on Jul 05, 2012 @ 12:38 am|
Do I have to love my boyfriend, or do I have to love his family as well?
|love your BF on his own merits on Jul 05, 2012 @ 10:04 am|
You have made a really critical point, and one that is often overlooked. When you marry a man, you marry his family too. This is very much true. It doesn't mean you approve of or even accept their behaviour, but you are now linked to them and your business is their business to some degree.
I know some people will disagree with that last statement. However, the point is not whether your business should be their business, but rather that it becomes so intertwined that it's inevitable.
So, having said all of that, you have recognized that your boyfriend comes with a certain amount of baggage and possibly an outlook on life that you don't necessarily agree with. An outlook that eventually could affect the way you raise your children and behave in your marriage, if things get that far.
There are several people in my extended family who have married out of our "mold"; that is, I come from a semi-distinct cultural group with a heritage, traditions, and shared moral/religious beliefs. It was always assumed that you'd marry someone from a similar background first and foremost because it would set your marriage and childrearing on the same page from the beginning. Those of my extended family who have married people who do not come from a similar background have struggled in those relationships. Don't be under any illusions that marrying someone who is drastically different than you can lead to unique challenges.
HOWEVER, you should evaluate your relationship and your boyfriend on HIS merits too. Just because his family is dysfunctional does not mean that he isn't a fantastic guy with a good head on his shoulders. I would not advise you to end the relationship because his family is crazy. You should end the relationship if your relationship is not a good fit. Usually a "good fit" is determined by shared values - don't underestimate that.
Don't stay with him because you want to rescue him or because you worry that leaving him will make his life worse. Decide to stay or go based on how healthy your relationship is and whether the differences in your outlooks are deal breakers or not. You can be in love with a terrific guy whose values are completely opposite of your own - that relationship will probably break down in the long run. You can be in love with an idiot whose values match your own - that relationship is also doomed. But if your guy is a great catch and his fundamental values match your own DESPITE his baggage, then he's worth hanging on to. Everyone has baggage. Not everyone is mature enough to recognize and deal with it.
That's my 2 cents anyway :)
|No on Jul 05, 2012 @ 11:56 am|
I don't think you need to end the relationship based on your boyfriend's family dysfunctionality. If that was a reason to dump someone, I'd never have stuck out dating my husband! Haha! However, I think if somewhere down the road your relationship becomes negatively affected, unhappy, resentful, or full of conflict then it may be time to reevaluate things. Not liking his family is not a reason to break it off, even though the things that have happened are horrible. He doesn't beat you so that's a good start in determining if he is like his family at all. Like mamaluv said, he can still be a fantastic guy and I'm sure he is.
It's hard but stick it out and try to keep his family at a distance if possible if it has the potential to negatively effect your relationship. Good luck!