on Dec 10, 2009 @ 02:44 pm

There are weddings plans on the way for me and because I am still a bit young and as a couple, we want to save. So, we are planning to renovate the upper level of my in-laws' house and stay with them until we feel we have enough to buy a new house

BUT.........already, i am sacrificing my dream of moving in and starting a new life together. He recently said he does not know if he wants to move out...WTF HOW ARE WE MEANT TO HAVE KIDS IN THE FREAKING UPSTAIRS OF A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it is spacious, but honestly, what happens to growing as a family?? I get the feeling he is lazy and wants to be dependent on his parents for less expenses.

I tried telling him four years at most i would stay with the parents,but he thinks that is too little.i can't believe it.we ended up screaming our heads off

His argument: i just want to move out and have a place of my own;i just want a house
My agrument: how do we grow, have our privacy and build a home of our own?

I end up crying everytime i bring this up to him cos he never listens

Will someone please help me get across to him? Btw i love his parents,i do not have any problems with them (touch wood). Yes our place is separate, but there are some issues that cant be separated by a level of flooring

5 Replies

Have a frank conversation with him... on Dec 11, 2009 @ 10:26 am

This may not be what you want to hear, but he doens't sound mature enough to be getting married, certainly not enough to start raising a family.

These would be huge red flags for me. These issues need to be hashed out before getting engaged and planning a are not going to be happy in this situation if this isn't what you want.

I think best thing really is to sit down and have a mature conversation about where he sees his life and your life in 2 years, 5 years, and 10 years down the road. He owes you at least a frank conversation about what he sees the future holding for you 2. If he isn't able to have a mature, frank conversation about this that is also a problem. He might also have some real fears about becoming a dad.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you guys?

Another point is that you also need to take into account the cost to riase children. Maybe there is no rush for you to guys to have kids yet until you can afford to stand on your own two feet?

another opinion on Dec 11, 2009 @ 07:39 pm

I second the opinion above saying that you need to sit down to figure things out before planning a wedding. I'd also recommend talking about life long things beside your living situation in that same conversation. It's better to make sure everyone is on the same page. Don't go into it to prove him wrong, but really listen to him because if you just end up in a fight then you're no further ahead.

If you're both young, maybe he's having a hard time transitioning into adult life. It can be scary at first getting your feet under yourselves so maybe he's shy about taking that first step in case it doesn't work out the way he wants. I felt nervous buying my first house too, but now I'm so proud that I made the decision.

Best of luck in the conversation!


on Dec 13, 2009 @ 03:50 pm

Look around you and take note of reality. Is he putting money away right now? Is he taking advantage of living with his parents and saving every penny? Or is he living pay check to paycheck without a cent to his name? What you see today is what you will see tomorrow and the next day and a week from now and in 4 years.

Moving in with his family is a crutch that he will lean on forever if given the chance. You will wake up 10 years from now and wonder what the hell happened. It wont just be him who is stuck on "billy and his little girlfriend living upstairs". You will be right there with him.

And what do his parents have to say about this? Dont they want to finally be rid of the kids so they can enjoy some privacy? You don't want to become the 'reason' for their unhappiness. Sure.. they might not express it now but trust me you will be the easy target when everyone needs someone to blame for the frustration of sharing a house.

You can forget about having friends over for parties you can forget about walking around the house in a bathrobe or less. You can forget about choosing to have pets or not etc etc. Your decision making abilities are limited when you live in someone elses house even if you are paying 'rent'.

If he wont grow up drop him like a bad habit (because thats what he is) and find a real man.

Ali de Bold
Long term plans to live with inlaws = not the best idea on Dec 14, 2009 @ 03:50 pm

I think a short term stint with the in laws is just fine, but to plan to live with them indefinitely will be really tough for your relationship. Even if they are the greatest, you need your own time as a couple. I'd never agree to those plans.

Also, if you think you are too young to get married, that is a warning bell you should listen to. Why do you need to rush?

the voice of dissent... sort of on Dec 14, 2009 @ 04:58 pm

I'm going to go out on a limb for a sec, with a Huge Qualifier.

There need be nothing wrong with living with parents for a time. I know this because early in my marriage we lived in my in-laws' basement suite for 1 1/2 years. Then, after relocating back to my hometown after a period away overseas, we moved in with my folks for a few months while we house hunted. There we only had our own bedroom, not even a suite. I know of many other couples who have lived with parents for up to a few years without major catastrophe.

It takes a large amount of respect, self control, and healthy boundaries to make this successful. But the payoff can be: major cost savings, an easy baby- or petsitter (if that is needed), security of knowing your neighbours and neighbourhood, and the benefit of spending quality time with family - yes, it can be "quality" ;)

I don't think it's unreasonable to plan to live in a separate suite for a distinct period of time. I think it can be unreasonable to not agree on what that length of time should be. This is something you both need to formally agree to and methodically work toward your eventual moving-out goal - setting aside a pre-arranged sum of money each month into a downpayment fund, for example.

I think even in the case of your age that living with parents is not so horrible. Whether you are old enough/mature enough for a lifelong commitment of marriage should be the major question here, not if you can stand living with his parents. One is a simple matter to resolve; the other is messy (and yes, the "simple one" is living with family).

This is a thorny question because it's fairly uncommon in this part of the world. When I lived in Europe with my husband for several years, many of our extended family there got their start living in the extra suite upstairs/in the basement of their childhood home. And when they moved out, Grandma & Grandpa or Great-aunt Tillie moved in. Living with family is not necessarily a terrible idea. But there are rules that are inviolate:

(1) Be in agreement with the terms of your arrangement with your fiance

Length of stay (and be prepared to allow for limited but defined flexibility), personal boundaries with his folks and the pair of you, being clear that in cases of disagreement the marriage comes first (he should not publicly side with your parents; if he disagrees with you, he should bring that up in private - you two against the world, right?), and an exit strategy if things don't work out.

(2) Formalize an agreement with the in-laws

Length of stay, house rules (on both sides) for everything from shared yardwork to out-of-town visitors, rent and your landlord/lessee agreement (who pays if the plumbing backs up? Can you paint your suite? etc), determining a structure for working out conflict (proper and respectful meetings when situations arise, no gossip with other family members whose business this is NOT), etc.

(3) Have a plan for the future

The plan can change. My life is proof of that. But you must have an overall plan and goal. Always keep that in mind and use it to determine every next step.

I could talk about this until the cows come home. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that, I don't know if moving in with your in-laws is the major problem here. I'm more concerned about the fact that you and fiance are not communicating about what you want for the future. That should be your focus; everything else is really just details.

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