minded positive people. Chin up, chick! xx

You Made The Right Decision on Jan 27, 2014 @ 03:01 pm

At 24, you're wise enough to know when something will work and when it won't and this was a case when he was probably not going to let you in any time soon. You can't be with someone so emotionally distant. There's more to a relationship than just loving someone. For it to work, you need to have a partner, not just a lover. This is going to be a great learning experience for you. Yes, it's going to suck, big time and it hurts, I know but think - you're just another step to the right person.

Hang in there on Apr 01, 2014 @ 12:27 pm

From personal experience I have been there, and am happy to say I had a happy ending. That being said you cant make him change, he has to want to change. My boyfriend and I had a very different family dynamic, I came from a divorced family, and he came from your typical happy family, so he didn't always understand that when he shut down and blocked me out that it hurt me, and that I felt abandoned. Through communication, lots of arguments, and working it out we made it work. I understand that sometimes he needs about half an hour to walk away and think about it and then I approach him to talk about it and work it out. I need to communicate to solve problems and he knows that, and I know that he needs some alone time to calm down and collect his thoughts.

This was a huge strugle for us early on in our relationship now almost 5 years later we are happily married, sure we still fight but we know how to work it out and how to effectivly communicate.

I think the ball is kind of in his court at the moment if hes willing to understand what you need and work in his needs aswell you can make it work. But if he cant accept that, it's time to move on.

Stay strong girlfriend, and remember somethings fall apart so that others can fall into place.


right call on Apr 01, 2014 @ 07:03 pm

Honestly, I have been in this exact same situation before with my ex. We had a few consistent issues that werent going away, and we had a huge fight and broke up, and after a week I honestly felt like I was dying and couldn't live without him even though I knew the relationship wasn't truly functional. So we got back together, and nothing changed and we moved in together and made eachother miserable for another year and a half after that before I broke up with him and moved out and you know what? Best decision I ever made. I am so much happier now without him and with someone else who is nothing like him. Trust me. If u had stayed it would've ended, just later, after you wasted more years of your life on trying to please someone who isn't right for you. Take it one day a time. Each day gets the tiniest bit easier then the last until you realize you're okay.

Hope its better on May 07, 2014 @ 02:03 pm

First loves are great, breakups suck. Hope all is better now. Your post of Jan 25/14 was so touching, that I just wanted to touch base and make sure you are OK. You sound like a very sensible young girl, so just remember things happen for a reason, and perhaps the reason is that there is someone out there that is perfect and definitely meant for you. Don't ever settle for just anyone. Trust me there is someone out there especially meant for you. So good luck, and always look on the bright side of life.

You'll Get Through It! on Jun 10, 2014 @ 05:04 pm

My first heartbreak happened when my relationship of 4 years ended over a phone call. It hurts and its sad but it happens for a reason. In this life every person you date you're going to break up with unless it is the person you marry. My cousin told me that when I was broken up about it. He said that it is going to happen more often than not. Which is a sucky feeling but its true. Every relationship teaches you something. You learn what you want and what you don't want and it seems to me that you learned you want communication. (Which you should!)

Unfortunately there isn't a cure for a broken heart. Just keep going day by day. Remember to smile. And it is normal to miss the good moments- you will always remember him because he was your first serious relationship but just remember he wasn't your last. Life will move on and you will find someone who loves you and will communicate with you!

Good Choice!! on Jun 18, 2014 @ 11:25 pm

I bet your heart is breaking (literally!! It literally feels like chest ache when your heart breaks)
I know, I've been in that situation...BUT Sometimes, It Seriously Is For The Best!!!
Communication Is A Priority In Any Relationship!!
You Were Right To Leave Him!
It hurts now, and will for awhile, but eventually it'll be easier to look back on.
Time heals but slowly!
All The Best To You Ghost131,
You deserve soo much more...
So DON'T Settle For Nothing Less!!!
Take Care!!!xx

Love at times can be the best worst thing and the worst best thing we do! on Jun 19, 2014 @ 09:32 am

I just want to say excellent words of wisdom from everyone

Frogs before the Prince! on Jun 24, 2014 @ 04:40 pm

Hang in there, we all have to kiss a few frogs sometimes before we can find our prince!

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