He slept with a girl a week after we broke up...I still love him...


shatteredheart
on Aug 01, 2009 @ 12:53 am

My boyfriend of two years and I were having problems...We have had problems on and off our entire two years, but he's my first love. He's the first man I've done everything with, from kissing to making love. That's something that makes a very large impression on one's heart.
We had been getting into arguments quite frequently over silly little things after a long period of bliss. One problem in particular was that I had started talking to a guy I nearly left him for in the past, due to all of our problems. I had stopped talking to this particular fellow, we'll call him Peter, after my then-boyfriend, we'll call him Jon, found out about the whole situation. It was basically an "it's him or me" situation, which normally I don't put up with but I didn't find Peter to be worth it to me to lose Jon, so I gave up speaking to him...It hurt, but Peter wasn't the man I thought he was, and Jon turned out to be more of a man than I thought in the end, and he was worth it...At any rate, it had been months since I last spoke to Peter, but then I ran into him one day at my new job and it got me wondering (worrying, really) if I'd be running into him frequently. I didn't want to face him on a daily basis, and I really didn't want to be paranoid about it...So I sent him a message on facebook, asking him what he had been doing there.
We had a friendly but brief discussion back and forth about it, and I didn't think too much of it. Two days after that, Jon came to me, livid, and asked me if I was hiding something from me. I was half asleep (he woke me up early in the morning) at the time, so I didn't really understand what was going on. I tried to figure out what I could possibly be hiding from him, when eventually it dawned on me that I hadn't thought to tell him about talking to Peter right away. I asked if that was it, and he angrily admitted I was right...He logged into my facebook and read the messages. (He asked the day before if he could log in to my facebook and I said yes, because I didn't have anything worth hiding. I didn't even believe this to be something that needed hiding, but I just never thought of it enough to tell him about it).
I apologized and told him that I never thought it would mean so much to him, and proceded to tell Peter that I wasn't thinking about how badly it would upset Jon to have us talking again, so I had to end our friendly terms once again...I told Jon about this to ease his mind, but it wasn't good enough...Soon enough, we were arguing about it again. I told him that I let go of Peter because he wasn't worth our relationship. Jon suggested we take a break...I was upset and told Jon that it appeared that he believed Peter was worth losing our relationship. It hurt me that he wanted a break over something I thought was in our past, and that it felt like he still didn't trust me...I asked what more I could do to make him trust me, what more I could do to make it better...He said he didn't know. So I said we should just break up, then, if things couldn't be made better...He agreed...
That night, I had 55 missed calls between 1am and 5am...I called him to make sure he was okay, and he begged me to take him back...I had spent hours crying, and told him I wasn't prepared to make that decision yet...I wanted more time before I went through that pain again...I asked him to wait for me to make a decision...

6 days went by and he told me he was going to go out drinking with his best friend, who we'll call Paul. I asked him not to do anything silly, and to be safe...We were supposed to hang out the next day.
I went over the next day and picked him up...It was the first time we'd seen each other since we broke up...I asked how things went, and he said he had fun "he guessed"...I asked how drunk he got, and he said that he "still had his wits about him". I asked if he slept with anyone, he said no. I asked if he stayed at Paul's place, he said yes. (I asked a lot more questions because he's not very big on conversation, so in order to get anything I have to ask for details...Plus I know he likes it when I act like a jealous girlfriend and ask all kinds of questions, he says it makes him feel like I love him more...I just like to make him happy, so I play the game lol...) So while we were talking, we were laying on his bed...Eventually, we kept getting closer and closer...We wound up making out...Then we decided to go out and get dinner. We just got take-out and we were sitting out in my car talking when I decided it was late so I should go home...He started asking if I would ever sleep with someone else if I got drunk. I said no (which is the truth, I can't imagine sleeping with someone I don't have feelings for). He asked if we broke up and he dated someone else for a while if I'd still take him back some day. I said it'd be hard, because I'd love him but I'd know he shared something that only he and I have shared before with someone else...(We were both each others' firsts)...He then started to cry, and said we'd never be together again. I hugged him and asked what was wrong, and he just kept saying we'd never be together...I asked if he slept with someone, and he just nodded and cried harder...I felt sick, but wanted to comfort him...I asked who...And it was a girl we nearly broke up over a long time ago...A girl who I knew was after him since we first started seeing each other...He's been very open about it, answering everything and anything I can ask...He said he invited her to go out drinking...He said they were both drunk...He told her it was a mistake the next morning...He said she asked him to go home with her, not the other way around...He said it meant nothing, and he regrets every minute of it. He refuses to talk to her now, because I'm still talking to him. He says it's his choice, but I think it's to make me less likely to give up my reasoning for continuing to talk to him...

My problem is that I'm hurt beyond repair. I've tried to keep things together with him, but every time he touches me, or kisses me, or tries anything with me...I think of how it was when he did that with her...I can't get it out of my mind...I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of it...I have nightmares about it...And he knows all of that. He's been trying to comfort me, and he's being patient with me, but my whole family hates him now, all of my friends hate him, and it upsets him that he's been outcasted so horribly...I try to tell him that it's because he's hurt me so bad, and he understands that, but he just wants them to come around quicker...He wants to be with me, but I don't want him to put up with all of the hatred from everyone, and I don't want him to have to deal with seeing the pain he's inflicted upon me...I love him and don't want him to hurt more than he already does...I know he regrets it...But what do I do?
I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over what he's done to me. He knew I was still in love with him, and he said he still loved(loves) me, but then how could he sleep with another girl? Espcially after begging me all week to take him back, then go and do this the day before we were to see each other? Especially after saying he still had his wits about him, so he clearly knew what he was doing?
What do I do?
Any thoughts?
Thanks for taking the time to read my novel...I just don't know what to do anymore...It was July 19th when he told me...(And it didn't help that my birthday is the 20th...Worst birthday EVER...) and it feels like it's been an eternity, even though I know it hasn't...Please help!!
 


8 Replies


legz99
that's painful ... on Aug 01, 2009 @ 12:50 pm

I am almost speechless . ALMOST . The one thing that stood out to me was that you said you don't want him to deal with seeing the pain he has caused you ....Dam right he should deal with it !!! You said don't want him to hurt more than he already is ... Well he should Hurt !! He should get down on his knees and gain your trust back - if that is even possible. The pain seems unbearable . I have been there . Sleepless and sick to your stomach . Me too . Very normal .

Does this guy regret it ? Only he REALLY knows that. But , will YOU regret taking him back after the ultimate betrayal . Maybe it will work out for you but give it more time. Take time away from him . Heal - and stay close to your girlfriends.
Sorry for the pain - Good Luck
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Anonymous
how awful on Aug 02, 2009 @ 09:30 am

Gosh girl . That guy sucks #$@*! . What an awful thing to do to another person. Dirty DOG !!! Hopefully you do NOT talk to that dude again. The drunk excuse huh ? A real man would not take a woman that way anyways.
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Anonymous
first love on Aug 02, 2009 @ 09:43 am

I agree with legz99 . Why should you even consider his feelings . He did not consider yours for a second . Sorry to be harsh , but let's face it . The booze and a piece of ass were all that was on his filthy mind that night. Maybe now he will see how much YOU mean to him and that going with other girlz is not what he wants/needs.First loves are unforgettable . He will Never forget you . Hope you find peace.
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Ali de Bold
Take some space on Aug 02, 2009 @ 04:00 pm

Shatteredheart, I really feel for you. The fact that he was your first really complicates things because I think in any other circumstance you would just end the relationship and move on. It's not that easy when he's your first love, but it might be the best thing to do.

A few things struck me here:

1. The relationship has been rocky for most of the two years you've been together... which means it will always be rocky.

2. There are some maturity issues at play. If you really love someone, you don't go off and sleep with someone else 6 days post break-up - especially if you are still communicating with each other, still want to be together, and have plans to meet up the next day. It just doesn't make sense.

His need for you to play the jealous girlfriend for him to feel loved is not healthy.

3. There don't appear to be any boundaries here. 55 calls between 1am and 5am is not cool under any circumstance.

I think you should take some space and think about what kind of life you want to have. It doesn't sound like this relationship is working out for either of you and an unhealthy relationship affects multiple areas of your life including career, friends, family. Even exploring your own interests and what makes you you. You become too caught up in the daily drama of your relationship to focus on anything else.
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TigerLilly
I agree with misschickie on Aug 03, 2009 @ 07:33 pm

Reading your post, even before the break-up and him sleeping with someone else incident, things seemed pretty rough which is a good indication that something is wrong with your relationship in the first place. Whether one or both of you have issues to work through together or separately, I don't know. But I think it's definitely a sign that it's not working out.

I also agree with misschickie's 2nd point. If you love someone you probably wouldn't go sleep with someone else right afterwards although he did say it didn't mean anything. But you guys broke up and he has the right to sleep with whoever he wants since you guys aren't together.

Then there are other signs. Almost breaking up over at least one other guy and one other girl and who knows how many others? He logged into your Facebook and going through your personal stuff (although you gave him permission so maybe that's ok). Calling you obsessively.

From someone that knows absolutely nothing about what's going on it seems both of you have some trust and insecurity issues and combined in a relationship has led to a bunch of not-fun-times. And this incident where he slept with another girl, although when you guys were broken up so he was free to do that, has just magnified those issues more.

I'd also agree with misschickie to take some time apart to cool off and re-evaluate the situation with a clear head. Get ahold of yourself. I'm not sure how old you are but based on your post I think you need time to grow from this relationship and mature a bit. Sorry if that's harsh.
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Trish2208
Heal on Aug 04, 2009 @ 06:55 am

As someone who is also going thru a hard time. I suggest taking time for you. Heal! This is hard but do it. You need to be true to you.

You need to read, write, sing, go to councelling or whatever. But heal. Get a clear perspective of what your reality really is.

No matter what your world may be it will effect everything wither it is good or bad. So before you can move forward with him or anyone else.

I am reading a good book right now. it explains men & woman and how each deal with stress. But it is also informative of how us girls will lose ourselves for work, friends, family and men.

So you need to find you. Take care of you...so you will not lose yourself again.

I hope this helps. i am not trying to preach but prevent going farther down to a bad place that I am in.

take care
stay strong cuz when your weak you learn and grow
so you become even more stronger, wiser and a better friend to all

Trish
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Becky
think about it on Aug 05, 2009 @ 12:06 pm

I know it hurts. I know all about sleepless night crying into the pillow, of days when normal mundane things brings back intense memories and fills your eyes, where you feel completely hopless and helpless, where you feel uncontrollable, unsurmountable intense pain. You logically know you should know better, yet emotionally you can't seem to focus on the harshness of reality and accept it. Feeling completely disallusioned. I'm sure many of us have gone through something very similar, where you feel the person you promised yourself to, the person who promised himself to you, have moved on and replaced you with someone else. You guys were supposed to be the exception, your 'forever' was supposed to last, the promises you made eachother were supposed to be kept..... so many things were supposed to go a certain way but instead went horribly wrong.

But reality is this. You said so yourself, the past 2 years were not a bed of roses. You guys had lots of fights, lots of insecurities and trust issues. I know 2 years is a long time, but in the grand scheme of things, its not. 2 years is still the honeymoon period, or it should be. You ideally shouldn't be having the problems you described. Trust me on this (yes I realize I'm a complete stranger asking you to trust me...but just do it anyways! :) ). You lasted 2 years because you forgave and had patience. Perhaps thats true from his side too. 2 years seem long now, but if you continue to forgive and have patience you can easily last 5 years, 9 years, 10 years. TRUST ME 10 years down the road, if you both continue on the way you've been going for the past 2 years, if then you go through again what you're going through now, it will be SO MUCH WORSE. You'll have 10 years of memories to deal with, you'll have 10 years worth of tears to cry and 10 years worth of love and heartbreak to get over. You think its hard now, this is nothing compared to how it will be then.

Do you really want to go through the rest of your life with someone who you don't completely trust, someone who doesn't completely trust you? Do you want to go through life just swallowing the hurt, forgiving the wrong, and having patience? Basically do you want to "go through life" or do you want to be HAPPY and Live through Life? Make the decision now, however hard it is now, its actually easier to make it now than later.

Ask yourself this, you MISS HIM. I understand. Do you really miss HIM? Or perhaps you miss the man you thought he would be? You miss the man you made your promises to? You miss the man that made promises to you? You have the memories you made together, you had fun together, you loved eachother. But can you not have fun, make memories and love the way you did with him, with someone else? Do you really truly miss HIM? His entire package? Including the pain he gave you, the trust he broke?

I know its hard....some days the heartbreak feels like a physical pain, i know that. But cut yourself some slack. Seriously recognize and realize yourself. Understand who YOU are. What makes you YOU. What do you really want? We all have a list of qualities we want our ideal partners to have. Say we have a 100 qualities we'd love him to have. Out of the 100, maybe 5 are mandatory that you can't live without. Does he really truly have all those 5? Realize yourself, what you want, and no matter how painful it is, recognize what you are capable of living with, what you're capable of forgiving, and what you aren't. Try your best to rationalize your relationship and with a clear head, decide what you want your next step to be.

I hope my long post made some sene ... i wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart .... chin up girl better days WILL come :) *hugs*
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Anonymous
My Story on Aug 03, 2010 @ 11:49 pm

I'm dealing with this same stuff :( he said i was his one and only. but about a month ago he broke up with me, he said he was scared and confused, i loved him unconditionally. he's the one i've loved the most and the one that has hurt me the most. he broke up with me because he was scared of me being just like his ex..... he forced me to break up with him.... i told him i would never let him go and he promised the same but he didn't keep his promise. that day he broke up with me i felt so depressed and thinking that i was going to feel better i drank.... it only made it worse.... my whole world had crumbled down.... i was once again alone and sad..... that whole week i cried no one could help me or so i thought..... one of my friends gave me hope. i had hope of getting back together with him.... i had become his friend with the intention of him noticing he wanted me back..... he told me he cared for me but he didn't say he loved me like he used to... he was mad at me for something i guess..... june 20th 2010 that's the date. like i said i became his friend but i had the interest of getting back together with him.... i told him if it was possible and he said no but maybe u never know what might happen.... and i was happy.... on friday that same wk i felt so bad it was the worst day ever my friend was there she helped me and i could sleep that night :) the next day i decided to get out and have fun so i did. i visited some friends and went to a restaurant....i got home and well i talked to him later that day.... he was feeling bad and depressed..... i helped him as much as i could, i cared so much for him and i wanted him to be happy.... he deserved to be happy even if it wasn't with me..... he called me that night and told me he loved me..... he had returned that hope i had to get back with him..... he had made me so happy that night..... the next week came and well i guess he didn't see it like i did. he didn't want a relationship again and just wanted to be friends with me and i was ok with it....... it hurt but i sucked up the pain.... i started to look for him again but we didn't talk much anymore.... i felt used :( once again i was depressed.... i went back to my pain and crying..... we talked but only as friends. that same week on thursday he decided to hang out with some friends, he got drunk, i was waiting for him to call me i waited until three a.m. and went to sleep, i woke up 2hrs later then i decided to call him. i asked him about his day and he sounded drunk, he said it had been alright, he said he was getting ready to go to bed so i decided to say good night and i told him i loved him and he told me he loved me. i felt sad and lonely again... we were not talking as much as we did before.... that whole week i waited for him to call me but he never did i was the one calling him..... one day i asked him if he had interests else where and he said yes. it had only been two weeks. fourth of july came i was sad but i decided to put a great smile on my face. i wrote a letter a love letter then i came back to my senses i decided that i was going to become the friend he wanted me to be.... i decided to prove him otherwise. i wasn't going to send that letter out. july fifth came and i wasn't going to see him that day or talk to him at all that day, he had a party at his house, i wasn't going to go.... i numbed the pain i felt inside and i became the friend he wanted. no more feelings, no more i love yous, i was interested in helping him but only as a friend, i was a bit scared for that day...... but i trusted him.... i knew he wouldn't betray me.... i went to sleep and the next day he calls me. i talk to him but only as a friend, i had made myself to the idea that i had lost him..... he brought back memories and apologized i should have made him stop.... i started to feel again i loved him so much and i couldn't forget him..... by july eight we were back together.... more in love than ever.... one week passed and i told everyone about him.... we talked on the phone but one day i remembered he told me he had to go because he had a friend going over... i trusted him so i didn't cared much... it was a girl named kristy..... he told me it meant a lot to him that i trusted him...... second week went great.... saturday i got back from work i was tired but i wanted to talk to him.... i did no matter how tired i was i would always make time for him..... that day he left me to go work out with some friends, kristy and chelsea, i trusted him so much he couldn't betray me..... i got so mad because there you have me making time for him and he doesn't appreciated it.... i just said bye and hung up... i didn't say i love you.... he texted me an i love you and i just went to sleep mad..... i woke up and i got sad like if i knew something bad was going to happen..... i put some music on and this song made me cry, i started to drink again.... a little bit later he calls me and gets all depressed on me... no matter how mad i was i tried to lift him up once again.... i tried to make him feel good once again... and then he tells me i have to confess something to you.... "that week when we broke up...." i knew what was coming..... " ....i had sex with someone" i hung up..... he called back and he took everything i had to tell him.... i asked him with who and his answer "kristy" once again my heart sunk.... i cried and i got mad but i forgave him right away something he couldn't do with me..... i felt so stupid afterwards... i had always said i would never forgive an infidelity and i had just done it........ i told him i was going to have a hard time forgetting and he said he was going to be strong and patient..... he told me he was going to make it up to me.... we talked for five hours that night and well i thought i was feeling alright.... when i went to bed i remembered and i cried myself to sleep and i woke up crying.... in my mind i only saw him and someone else that wasn't me.... him kissing someone and touching someone that wasn't me..... i cried and cried until i had no more tears left, i kept a smile so that no one would know what i was going through. i was still with him and three days later we decided to get intimate again... i thought i had already forgotten what happened but as soon as he started saying things like he did before all happened i started crying again... i couldn't believe him and all i could think about was him and someone else in that pose... him kissing someone else that wasn't me :'( him telling someone else that he loved her.... not me...... he comforted me and said it was alright that he was there for me and to tell him what was going through my mind.. i didn't want to hurt him more... he was already hurting... but in the end he made me and he made me feel so much better afterwards.... two weeks ago he proposed to me and i said yes... i feel happy but sometimes i still remember... and at times i still wonder about it... will i ever be able to forget it i don't know..... but it's less each time and it even though it still hurts i still hope i can get over this.... he has no contact with the girl anymore but i'm having a hard time trusting him again.... i love him so much and well i want things to be great.... he's even tattooing my name on his chest..... what more can i ask... but at times i still wonder and i even make him feel bad..... i need your help ShatteredDreams please tell me what happened with you and him.... it's been a bit over a year now and i want to know what happened to both of you? please :)?
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