Help? :(


Anonymous
on Jun 25, 2011 @ 09:37 am

I am so lost and upset. I am 22, I was with a guy for about a year...he swept me off my feet with his charm and seemingly genuine character. I am a good girl, never got into anything bad, partied in college but never got in trouble. I met my ex out of pure boredom, knew him from highschool (he had a terrible "bad boy" reputation). He literally said all the right things, charmed me and I fell hard. He got me with his sad story too (his mom passed away when he was 10 from a heroin overdose, and has 5 siblings and grew up very poor). He is an alcoholic, an ex coke head and E head...I started dating him knowing he was going into rehab and a halfway house (court ordered, he is on felony probation)...He said I was his angel and I gave his "lost soul" something to work hard for...my background in school is sociology and psychology and I come from a very good, close family...I really thought I could help him...for about 2 months everything was great even though he was not anywhere near my intellectual level (not braving AT ALL) but I just blamed it on his past drug use and environmental factors from childhood and looked past it...anyways, things went really bad, really quick. He got kicked out of the halfway house after about 2 months for running his mouth to a counselor...and he moved into my apartment with me (stupid idea, i know)...well...he started to beg to drink and hey, I'm 22 and I only knew him for 2 months at that point, I didn't know if he was truly an alcoholic...well he is 100%...I remember the first time we went out and drank, he thought someone made a comment to me and he smashed the entire back windshield off a random car downtown, fled the scene and left me alone in the street and I had to meet him at the hospital...it was awful..and he cried and begged me to stay and said how sorry he was and I gave him another chance...after that I made him a resume so he could get a job, and we sent an email to a potential job for him, when I checked the "sent" box to make sure the attachment sent...I found 2 sexually explicit emails he sent out to MEN off a craigslist ad looking for sex!?!?!?! I immediately freaked out and didn't know what to do, he denied it (hes a pathological liar, lies about everything)...it took about 3 hours for him to finally admit that he was bi-sexual and had been with men. Well...I kicked him out that day, but it didn't last...he cried and begged and said I was everything to him...and I took him back thinking MAYBE it could work if we went to counseling to try to figure out why he has sexual desires toward men. Well we never went to counseling..we moved into another apartment together (BIG MISTAKE)...I wanted him to be the man I fell in love with, with all that charm and said all the right things, he always said all the right things, his actions didnt. After we moved in with eachother over the course of about 9 months I found probably 40 facebook messages to other women (to me thats cheating, whether he pursued it or not), he stole 23 of my prescribed xanax (denied it, but i found the texts proving him selling them for adderal), text message from a girl at work, etc. I tried breaking up with him several times...an example of how it went when I tried to break up with him includes; holding a butcher knife to his throat, dragging his head on the pavement out of my drivers side door, choking himself with my seatbelt, smashing a mirror over his head causing a concussion and another hospital trip, begging, promising the world to me, etc. He literally messed up a 100 times, and then manipulated the living crap out of me to try to get me back each time. I wanted to believe him SO bad that he would change and just be the nice guy he is 75% of the time. Well...I was miserable everyday of my life, I didnt know how to leave, I was scared to leave, I still "loved" him (really I just loved the idea of what I wish he was)...finally about 6 weeks ago he really blew it over the edge, he started to bring cocaine into the apartment, started spending his entire paycheck at the bar, etc. Well this one particular night he drank about 15 beers, half a bottle of liquor then about 6 more drinks at the bar when we went out...he flirted with a girl (which i later found out he cheated on me with a week before i broke up with him) for about 4 hours infront of my face at the bar as I cried and begged them both to stop...the night ended with a phone call to the cops, he fled the scene and went god knows where...and I called my mom and we waited until 10am for him to finally get home and I broke up with him and asked him to pack his stuff and leave. He left, in a very cocky manner, denying that he did ANYTHING wrong...then over a 5 weeks span after the breakup, he started "dating" her (he denied that), he posted himself on craigslist for hookups with men, he commited harassment, aggravated harassment, and stalking to me insisting of about 700 phones calls, 350 texts, 50 facebook messages, emails, showing up at my apartment, 7 suicide threats(im on the train tracks and can hear it coming, im going to hang myself in the back yard, "i hope you like killing me"), etc. etc. etc...well I stayed strong for about 2 weeks...then he left a voicemail saying he got arrested and was going to go to jail for atleast 1-3 years and "if you ever cared about me, call me back"...I called him back and had him come over...BIG MISTAKE...I contacted his probation officer and told her to leave my name out of anything because he clearly is getting into trouble on his own...well once he had probation the day after I had him over...He called screaming at me saying the "arrest story" was a big LIE (to manipulate me into talking to him)...and his probation officer called me and said he lied (shes not happy with him)...after that he still called over 300 times and contacted my friends to relay messages to me, etc. Well I filed for an order of protection and finally THIS MORNING I had court to finalize a "full stay away for one year"...I saw him at court today for the first time in 3 weeks...it was AWFUL, he came in whistling, cocky, and gave the judge responses like "yup, nope" it was terrible. The guards/cops came up to me afterwards and told me they got a good laugh at him because of his clearly controlling, manipulative, immature behavior. Anyways...I guess I'm writing because I am having a hard night...I KNOW I clearly made the right decision by leaving him and getting the restraining order, but seeing him today at court was AWFUL. I can't help but to still wish he was the sweet, "genuine" person I fell for...but he's not. My therapist is convinced that my ex is a narcissistic sociopath who is heavily emotionally and verbally abusive...I dont know...I just am SO scared to ever love again, SO scared I am going to fall for another jerk. I want revenge and to tell all his friends that he is bi...I don't know anymore...I just want to stop dwelling...help?
 

14 Replies


Lotus Flower
This is Toxic!!! on Jun 27, 2011 @ 03:17 am

i've read your post...slowly..and there's a part that has just shocked me
"I
tried breaking up with him several times...an example of how it went
when I tried to break up with him includes; holding a butcher knife to
his throat, dragging his head on the pavement out of my drivers side
door, choking himself with my seatbelt, smashing a mirror over his head
causing a concussion

my dear I'm going to be blunt here and say...this wasn't love...u didnt know the real man when u fell in love with him...u fell in love with what he portrayed...

when u love someone my dear...u don't hurt them..what u have described is scary...i know he must have hurt u but honey...it takes two...wanting revenge is never the answer..
this was a vicious and abusive cycle. my take is that the 2 of u lived off each others drama..you were an enabler..

if u really want to move on...focus on yourself...seek sometime out and figure out when made u act in such a violent or attract such a guy...focus on u because no matter what hurting another human isn't acceptable.

reach out to family and friends...if there is someone u trust talk to them...or a counselor..and if your religious...pray because It helps in moving on...reach out to your loved ones and please read ...1st Corinthians chpt 13: 4...

that is real love

wish u the best of luck
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jskim07
Ouch. on Jun 27, 2011 @ 10:22 am

You definitely didn't deserve this! It's a brave thing you did, posting this on our site. It can really help open the eyes of those in abusive relationships! I hope We can help you a way that we can, and that you rise above this and pursue the kind of life you deserve. Good luck with it all!
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Anonymous
OMG on Jun 27, 2011 @ 10:39 am

Your story is horrible and even though you say your are an intellectual I really don't think you are smart at all. No offense but I've been there done that and it changed my life. Unfortunately, I stayed in too long...you are still young so run and run fast. Do not go near him. He is toxic and will only continue to make your life miserable. He does not care about you and never will.
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Ali de Bold
Turn around and never look back. on Jun 27, 2011 @ 10:40 am

Lotus Flower, I think you may have misinterpreted the part about the violence. Anon, did I read you right that he did those things to himself when you tried to break up with him?

There isn't an ounce of redemption for this relationship. You need to cut ties forever and move on. Regardless of the person you wish he could be, he clearly isn't - and won't be. You've stated so many reasons to break up with him I don't know where to begin.

But if it helps to see it back from another person:

- He is a master manipulator
- He is abusive
- He has cheated on you multiple times - clearly with both genders
- He is violent

Clearly this is not relationship material. There is nothing you can do to save him. Only he can save him self and it doesn't sound like he is remotely interested in doing that. Actions speak louder than words. He can bawl his eyes out and beg you back, but if he really wanted to change, he would actually do it.

Please for your sake turn around and never look back. Take time to heal yourself and don't get into another relationship until you've had time to evaluate what made you get involved with a guy like that in the first place, or you run the risk of getting into another similar relationship.

You need to value yourself enough to never be with someone like that again. You are far better off single, working towards your goals in life and having healthy relationships and a strong support network of friends and family who love you.

Please do this for yourself. Big hugs

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Hurt
response on Jun 27, 2011 @ 02:11 pm

Thanks for the responses.

Lotus- I think you misinterpreted my words, HE responded in those violent, ridiculous ways when I tried to break up with him, not me. I never got violent or abusive toward him. I also don't want "revenge", but I think people should have the right to know (including myself) that he is bi-sexual. He bashes gays and puts a "tough guy" act on...when really he is bi, so maybe you could say its a little bit of revenge, but I am too focused on myself and my safety to go telling all his friends, I moved out of town specifically to get away from him and his destructive friends.

Anon-You made the comment that you don't think I am "intellectual at all", Intellect doesn't mean I am "smart" when it comes to relationships. When I met him he said all the right things, was going into recovery, rehab, and a halfway house, and I had never dealt with someone like that before. I am a loving, passionate person who wanted to show this "lost soul" a good, clean, sober, healthy life. I didn't want to stay, clearly it was scary (sometimes dangerous) to leave, and emotionally draining, and we also split rent, so for financial reasons it was hard as well. If anything, I am incredibly proud of myself and smart enough to figure him out, and run from him and protect myself, all at 22 years old. And if you have "been there, done that", then you must not be very intellectual yourself.

ali-de-bold- Thank you for your response. Yes, I believe Lotus misinterpreted my words for that part of the story, those were HIS responses. I know the relationship doesn't have an ounce of redemption, and I don't want it to. I don't want to be with him, I guess what the hard part of accepting all of this is; I put SO much work into trying to show him a good life and being supportive, for NOTHING, I gave a lot of love, for NO love in return except fake lies, begging and all of that. That is the hard part. He is not capable of ever being in a relationship, he is a sociopath and I realize that now. Sometimes I get upset and beat myself up over the thought of what he put me through for 9 months and after the break up. I am on my way to healing, I go to meetings, therapy, got the order of protection, and moved out of town. I have too much of a heart, and too much going for me to ever get myself involved with someone like that again.
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Becky
not for nothing on Jun 27, 2011 @ 04:44 pm

First of all, good for you for recognizing a horrible hopeless situation and doing everything in your power to get out of it! We all make mistakes, that doesn't make us dumb, but recognizing an abusive situation and trying despite odds and fears to get out of it, that takes a special strength. Good for you for having that strength at such a young age!!

I completely understand how you must feel: horrible for the time, effort and emotion wasted on someone who did nothing but abuse you. Even his 75% of the time good guy act was in it's way a form of abuse; the good boy act got you prepped to get even more hurt when he behaved like his real self.

You recognize him for who and what he is, you realize that you didn't love HIM but you loved the person you thought he could me / made him out to be in your own mind. You realize all of this, you just sound like you feel very frustrated and resentful for being so completely played.

I think we all have a story behind us, and I'm no different. I know how it feels to be too afraid to leave someone even when you know that's what is good for you. To be so confused because the partner isn't always bad, while in the relationship, its very confusing to figure out if he's really the bad guy, if you're making him be bad, or if he's actually good and you're being a psycho. Then when you finally realize and get out despite all the threats and drama, you look back and feel resentment for what the person stole from you: your trust in others, your belief in your own ability to judge others, etc. All the anger and resentment fizzes and it feels like you deserve some sort of closure and hurting him at least a little bit in the way he hurt you would do the trick.

Despite all of this, the bottom line as you said yourself is, don't do it. He's a crazy guy, he can do anything. You're soft hearted, there's a limit to what you can do. So don't put yourself back in harms way and do or say anything to him or to anyone about him. You got out of that horrible situation, don't do anything that might even by off chance get you back into harms way. I'm not telling you to forgive him or even forget. In fact, never forget; people repeat mistakes because they forget. But let the anger go because it hurts no one but you.

And realize this: This is not for nothing. He has taught you many valuable lessons. As time goes by you will realize what each of them are. This will be so useful to you in the rest of your life and any other relationships you will have. At such an early age you know what you don't want, something not many people realize until much later.

Finally, 9 months is better than 1year. Better than 9 years. Trust me 9 years can pass in the blink of an eye. Be grateful for what it was versus what it could have been.

*big hugs*

p.s. sorry I probably sound very incoherent, I'm at work with A LOT to do but I had to write a response to your thread. Especially after reading how someone called you an enabler and misconstrued your post. Anyways hope this was somewhat helpful.
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Patricia
It will get better... on Jun 27, 2011 @ 04:44 pm

Your story broke my heart! I remember some of the feeling I had when the person I loved didn't love me back. All I can tell you is... it will get better.

You are 22. You are soooo much living in front of you. As horrible as this experience has been, it will make you stronger, you will learn something from it and you will be a better person for it. That is why you had to experience it.

You mentioned a therapist... hopefully that is helping you. Talking about it will help you see the "good" in what happened. The biggest "good" right now is that you are not with him anymore. I know that probably hurts to hear, but you deserve SO much better! It took me years to realize that I DESERVE a good man... the sooner you realize that you are worth an amazing man the faster you will feel better.

Take care of yourself!
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Hurt
thankyou on Jun 27, 2011 @ 05:17 pm

Thank you Becky and Patricia for your responses, it is nice to know people care and understand what I went through.

Becky-Thank you, I am starting to realize the "good" (believe it or not) that the relationship taught me, I now know warning signs of abusive, destructive men and not to get myself involved in another manipulative relationship. I also have realized I am a good person with a good heart, that is why I trusted him and gave him my all in hopes to "help" him and how him a "good life". Unfortunately, my attempts at that did not "fix" him, but they helped me realize who I am. Thanks again.

Patricia- Thank you, Yes my therapist is wonderful, he is the one who made me see outside the box of just a domestic violence relationship, but that I have a possibly very dangerous narcissistic sociopath on my hands, I have done about 80 hours of research on that, and he fits the illness to T. I hope I can heal from this fully, and soon, while taking about a lot of lessons and knowledge. I hope to someday meet a man who will love me and put forth as much effort into a relationship as I do, and who is actually genuine!! Ahhhhh, still can't believe the whirlwind of a ride I have gone through with him...but I am glad its over. Thanks again.
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GlamGal
:'( to :-) on Jun 27, 2011 @ 05:31 pm

Go do something fun with your gal pals to spark your spirits!
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TammyK
You don't deserve ANY of it on Jun 27, 2011 @ 09:07 pm

Your relationship with this guy was just terrible. It was abusive and manipulative (on his part) and this tends to happen in abusive relationships where the person keeps going back to it and that's what happened to you. I'm actually glad something extremely bad happened or else you might not be where you are today. It's unfortunate but sometimes it takes something drastic for a person to leave a bad relationship.

This guy does fit the definition of a sociopath. He lies and manipulates, he does things with no regards to how anyone is feeling. There's nothing you can do to help him. Frankly, he needs professional help and may need to be put on medication. I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist. Slowly but surely, you'll get through this and will become stronger. You're only 22, your life is ahead of you. Not all guys are sociopath...only a fraction of them and because of what you've been though. You know know the signs before you fall too deep next time. Chances are, you won't be in a relationship with someone like him again and you'll heal. Just keep working on yourself and keep going to see a therapist. It may take some time, but you'll be fine :)

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