Extremely Depressed:Need Advice


Katie- Lee
on Oct 11, 2010 @ 01:20 pm

Ok, First...I should start by telling you that I'm 21 years old and I just had my first baby. I feel like I really lost my looks and i'm so sad. i don't know what to do to get my body back. plus i'm trying to quit smoking and i just can't because i'm depressed. when i look in the mirror and i see what breastfeeding has done to my boobs and i see my stomach is no longer flat i just get so...upset and i turn to cigarettes.I smoke about a pack a day now. i think it makes my hair and skin look so ugly and i want to quit but i'm just so sad. its a horrible cycle.
Then there's my boyfriend...he tells me i'm beautiful and everything but he's always looking at porn and i've told him it makes me feel bad but of course he does it anyway.I just don't know what to do. I'm so embarrassed by the way i look that i don't talk to any of my friends anymore, i don't go out, i just don't want ot be seen. i don't want people to think, " well, she used to be something"...
i've honestly tried talking to my boyfriend about this but he just doesn't really seem to listen.
 


6 Replies


mamaluv
Talk to your doc on Oct 11, 2010 @ 01:58 pm

First of all, from my perspective it sounds like you may have Postpartum Depression, which is a very common thing for new mothers. Your body is going through drastic hormonal changes which take a toll physically, mentally, and emotionally.

If this is true of you, don't take this as another reason to feel badly. You can't help this. Some women get it and others do not. The severity can also vary greatly. The good news is, there is a ton of help to be had. Your doctor can help you with everything from group therapy to medication, or even suggest ways you can cope daily until your hormone levels go back to normal. And they will. In rare cases, you may have complications, but most women are back to their happy selves soon.

I suggest this possibility first because if you do have PPD, there will be little your bf or family can do to pull you out of a funk. It possibly also may be to blame for your poor skin and hair health (both related to hormones) and your difficulty with quitting smoking.

Second, let me reassure you that, as someone who has had 3 babies, you can get your body back if you're willing to do the work. Your silhouette may be changed somewhat (eg. your breast size may change, your hips may be a little wider), but with exercise, you can have a toned body, tight tummy, etc. There are some people who have genetic or medical reasons why they cannot achieve this; however, many can.

Third, the problems with your boyfriend and his porn habit: is this something he was already doing before you had your baby? Try to remember - if he's been looking at it all along, were you okay with it before? If so, why? But if this is a new habit, then (a) it should be easier for him to walk away from it, and (b) he needs to man up and stop because it's hurtful to you.

You sound like a really smart girl - you acknowledge the work ahead of you (desire to quit smoking, desire to improve your situation, etc) and you've told someone (ie. us here!) that you have these negative feelings. Recognizing them for what they are truly is the first step. Wanting to find a solution is the second.

C'mon, girlfriend! You can do this! Be strong :)

*hugs*
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Ali de Bold
This isn't permanent on Oct 12, 2010 @ 08:58 am

First of all, I echo everything Mamaluv said. She's bang on. Make a visit to the Dr. an immediate priority.

Second, how you look and feel right now won't be forever. You just had a baby. You need to give yourself a break. You're probably exhausted and none of us look our best when we're sleep deprived. Like she said you can get your body back and when you've had more sleep, your looks too. The only new moms that look amazing immediately after giving birth are the fake ones on TV.

As for the boyfriend... if he knows how you feel about this he should stop. It's insensitive and disrespectful.
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jchang212
Mindset on Oct 12, 2010 @ 12:20 pm

Everyone has their body woes, even the top models of the world!

I've never had a flat stomach in my lifetime, and I've always been chubby. That really took a toll on me when I was younger. Bullies would call me "fatso" and aunties would call me "little chubby girl" in chinese. I struggled a lot of with my body image back then, and I still sometimes do today.

It'd be great to be able to love everything about yourself, but we're our own worst critic. Maybe try and pick out certain aspects about your body that you like: like how amazing your body is to have been able to carry a child and give birth to something so beautiful and healthy, or if you have long luscious eyelashes, or shapely lips. I used to look in the mirror and say "I'm beautiful" to myself repeatedly... It's something you really need to believe first before you can truly appreciate yourself.

Depression is something that's really serious that needs medical attention. I agree with what Mamaluv and Ali said before.

Take care!!
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takoda
Please see your Dr!!! on Oct 12, 2010 @ 02:10 pm

You really aren't alone in this!! Many of us that have had babies have gone through this to at one degree, or another. When I had my first I felt a lot like you do and even worse because I had to have a cesarean done and the incision became infected at the hospital. I was stuck there for ten days and still sick when I went home. I felt fat and ugly and having the infection didn't help any. I had to have my mom help me more then I was planing, witch also made me feel like a bad mother. I didn't get help and wish I did now! Those bad feeling about myself got so bad that I starved myself and was nothing but skin and bones with in six months of having my first son. That Xmas my family was in shock to see the sight of me and saw to it that I made the changes that I needed to make for myself and for those that love me. Please talk to your Dr as soon as you can because you don't have to be feeling this way, there is help out there for you. Just taking the step to talk to us about it is a good start, but remember none of us can do every thing all by our self's. Sometimes we need help and there's nothing wrong with asking for the help you need, nothing at all. Stay strong and let us know how you are doing.
We're here for you, big hugs!!
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Anonymous
A couple things.. on Dec 16, 2010 @ 01:57 pm

Women are a subconscious deep rooted symbol of life and all that good stuff that mom brought to the table. Your stretch marks don't make it thru his eye balls when he looks at you. All he will ever see is the beautiful woman he met that gave him a child. When you are 50, 60, 70 years old he will look at your body and see the same thing he saw when you were 20.

Your looks are going to fade whether you like it or not. Having said that.. you are 21. Choose to eat healthy, be active and your body will bounce right back. Who you are inside is the most important thing. Your personality, your friends and family.. those are what matter most about you. These are the things that you can fully control.. and own. These are the things that you should direct your thoughts towards.. Not your body.. and what others will think about it.

The cigarettes gotta stop. Do you want to be 45 years old dragging around an oxygen tank? Do you want receding gums and leathery skin and that old truck driver voice? Do you want portions of your body removed when the lung cancer sets in? I smoked so i know what you are going thru. My only advice is to avoid the programs and products and just stop buying them. Stop spending time with friends and family who smoke them. It is as simple as that.

About the porn. It has NOTHING to do with you. Men are hard wired to seek out nakedness and the internet has made it easy for them. He isn't thinking about the 'actress'. He isnt thinking about cheating. He is thinking about satisfying himself. It may seem crude or disgusting but there isn't anything we can do about it lol. There is no reason for you to be hurt by it. Disclaimer... Obviously there are limits. If he is watching porn at the breakfast table or on his phone while you are at the super market then maybe he needs some help.

Finally.. men are not good at listening to things they cant understand. He thinks you are beautiful. He has told you this. When you question what he knows to be true his mind draws a blank. He doesn't know how to respond and he isnt interested in hearing you out because as far as he is concerned there is no problem. Men look at everything as a solvable problem. Lawn needs to be mowed? I mow lawn. Out of butter and eggs? I go shopping. Girlfriend asks if i think shes pretty? I say she pretty. Problem solved equals no problem equals why the heck are we discussing it :). At some point your constant pushing of the topic becomes annoying and his temper grows shorter and shorter until he is the bad guy.

I am not justifying this behavoir or saying that other situations might be different.. i am just explaining it so that you understand he may not be intentionally ignoring you or avoiding the topic. While i agree/admit that some men are just insensitve jerks there are others who get lumped in with them unfairly. Women have a way of combining everything going on in the relationship as if its 1 uniqe battle front where all of the issues are somehow connected and need to be solved all at once. Men dont work that way. They see everything as an individual task or issue and they attempt to solve them 1 by 1.

Women will let little things slide here and there until they have a 10 item list of things they want changed/fixed. They hit their man with 10 item list and almost immediately he knocks 2 or 3 items off the list like putting the toilet seat down or not watching porn so often. Hes thinking "i am making progress" but the woman will keep attacking with the same level of force so the guy works extra hard and solves a few more problems but the attack continues. Women instinctively push forward in the battle and eventually the man gets worn down to where he feels like "no matter what i do she will start an argument when i get home so why bother going home". Eventually you just hate each other for no reason all because of a simple question that got asked and answered long long ago.

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jchang212
Wow on Dec 16, 2010 @ 02:10 pm

That's quite a response, Anon, and I agree with what you said.
Being 21 means you should be able to bounce back given the lifestyle choices you make. That goes for everyone, whether or not they've just had a baby.

Although guys are wired to seek out pleasure in that way, it's definitely something that they can control out of love and respect for their significant other, or even just morals. It take a lot of discipline and self-control, but it's completely possible. I hope your boyfriend will realize the damage he's doing to you and stop.

That being said, you also have to realize the damage you're doing to yourself with your mentality and smoking.

Self-control! You can do it! :)
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