Has anyone gone through or felt like this? HELP

on Jul 01, 2014 @ 01:02 am

Okay Lord knows  the man I'm with is not the nicest person in the world.
We have been through 5 years of hell and happiness.
I don't know when you can honestly tell if its over or it just happens.
All my family told me in the begining it wasnt going to work because
he didnt have a job, he was going through a divorce and had a child.

He hasnt worked in two years and it has taken a terrible strain on our well being and my health issues to have to work for two.
I work and see nothing from it. He makes me feel bad because he says his military dissability pays our rent but its not much at all.
And he has not left the house except to go to the store.
Every time i just want to see my friends he always threatens me
but never actually done anything to physically hurt me.
But I dont like that he shows up mad leaving me nasty voice mails. It scares me and my friends
And most of my friends have small children who could easily be frightened by him if he did actually try to get inside there house so I have to pretend that everything is fine and wait out in the street for him so that their family cant see my embarrassment and how much he scares me.

His own mother told me to be careful he is manipulative and will hurt me.
I don't know if he manipulates me to make me feel guilty or I am the bad person.

He is not oblivious to how distant I've become, we can fight so hard then a switch will flip in his head and will be so sweet I will feel horrible and feel sorry for him.
Then the next day we start it all over again.

And the past year every friend I've made hates him and I have
not only lost but pushed some away because I felt they were horribly wrong.
But for the past few months I cant help but think that everyone was right.
I cant find it in my heart to just leave but I know it is a bad relationship.
Am I just comfortable? Am I scared of him? Am I scared for him?
I love his daughter is that another reason I cant just go?
There is so much pain in his daughters life because of both of her parents but she is not my child, but I've been in her life since she was 2.

Why is it so hard to leave? Am I being selfish for thinking of this?
We got together so fast and had so much serious things happen in our beginning I felt made us stronger. But lately as I look back it was a horrible experience. We literally lost everything and everyone.

We have been through too much.  I cant help but want to leave because of what we become but I can honestly say  I dont think he can be with out me because he has no one to care for him.

I don't know if my friends are pressuring me to leave like he tells me or he has me so confused I cant think for myself.

Has anyone had this problem?
Does anyone have advice?
I'm so lost and confused

5 Replies

Tough on Jul 01, 2014 @ 02:13 pm

It sounds as if in your heart you know it's an unhealthy relationship and that you are being mistreated.

I understand that regardless of how poorly someone may treat you, if you love them, it's hard to walk away, and instead easier to make excuses or second guess yourself. But honestly, while you may feel as if you will lose too much right now, if you do walk away, you'll come to realize how much you lost being in a relationship like that for so long. I was in a somewhat manipulative relationship for a year and a half. Whilst I was in the relationship, it was hard for me to realize what was really going on and that I was being victimized. It was through the help of my friends and family that I came to clearly see how unhealthy of a situation I was in. This seems to be the point you are at now. Take advantage of all the help, and just try to see it how those who are concerned for you see it. Just consider their perspective, words and concerns. Think about if it were someone else... whatever you need to do to take a good look at the situation without your emotions.

Go to your friends and family for help and support. They know of his behaviour and will support you as you make the necessary steps to better yourself. You've listened to his perspective of them, now consider the other side. Listen to those who are genuinely worried for you. Don't feel guilty or allow yourself to be made out to be the bad guy. You need to look out for YOU and your mental and physical health.

This is tough and it is not going to get easier quickly. You're going to feel heartbroken and sad for awhile. You may have doubts and want to go back, or have moments where you feel as if you were the guilty one. Just go through it all, allow the experience to strengthen you and learn from your situation. You sound like a caring and hard-working person and you deserve to feel happy and respected for who you are and what you do.

Has anyone gone through this on Jul 02, 2014 @ 06:22 am

My Heart is heavy for you because,you seem like a very nice person.You never mentioned why you don't have a child together or if they both share child custody.It seems to me that he is really dragging you down,you sound so lost and hurt.I think you love him very much and that is why you won't leave him.Common sense tells me that you can't go on trying to live like this,it's not physical abuse but mentally.You also said he's home all the time and isn't working,which he should be doing.I f I were in your shoes,I would go to counselling the both of us and get to the bottom of what's wrong and what's right.There is a lot going on there so,maybe if you guts talk to someone who understands these situations,maybe it would be the best route to take.I wish you luck,and take care.

You alone hold the choice on Jul 02, 2014 @ 11:13 am

People can give you advice, but it is not for anyone else to say whether you should stay or go. That is on you and you only.
Only you can decide if it is worth the long haul.

Reading your message, it seems as if you already made your mind up. Don't let guilt hold you back from doing what you think is right.

Best of luck and god bless.

Sorry for your pain! on Jul 02, 2014 @ 12:02 pm

This is such a sad story and I really feel for you! I agree with the others who have commented that it sure sounds like you know what you need to do but are scared to follow through.

I can certainly understand your desire to be there for his daughter. Any child in a volatile situation deserves a better life and if you are close to her I definitely understand why you'd want to be there to protect her. Where are her grandparents in all of this? It sounds like your BF's mom is aware to some extent that her son is not in the right mindset for his current situation.

I also wonder if your man has gotten any help. You say he's on military disability. Was he injured (physically or mentally like PTSD) on duty? Surely there is some help available there? I know the military system has flaws but maybe there are things that can be done.

Either way, he's not going to get better on his own or simply for your sake - he is probably not capable of it at this point! It sounds like he needs proper professional help (counselling or whatever). Your relationship is not going to improve with time without this help. If anything, eventually something even worse will happen and you may regret not having gotten out sooner.

Best of luck to you! My heart goes out to his daughter too.

I've been in this situation but without the kids. on Jul 02, 2014 @ 10:53 pm

And all I can say is run. Its a bad situation that will only get worse. Don't sacrifice your life and happiness for someone because they can't take care of themselves. He's a grown adult. This isn't your problem. He sounds like a miserable person that will never be happy, so get your shit and leave.

I've been in exactly this situation and I am SOOO happy I left. Best decision I ever made.

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