Do you discuss the person you're dating with your friends?


Anonymous
on Aug 12, 2009 @ 02:49 am

I've started dating this guy now. We were really good friends before and I like him and am attracted to him but there are things I don't like about him now that we are dating. Mostly that sometimes I don't think he treats me that well.

For example to celebrate my birthday I had a party with a bunch of people on the weekend but this was a few days before my actual birthday since it fell on a weekday. On my real birthday I invited him and my other two best friends for dinner. He was invited to another get together that night and went there instead because he said he already celebrated my birthday and there's no point in coming on my real birthday since I have my two other friends there. I wanted him to be there because he's important to me like my other two friends but he said that he should be more important since we're dating now and by putting him with them I'm saying he's not more important than them. To which I agreed because my two best friends are extremely important to me.

So my other two friends came to my little dinner on my actual birthday and they asked where the other guy was. I explained to them the whole situation which led to some other things about why I do and don't like him. Then one of those friends sent me a follow-up e-mail and the guy I'm dating accidently read it. He was checking his e-mail and I didn't log out of my e-mail so it was in plain sight. My fault. My friend said she didn't like him because he should've came to my dinner if he cared about me, at least for a bit. The fact that he didn't come means that I'm not that important to him plus coupled with some of the other things he does, I deserve someone that will support me better.

So the guy said he didn't like that I talked about him with my friends because doesn't talk about me to anyone. I said I think we're difference because I need to talk things out whereas some people don't. And it's not like I tell everyone everything, I just tell my best friends things I need to talk about. Kinda like the 4 girls in Sex and the City.

Sorry for the long story but this was all background for the main question. I'm wondering is it not normal to discuss dating and these situations with your friends? Do you guys do it? I thought it was normal but he said it isn't and he doesn't like other people knowing personal details about him.
 


7 Replies


Warrior
mhmmm on Aug 12, 2009 @ 07:00 am

I think that it is good to vent to your friends about issues you are having. Sometimes, it can really help you look at things in a different view and to understand. But, to me that should only go so far, I do not like it when my friends push on the matter of personal things like sex. Yes, you can talk about it to your really close friend but I wouldn't suggest bringing these things up to friends that aren't in your main circle of trust because if you bring issues up to a bunch of people that will turn out in a disaster of - Gossip Girl - for an example and is there really a need to tell the whole world? I think that what you had discussed with your friends was okay. I can see where your boyfriend didn't like the idea though. Some people don't like other people knowing too much of them until that person themselves approves of them knowing that info.

The birthday party..well, maybe that should have just been for you and him. Because you did have a party with your other friends and your actual day of your birthday should be spent with your loved-ones. So, I think that, he had been right about that day only being for you two. I think that he was upset that you didn't want to spend that time alone with him. Talk with him about it, work it through.

As for, " I like him and am attracted to him but there are things I don't like about him now that we are dating"
You have to keep in mind that when you are with your boyfriend, is it the good things you experience or is it the bad things most of the time? Everyone has their flaws but it is the good things that make up for those flaws so if you're only seeing flaws than maybe, it's time to move on?

Hope this helped :)

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rugbymom
Talking to Friends on Aug 12, 2009 @ 10:25 am

I have always noticed that when it comes to men & women, most of us women talk to our friends more about our relationships then men do. Most good men would understand this and also tend to joke around about it.

I myself would have been pretty mad at the fact that he chose to be somewhere else on my actual birthday rather than to be with me. As for the e-mail thing if he is already ready reading your emails that is a BAD SIGN, even though you left it open he should of just closed it without reading it, that is a sign of lack of trust.

Sorry if I was so blunt but if it was me I would move on because it sounds like it will probably get worse not better.
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Ali de Bold
Normal to vent to the girls on Aug 12, 2009 @ 11:46 am

I think it is perfectly normal to talk to your girlfriends about your sig other, with some boundaries. There are certain things that should be kept private between the two of you and some things you may need your friends advice and perspective on. As long as you aren't selling him out or describing his penis/performance in bed, I don't see what the problem is.

It is strange to me that he wouldn't want to be with you on your birthday, and stranger still that he has a problem with your friends being invited since it sounds to me like you are the one that planned this. If he had asked you out to a birthday dinner and you dragged your friends along that would be different.

I also don't think that just because you've been dating a short while, he should eclipse your friends in importance.
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curlysue10
I think... on Aug 12, 2009 @ 12:09 pm

I completely agree with the rugbymom. I think he should have been there on your actual birthday. I would have been SO upset if my boyfriend had chosen to be somewhere else on the actual day, not matter how many times we had already celebrated.


To your main issue though, I think this is a case of men and women simply being different. Personally, I always discuss issues with my boyfriend with my best friends. I agree with warrior here that you don't need to tell the whole world, but honestly you need to vent and work through problems with your girlfriends sometimes. That is simply how we women operate. No you don't need to tell every random coworker and aquaintence about your issues but it is nice to discuss them with close friends because you sometimes need perspective and advice. Its difficult to deal with things alone and having some moral support from your friends is often necessary -- after all, that is what we do here on the chick chat forums!


I have dealt with guys (and so have my friends) who have had a major problem with how close me and my girlfriends are and as a result, how much information we share. I think this is immature. My current boyfriend (and my friends') understand that this is how girls operate and you pretty much have to deal with it. I'm not saying you can or should share private information (such as information about your sex life for example) but even if you chose to discuss this stuff it is not really any of their business. For them to try and control how you act with your friends is not fair -- if they truly accepted who you are they would accept this.


I may be wrong about this (I mean it is a bit of a gray area) but that is my opinion. I share tons of information about my boyfriend with my friends and he knows it. Sometimes he'll ask if I've told certain people certain things but he never tries to tell me not to. In addition to that, the things he is concered with me disclosing to other people are typically more private in nature anyway and I wouldn't dream of discussing it with my friends.

Good luck with this! I hope my comments helped.
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curlysue10
ha ha misschickie on Aug 12, 2009 @ 12:10 pm

I posed right after you and we used the same words ... advice and perspecitve. Great minds :)
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Ali de Bold
Haha! on Aug 12, 2009 @ 02:31 pm

Yes we did... I agree ;)
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Becky
Definately!!! on Aug 12, 2009 @ 10:28 pm

I would definately discuss my man with my girls. They can give me insight and advise and help me see the situations clearer. If I'm IN a relationship its harder for me to have prespective of the situation, so discussing with my best gals who know me well can ensure that I don't throw away a good thing, as well help me recognize when its not that good.

As for him being pissy about you wanting to share your birthday with your best friends and him ... umm he's trying to put himself above your best girls already?? You guys are just dating!! What's he gonna do when you guys become an item? Maybe then he'll start scheduling when and for how long you can see them?

Tread carefully girl.......... ask anyone who's been in a controlling relationship. Full fledged control doesn't happen overnight, it starts of small. Don't be paranoid that he's another abusive control freak, but still be alert to recognize the signs in case he is.

I think Spotty or MizzRobin or one of the other very knowledgeable ladies said something that really stuck to me -- To a certain extent, we train our men on how to treat us. So think about it, and train him well.

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