Ever have love fall apart for no apparent reason?

on Nov 14, 2011 @ 12:38 am

So up until about 2 months ago, the thought of spending the rest of my life with my guy made me so happy I'd cry sometimes (happy tears :)) Then for no reason at all he started to irritate me with every little thing he did.  Soon the irritation overtook the love I had for him and I was no longer happy and couldn't see our future anymore.  It finally ended for good tonight and it couldn't have been worse timing...his birthday and our 1 year anniversary.  It ended pretty badly.  

Lately I wasn't even acting like myself but instead became a cold and what seemed to be heartless person when it came to his feelings.  I hated that person and didn't know what to do to be happy again except for leave him.  I feel like a horrible person for the way it ended and wish it could have been different.  Wish I knew how to get back to where we were but without knowing what happened, I have no idea how to try to work through it.

Has anyone had experience with this?  

5 Replies

Yes, I have but to a much much smaller degree on Nov 14, 2011 @ 09:34 am

My first relationship was like that - not nearly as devastating as you have had to experience (*hugs*!), but there were similarities.

In my case, we were just having fun together. Nothing serious, just enjoying being very "in like" for the first time. Then I inexplicably got cold feet just around the time when my boyfriend dropped the L word.

It was like the attraction just evaporated overnight. I still liked him as a friend, but didn't want the relationship. Unfortunately, being an immature young teen, I allowed the relationship to continue for a few weeks while I rehashed every detail with my best friends - while looking at teenie mags and cutting out pics of hot movie stars and filling out the "Are you a good girlfriend?" quizzes, of course.

When I did break up with my boyfriend 2 weeks later he felt blindsided and tried to convince me to change my mind. But I didn't have one iota of lovey-dovey feelings for him. I even laid the ol' "it's not you, it's me" line on him. (In my case, it was true...)

I think in your case, you were coming up on a milestone in your relationship. I'm not talking about the 1-year mark. I'm talking about the ending of the honeymoon phase and the beginning of the make-it-or-break-it phase. It's common to have cold feet, and sometimes decisions made in those moments are the right ones; occasionally they are the wrong ones.

I think you need to evaluate your whole situation to determine the reason for your disintegrating feelings:

1. Are there other stressors in your life at the moment, stressors that perhaps weren't present 3-4 months ago? E.g. problems at work/school, problems with friends, problems with family members, health issues?

2. I don't know how old you are, but could that be a factor? If you're on the younger side, could it be that you just wanted to spread your wings (*sigh, sorry for the cheesy line)? If you're coming up on 30 yrs old, are you having a moment of panic due to where you are versus where your/your family's/society's expectations say you "should" be?

3. Do you have the sense that his feelings are more intense (or perhaps a lot less intense) than yours? Could it be that you unconsciously allowed yourself to sabotage the relationship because you were scared at what would come next?

I know it's tempting to compare your feelings now with the way they were before, but the bottom line is you have to temporarily set that aside. Deal with the emotions you are feeling right now. Evaluate them for what they are on their own merits. Take a good hard look at your relationship and ask yourself if there were warning signs that this might not have been a "forever" relationship.

e.g. you were lonely when you met him, and he made you feel special. It was the attention you wanted, not so much the man himself.

Or maybe the opposite is true - you weren't looking for anyone and he just came into your life unexpectedly. He started to mean far more to you than you thought you were ready to give... and that freaked you out.

There is no bad or good in this self-examination. Think of it more like diagnosing what is going on in your life and heart.

So now I've rambled on and should stop :) I wish you strength and courage as you sort through all of this - I know it can't be easy. We're always here to chat, so please keep us posted!

Thanks mamaluv! on Nov 14, 2011 @ 09:59 am

Actually it all started a couple months ago when my brother got married. I've never seen anyone so scared in their life. At that same wedding I met a lot of different kinds of people and had an amazing time (the bf couldn't be there because he was at a different wedding). Also, around that time I started going on a ton of interviews (yay!) but I know that having to eventually make the decision of being close to him or going somewhere else was weighing heavily on me. Then it all just fell apart. We are not ready to give up but I just wish I knew how to relax and get back in the mindset I was in before.

1 year.... on Jan 13, 2012 @ 03:51 pm

....is the marker for a lot of relationships.

And maybe the wedding freaked him out.

It's better to know (no matter how painful it is) that he's a jerk before versus later.

Chin up!

Ali de Bold
Normal on Jan 13, 2012 @ 04:52 pm

It is perfectly normal to go through periods where you're 'not feeling it'. Sometimes you just need a bit of time to think about things and evaluate if he's the right one for you. It's been a couple of months now. Have you tried to work things out?

the milestones on Jan 13, 2012 @ 06:17 pm

events trigger it.

sometimes even casual conversations.

this one was the wedding.

8 years ago, I was in a wedding. My then boyfriend was best man of a wedding. It was all nice and that, but the thought of being married came up in our conversations after the day, then weeks after. Freaked me out, really. Made me want to take the next plane to some remote islands and contemplate.

With how the other react, it is also a chance for meaningful conversation. While I was freak out, I ask him to let me be for a week. All I did was bike, and stayed in rock climbing caves surrounded by buddies and friends.
Then, when time to face him - he realized I was too young for that wedding talk, and I realize maybe he was too confident that we will get married someday. We parted ways years later, but that seem to stuck with me. Sometimes, there are men that are ready to settle, when I was clearly -- young at heart and don't know what I was doing.

Now, that I am married with kids, our milestones is tackling piles of laundry and diapers. LOL (this one unfortunately is endurance run, emotions are tuck neatly under the couch)

Whatever it is, take time to look both sides, give time for silence, be nice to each other. If you part ways, make sure you learn to brace yourself, and surround yourself with friends and Klennex.


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