Family stuff


Anonymous
on Sep 13, 2009 @ 06:23 pm

To give a bit of background...
my parents got divorced when I was pretty young. I have not spoken to my dad in probably four or five years, because of a lot of reasons that I won't get into here.
Ever since I stopped talking to him, my grandmother (my dad's mom), has been on my case about talking to him again. EVERY SINGLE TIME I see or talk to her on the phone, she harangues me about it. It got so bad at one point that I stopped speaking to and seeing her for a few months. She also constantly badmouths my mom, and has done so ever since my parents got divorced.

A few weeks ago, however, she said probably the worst thing she's ever said. My brother was visiting her one day and she said that my mom's boyfriend should be paying for my brother to go to university. How that's somehow his responsibility is beyond me, but okay. Then she said (paraphrasing here) "your mom is sleeping with him, he might as well pay for something."

After my brother told me that, I was FURIOUS. I'm completely fed up with her a) harassing me to talk to my dad when I've made it clear I don't want to and b) constantly insulting my mom, who I have a very good relationship with. I am so angry that I don't ever want to speak to my grandmother again. I'm feeling guilty about it though, even though I don't think that I should be. I guess I am feeling guilty because she's getting older and I don't know how much longer she'll be around for.

However, I am so angry with her for talking about my mom the way she does, and I know that's never going to change.

Is it ever okay to stop having a relationship with your grandparents? Or should you just suck it up and accept that some things (like their behaviour) will never change?

 


2 Replies


Ali de Bold
Can you tell her how you feel? on Sep 13, 2009 @ 08:54 pm

Here's the thing about Grandparents. They are set in their ways (good or bad), and it's near impossible for them to change. I think that's why most of us shy away from telling them how we really feel. That plus the guilt of them getting older.

However, that doesn't excuse what your grandmother is doing, and just because she is older doesn't mean she doesn't have a thing or two to learn.

Have you told her point blank that she needs to stop insulting your mother and forcing your Dad on you? Can you tell her that her behavior is so hurtful to you that you don't want to spend time with her unless she agrees to stop?

She probably won't change what she thinks but if she doesn't adjust her behavior I wouldn't blame you if you limited contact with her. My parents split up years ago too, but I would never let anyone talk smack about either of them.
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meredithk115
ohhhh boy..... on Sep 13, 2009 @ 10:16 pm

that sounds a bit similiar to what I went through with my grandparents...and my parents too. My parents got divorced when I was 17 and it went on for years and was bitter and ugly. My mother's parents are the only surviving grandparents and for awhile I couldn't stand my mother or my father....I still haven't spoken to my father and its been 18 years!

Anyway my grandmother is like yours-mouthy, doesn't give a d*mn who she hurts or offends. When my mother remarried, my grandmother was against it but held her tongue because of my grandfather. I would send an email once in awhile but I just felt that my mother and her parents were selfish and only consumed with themselves. I would call them up and it would end in a screaming match...after a bit I just stopped calling.

Last year on December 17th, my sister called me to tell me that my grandfather had died....I will never, ever forget that...I was completely heartbroken. I never got to tell him I was sorry for yelling all the time, never got to tell him I loved him...it just shook me to the core. I can't even write this without crying. The next day, I called my grandmother, mother, and her new husband and apologized for not talking to them and being so angry. I just decided from that point on that sometimes you can love someone and not like them.

Its really tough for me to listen to some of the things that my grandmother says sometimes but I also remember what she went through when she was younger (and it wasn't acceptable for a woman to be divorced let alone have a boyfriend) and when she lost my grandfather. What she is doing isn't right...but sometimes that's part of loving someone-you have to try to love all the parts.

Hopefully you can try to talk to her-that may help you 'release' some of the frustration and anger, but I don't see her changing anytime soon. Just do yourself a favor and don't stay angry forever because I promise you, you'll regret it.
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