He says he doesnt love me.. But loves me..


CassLemon
on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:03 am

My boyfriend ( Or im not sure right now) and I have been together for almost 3 years. 

We had been threw alot together, I have a rare leg disability thou I can walk/run/dance etc. the bones on my right side are alittle shorter and a bit deformed in the foot. So he has been there the entire way threw all of my surgeries, physio, recovery and its only proven to me how much he means and how much I love him.

He is kind, considerate,  and my best friend.

After work yesturday I went over to his house, I ended up getting there alittle early. He was still on his way home from work. So i waited everything was good, we relaxed and where cuddling... till all of a sudden, He starts balling his eyes out. And this has been happening for 3 days now so I'm asking him. " Whats wrong? Please tell me?" Pratically begging him,

He looks at me and says " I dont want to tell you..." and this went on for a while till he finially said " I woke up three days ago... and... I didn't feel any love for you. I felt nothing."

Being shocked, and heartbroken i asked him " do you know why? did i do something?" and he said "no" I asked "so this is it? after three years we are done because you dont love me anymore.." but he said "No i do love you, I know i love you"

Does that make sence to ANYONE?

I ended up leaving his house.. and was walking home when he came running after me begging me to take him back. We talked for a good 4 hours.. and I told him I'd think about it.

I need some advice here... wtf just happened? He is all over the place. I love you, I dont love you, I need you, I think we need time apart.. Im so torn up I can't think about anything...

My heart is telling me to take him back... He is my first and only love.. I dont want to let him go.. But my mind is saying if he doesnt know now.. he may leave later.

What should I do?
 

15 Replies


jskim07
EH? on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:15 am

Boys are so confusing..and they say we're complicated!
I'm one of those "leave when you see the first sign of things getting tough" girls.
You are so much stronger and independent than him! You don't need a guy to assure the fact that you are awesome :).
In my opinion, you can never really trust a guy. Their mind parts work so different from us (minus a few irregulars here and there, who happen to be AMAZING boyfriends/husbands)

In the meantime, I wish you all the best, and stock up on that chocolate! God knows how much help that will be :).
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beachbabe
Some time apart on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:16 am

I give you this advice because I've been in a somewhat similar position as your boyfriend. I dated a guy for 2 years and then it was sort of like all of a sudden, out of nowhere (sort of, it's a long story!), it just occurred to me that I couldn't see myself spending my life with him. Now I had alot of time, etc invested in him so it was hard for me to really imagine not being with him though I felt it's what needed to be done. It took about a month or two for him to understand what I was telling him - that we needed to break up. Again, it can be hard when you have been with someone for so long because you have spent so much time together.

So what I'm saying is this. He may be feeling that something is just not right. But because he still does care for you and has been with you for so long, he wants it to work and to still feel that he loves you and that's where this back and forth "I love you" is coming from. It is so hard to end a relationship (or anything for that matter) that you have memories, laughs, cries, etc in. No matter what the case.

That said, I think the best thing you can do is take some time away from each other to evaluate both of your feelings for each other and your relationship. It'll give you a chance to see why you both want (or don't want) to be in the relationship. It'll either bring you even closer together, or you will decide to part ways. Either way, you can't lose if you let what's meant to be be.

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jskim07
Scratch what I said before, I agree with Becky on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:24 am

I went through something similar to you @Becky, but I ended up runnig back to him four months later, begging for him back. Thankfully he did.

Maybe a break is all you need to...basically do exactly what Becky is saying.
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Ali de Bold
You did the right thing on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:24 am

Good for you for telling him you'd think about it and not just automatically taking him back. My friend's husband did the exact same thing to her years ago when they were dating. He came over to her house and said he didn't feel the same way anymore and wanted to breakup. Though her heart was broken, she told him, "If you don't love me anymore I want you to leave right now." He left and she was devastated. She didn't contact him or respond to his attempts to reach her. A few days later, he was begging to get her back and he ended up proposing.

It sounds like your guy is going through some confusion and you should give him space. You are right to be concerned that if you take him back too quickly it could happen again. Let him stew on it and let him worry he won't be able to win you back. Then when he does come back, it will be for good and it will be because he realizes how much he loves you after all. When he does that, you need to determine how serious he is about the relationship. Is he looking for a future with you? 3 years is more than enough time to figure that out.

Obviously there is no guarantee this is how it's going to play out, but based on how he has reacted already, I think there is a strong chance.

Good for you for knowing your worth and standing up for yourself! Be strong.
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mamaluv
agree on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:37 am

I agree with what others have said. This is not an unusual thing, though I'm sure it's so very hard for you right now. In a way I give him props for trying to stay committed when he's having a crisis of the heart.

This is like in marriage - sometimes you just aren't feeling it and wonder if you should walk away. Most of the time, couples find a way to work through the apathy and come back to love each other even more. They do the work because when you're married, you understand that you can't give up as quickly as in a dating relationship.

I mention this because it's important for you to realize that we have all been there. We love because we know we should, we know that the person we're with is worth it. But our hearts take little vacations and we don't feel "in love" for a period of time.

That's what the others are also saying here - that some time apart might help your BF to realize that what he's feeling is shortlived, cold feet if you will. You've been together for 3 years which is a very long time.

I have heard it said that there are certain times when married folks experience downturns in their relationships (outside of financial stress, health issues, etc - I'm talking now about seemingly random blahness), and in my life it has been true too.

- 1000 days (which works out to just under 3 years)
- "7 Year Itch"
- "20 Year Plan" or "Freedom 55" (this often coincides with a midlife crisis)

You guys are at 1000 days. He's probably thinking it's about time to go ahead and get married or go your separate ways. Maybe you are thinking this too. In any case, what I want to tell you is that his feelings are probably really conflicted, he probably has no idea why he feels this way, and some time apart will clarify things for both of you. I'm sure he both loves you and doesn't love you because he's so confused.

Give him time. Give you time! I'm a big believer in "if it's meant to be..." So cliche but so often it's true.

*hugs*
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CassLemon
Thank you! on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:46 am

The thing is, we are only just adults. I turned 18 a few months ago. So now isnt the time to get married or even think about it. There is way to much to do still.

I agree with all of your opinions and he has been texting me all day today... its been really hard not respond and i admit i have responded a few times but not once calling him love, darling, baby.. etc. Only by his name.. and he is begging me to let him come over tonight.. but I dont want to go to fast, Im still really hurt and confused by his words.
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Ali de Bold
So mature on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:49 am

It's funny, based on what you wrote I assumed you were older. You have a very mature perspective on the situation.

You're right that it's too early to talk marriage. Still you should trust your gut if you need more time. Just tell him that his words really hurt and you need some time to process and decide what to do next. Tell him you want to be with someone who is sure he loves you and you are not ready to talk at this time.

Be strong and big hugs!
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mamaluv
that makes even more sense then... on Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:59 am

I agree with Ali - your post made me think you were older too!

Now that I know your age, this makes even more sense to me. You both are at a big crossroads, deciding what to do with your life and to a degree still finding out who you are as a person. I know tons of couples who dated all the way through HS and then broke up sometime during the first year out of school. I also know quite a few that found their way back together again, or managed the jump from HS to Afterward without a breakup in between.

Ali's absolutely right that you should be with someone who's sure about where your relationship is headed. At the same time, I think you should both cut each other some slack, including the time apart, to figure out what you really want from this life.

You are in a time-limited frame right now where the possibilities are wide open. Soon you'll be studying or in a career and life will start to shape around you. Some would even say constrict, though I choose to see this as a good thing. You will become defined to a degree by your job, by your marriage, by your kids.

Right now you are not. Take your time in deciding what you want. Take time for him to sort out his feelings because you don't want to be the "safe choice", you want to be the right and only choice for him. Let him fall in love with you all over again, or spread your wings and see what possibilities are open to you.

Okay, enough with the cheese :) Stay strong!
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CassLemon
Your right. on Jul 20, 2011 @ 12:14 pm

Thank you so much for all of your words. With my childhood and teen life dealing with my surgeries and my home life it caused me to mature alot faster. I haven't thought about just me in forever.. Im always making sure everyone is happier before myself and its something im tryin to remember that Im important to be happy as well.

I'm going to do as you have advised me to do because it feels like the right option even thou I was pretty sure it was already. You have just confirmed my thoughts.

I hope this turns out well because i was planning on spending my life with him. But we will see how this works out.
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GlamGal
???? on Jul 20, 2011 @ 12:34 pm

Personally I don't think you just wake up one day and stop loving someone. That is such a weird thing to say to someone....maybe it is cold-feet!?
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