he lied, but am i over reacting?

on May 03, 2010 @ 03:40 pm

My fiance and I were on our way to the movies. He receives a text message from his cousing saying what's going on with C.M.? I ask him what does she mean? He said I don't know I'm going to text her asking her what she means and she probably meant to send that text to someone else. He receives a text back saying oh ok, so I using common sense come to the conclusion that there is more to this, I just feel it in my gut. I question him and he says I have no idea what she's referring to. The whole drive to the theather he can tell that this is bothering me. He even gets a little bit of an attitude and says so what do you want to do? I said I was under the impression that we were going to see a movie. He says and what about after? I get annoyed because I'm upset and say I don't care, he says I see this is going to be a good day. During the whole movie I can't have a good time because I just know something is up. After the movie he asks so why the pissy mood? I say well I think there is more to that text message that you're not telling and if that's the case I don't want to be engaged to someone who can look me in the face and lie to me. He ends up telling me that his cousin was referring to an email that his ex girlfriend had sent him. I said so not only did you not tell me first, but you lied right to my face when I asked you. He said I didn't want to argue and I was trying to find the right time to bring it up. I said don't you think if I can tell you're lying and i'm obviously upset because of it that would be the right time to tell me? Do you think that lying about it right to my face wouldn't start an argument? He said I wanted to wait and read it with you. His ex sent it to an old myspace account that he had and I know he read it without me, because he logged in that day. I broke up with him and said some mean things, I am very hurt. He hasn't called or texted me since I got out of his car. Now I'm stuck here hurt upset and wondering what that email said. Did I over react? What is going on here?

9 Replies

Myspace account on May 03, 2010 @ 04:25 pm

If that Myspace account would be old as in him not using it no more why would he still have it...? You have the option of deleting the account if you don't use Myspace no more, like you said "an old myspace account that he had". Sorry but it's obvious he still uses that account and it looks like to check for her messages, that's what it looks like to me. On the other hand if she wouldn't be of no interest to him no more and or if there's wasn't nothing going on there why would he tell his cousin first instead of telling or showing you the message? How important was that message that he had to bring another person in this instead of you his partner. Why would he have a conversation like he did with his cousin over that message the ex sent him instead of with you..who he had a relationship with and was going to get married with..? If he wouldn't had thought much about that message he would've told you right away not someone else and ignore it.

Sorry and good luck.

thanks.. on May 03, 2010 @ 04:33 pm

thanks, that's exactly what i was thinking about. Feels good that other people see it that way and not just me. I thought I might have been over reacting

More to it than meets the eye? on May 03, 2010 @ 04:54 pm

Breaking up over a text message does sound a bit much, but I'm wondering if there's more than what meets the eye? Do you have trust issues with him from before that made you suspicious over the sms? He was able to tell a friend about the email from the ex but not you, that in my opinion is also not a good sign (he should be able to share all with you, no?). Maybe he knows you're going to over react? Or maybe he's guilty minded and doesn't want to tell you? Also his reaction to you in the car looks like you've traveled down this road before...? You're engaged!! This should be the happiest most exciting time of your life, leaving no room for suspicions or hard feelings and certainly no huge fights.

Albeit I'm a cynic and very picky and hard on guys but I am a staunch believer of "better safe than sorry".

My only piece of advise is, just give each other time to cool off and since he is the one that lied to you, I would say let him contact you first (that way you don't teach him the "she's mad now but she'll come crawling later" lesson). Then sit and talk to each other and try to figure out where all this is stemming from.

I know life isn't perfect and relationship is about compromise, but you
have to understand in yourself what you can and absolutely can't live
with and stick to it. Identify what you can't live with, make it clear
and stick to it. If one of those things is you can't stand someone who
can live straight to your face, then you've made it clear, now stick to
it. What you absolutely cannot live with, cannot be compromised. Simple.

And when you feel yourself reaching for the phone first, remind yourself, you don't want someone who can look you in the eye and lie to your face. And you certainly don't want that although you showed anger initially, you will go back to him after your anger subsides, thus impressing on him that he can get away with a lot simply because to you your relationship means more and you will come back.

Best of luck!!!!

he still hasn't called or texted.. on May 04, 2010 @ 03:05 pm

We got into this argument on sunday and it is now tuesday and he hasn't called or texted to apologize or explain or anything. So I'm basically sitting here crying my eyes out not knowing what that letter said and hurt that i don't even mean enough to him that he would call me. So im left here to figure out for myself the truth. Which i believe is he doesnt care about me because he lied it was so easy for him to lie to me. Im hurting so bad right now and i just know it's going to be a long time before im ok again

Ali de Bold
Are you sure you are ready to get married? on May 04, 2010 @ 03:25 pm

Regardless of who is in the right or wrong here it is troubling that you two are planning to walk down the isle with these kinds of issues. Marriage doesn't fix your problems, it will only magnify them. If the relationship isn't stable before you make the commitment imagine how much worse it is when you are 'stuck' with each other.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge advocate of marriage - under the right conditions. The person you marry should build you up, and you him. It's the two of you against the world. Being with each other should make you better, happier people. If that isn't what's happening while you are engaged, there is no reason for you to believe it will change once you are married.

I wouldn't focus on what the text message did or didn't say. Focus on answering for yourself if this is the kind of relationship that you want to commit to for life with kids, etc.

my two cents on May 04, 2010 @ 03:58 pm

First and foremost, I agree with Ali's comments. Marriage should not be a solution - it is a celebration and commitment of something good and solid and right. You need to carefully evaluate if this problem you are experiencing is an exception to your otherwise great relationship, or a symptom of a difficult partnership that will not necessarily improve with time.

Have you two been under more stress than usual? Is this pre-wedding jitters... or is it something that's been brewing for a long time (maybe even all along) and is finally emerging now?

Let's assume for a moment that your relationship is otherwise a really good one. Here's where I'm going to say something outrageous and other posters may disagree, but I want to play the devil's advocate for a second.

My husband has kept things from me too. One time in particular it was some borderline inappropriate texts from a female coworker. He was planning to tell me eventually but since he didn't do it immediately after it happened, the timing became worse and worse (white lies do not age as well as fine wine, you know!). By the time I found out, it had been several weeks.

His defense? The text itself was "nothing" (and that's true, it was just some overshare on her part that was weird for me as his wife - I don't want another woman confiding in my husband without my knowledge) and I would have "taken it the wrong way". Well, I sure as heck took it the wrong way because he hid it.

However, I do understand why he did. I would have overreacted. I would have been hurt, and unnecessarily too since he didn't cheat with her - not even close. And yet, the secrecy was for me the worst of it all, not the actual text.

We had a huge talk about this, and as far as I know it never happened again. The woman has moved on and found another shoulder to cry on. I'm confident this is behind us and our relationship is in great shape.

I guess what I'm saying is that his actions might not be a deal-breaker, but that is only something you can decide. You know what you will accept and what is a no-fly zone.

Sorry to hear you are in such pain about this. We all wish you a satisfactory conclusion, whichever one it is. You have the luxury of working this out now, before your wedding. How much worse it would be if this came out after the ceremony!

thanks... on May 04, 2010 @ 04:11 pm

yes there have been other things that have happened, not just this. I guess i was just trying to act like everything was alright and this was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back. How do I get over this? how do i move on?

a breakover! on May 04, 2010 @ 05:58 pm

Start fresh, a makeover always makes us feel better. You won't feel any better if you cry every day. Do things/activities that you like and will take your mind off the ex. Treat yourself doing whatever you love to do. Hope it helps.


Good luck.

Personally, I'd be upset too, because............ on May 07, 2010 @ 02:18 pm

he initially lied about it. If nothing was going on, why lie? And why did he tell somebody else about it and not you? Especially if nothing was going on? That sounds to me like he told his cousin to ask her advice in regards to what he should do. To which of course, if he is dead serious about marrying you and he respects you, there should be no question.

I know that I sometimes have guys I know from my past try and contact me. Rather than not tell my husband for fear of him being, jealous/upset/whatever, I show him the messages right away and then just send a message back to the guy stating I'm married, happily, and am not interested in communicating with them any further. I also let my husband see exactly what I'm sending to the person.

I do this not because I fear my husband, but because I respect him. I would expect him to be equally as honest with me and let me know if anybody from his past was trying to get together with him again as well. I also do it because if anything EVER comes up in the future, such as some jealous guy from my past trying to stir up the sh1t between my husband and myself, I never want him to question whether or not I'm 100% honest with him. It's stupid to let something like that come between a couple if you really love that person and have every intention of staying with them.

You yourself said that you were questioning certain aspects about your relationship, so this might be exactly what you need to show you that marrying him would be a mistake. Sometimes these things happen just in time, in order to save us from making a huge mistake which will have a serious, negative, long-term impact on our lives. Personally, I'd prefer to know BEFORE I make the mistake, rather than later.

As to a 'makeover' being the answer to getting over this, that seems kind of simplistic. Yes, looking good can make us feel better. For a little while. But it certainly doesn't fix what's wrong inside. If you're up for it, get some counseling to figure out how to keep making the same mistake in a future relationship. Or even better, get involved in a healing network. There are many groups out there that focus on emotional and spiritual healing. I've attended some in the past and have found them to be extremely helpful. And yes, they did help me get through and over what I was going through at the time.

If you don't do something for yourself in the way of healing your hurt, you're going to carry that lack of trust, etc into your next relationship. Which can be very destructive.

Good luck :-)


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