|This is Toxic!!! on Jun 27, 2011 @ 03:17 am|
i've read your post...slowly..and there's a part that has just shocked me
tried breaking up with him several times...an example of how it went
when I tried to break up with him includes; holding a butcher knife to
his throat, dragging his head on the pavement out of my drivers side
door, choking himself with my seatbelt, smashing a mirror over his head
causing a concussion
my dear I'm going to be blunt here and say...this wasn't love...u didnt know the real man when u fell in love with him...u fell in love with what he portrayed...
when u love someone my dear...u don't hurt them..what u have described is scary...i know he must have hurt u but honey...it takes two...wanting revenge is never the answer..
this was a vicious and abusive cycle. my take is that the 2 of u lived off each others drama..you were an enabler..
if u really want to move on...focus on yourself...seek sometime out and figure out when made u act in such a violent or attract such a guy...focus on u because no matter what hurting another human isn't acceptable.
reach out to family and friends...if there is someone u trust talk to them...or a counselor..and if your religious...pray because It helps in moving on...reach out to your loved ones and please read ...1st Corinthians chpt 13: 4...
that is real love
wish u the best of luck
|Ouch. on Jun 27, 2011 @ 10:22 am|
You definitely didn't deserve this! It's a brave thing you did, posting this on our site. It can really help open the eyes of those in abusive relationships! I hope We can help you a way that we can, and that you rise above this and pursue the kind of life you deserve. Good luck with it all!
|OMG on Jun 27, 2011 @ 10:39 am|
Your story is horrible and even though you say your are an intellectual I really don't think you are smart at all. No offense but I've been there done that and it changed my life. Unfortunately, I stayed in too long...you are still young so run and run fast. Do not go near him. He is toxic and will only continue to make your life miserable. He does not care about you and never will.
Ali de Bold
|Turn around and never look back. on Jun 27, 2011 @ 10:40 am|
Lotus Flower, I think you may have misinterpreted the part about the violence. Anon, did I read you right that he did those things to himself when you tried to break up with him?
There isn't an ounce of redemption for this relationship. You need to cut ties forever and move on. Regardless of the person you wish he could be, he clearly isn't - and won't be. You've stated so many reasons to break up with him I don't know where to begin.
But if it helps to see it back from another person:
- He is a master manipulator
- He is abusive
- He has cheated on you multiple times - clearly with both genders
- He is violent
Clearly this is not relationship material. There is nothing you can do to save him. Only he can save him self and it doesn't sound like he is remotely interested in doing that. Actions speak louder than words. He can bawl his eyes out and beg you back, but if he really wanted to change, he would actually do it.
Please for your sake turn around and never look back. Take time to heal yourself and don't get into another relationship until you've had time to evaluate what made you get involved with a guy like that in the first place, or you run the risk of getting into another similar relationship.
You need to value yourself enough to never be with someone like that again. You are far better off single, working towards your goals in life and having healthy relationships and a strong support network of friends and family who love you.
Please do this for yourself. Big hugs
|response on Jun 27, 2011 @ 02:11 pm|
Thanks for the responses.
Lotus- I think you misinterpreted my words, HE responded in those violent, ridiculous ways when I tried to break up with him, not me. I never got violent or abusive toward him. I also don't want "revenge", but I think people should have the right to know (including myself) that he is bi-sexual. He bashes gays and puts a "tough guy" act on...when really he is bi, so maybe you could say its a little bit of revenge, but I am too focused on myself and my safety to go telling all his friends, I moved out of town specifically to get away from him and his destructive friends.
Anon-You made the comment that you don't think I am "intellectual at all", Intellect doesn't mean I am "smart" when it comes to relationships. When I met him he said all the right things, was going into recovery, rehab, and a halfway house, and I had never dealt with someone like that before. I am a loving, passionate person who wanted to show this "lost soul" a good, clean, sober, healthy life. I didn't want to stay, clearly it was scary (sometimes dangerous) to leave, and emotionally draining, and we also split rent, so for financial reasons it was hard as well. If anything, I am incredibly proud of myself and smart enough to figure him out, and run from him and protect myself, all at 22 years old. And if you have "been there, done that", then you must not be very intellectual yourself.
ali-de-bold- Thank you for your response. Yes, I believe Lotus misinterpreted my words for that part of the story, those were HIS responses. I know the relationship doesn't have an ounce of redemption, and I don't want it to. I don't want to be with him, I guess what the hard part of accepting all of this is; I put SO much work into trying to show him a good life and being supportive, for NOTHING, I gave a lot of love, for NO love in return except fake lies, begging and all of that. That is the hard part. He is not capable of ever being in a relationship, he is a sociopath and I realize that now. Sometimes I get upset and beat myself up over the thought of what he put me through for 9 months and after the break up. I am on my way to healing, I go to meetings, therapy, got the order of protection, and moved out of town. I have too much of a heart, and too much going for me to ever get myself involved with someone like that again.
|not for nothing on Jun 27, 2011 @ 04:44 pm|
First of all, good for you for recognizing a horrible hopeless situation and doing everything in your power to get out of it! We all make mistakes, that doesn't make us dumb, but recognizing an abusive situation and trying despite odds and fears to get out of it, that takes a special strength. Good for you for having that strength at such a young age!!
I completely understand how you must feel: horrible for the time, effort and emotion wasted on someone who did nothing but abuse you. Even his 75% of the time good guy act was in it's way a form of abuse; the good boy act got you prepped to get even more hurt when he behaved like his real self.
You recognize him for who and what he is, you realize that you didn't love HIM but you loved the person you thought he could me / made him out to be in your own mind. You realize all of this, you just sound like you feel very frustrated and resentful for being so completely played.
I think we all have a story behind us, and I'm no different. I know how it feels to be too afraid to leave someone even when you know that's what is good for you. To be so confused because the partner isn't always bad, while in the relationship, its very confusing to figure out if he's really the bad guy, if you're making him be bad, or if he's actually good and you're being a psycho. Then when you finally realize and get out despite all the threats and drama, you look back and feel resentment for what the person stole from you: your trust in others, your belief in your own ability to judge others, etc. All the anger and resentment fizzes and it feels like you deserve some sort of closure and hurting him at least a little bit in the way he hurt you would do the trick.
Despite all of this, the bottom line as you said yourself is, don't do it. He's a crazy guy, he can do anything. You're soft hearted, there's a limit to what you can do. So don't put yourself back in harms way and do or say anything to him or to anyone about him. You got out of that horrible situation, don't do anything that might even by off chance get you back into harms way. I'm not telling you to forgive him or even forget. In fact, never forget; people repeat mistakes because they forget. But let the anger go because it hurts no one but you.
And realize this: This is not for nothing. He has taught you many valuable lessons. As time goes by you will realize what each of them are. This will be so useful to you in the rest of your life and any other relationships you will have. At such an early age you know what you don't want, something not many people realize until much later.
Finally, 9 months is better than 1year. Better than 9 years. Trust me 9 years can pass in the blink of an eye. Be grateful for what it was versus what it could have been.
p.s. sorry I probably sound very incoherent, I'm at work with A LOT to do but I had to write a response to your thread. Especially after reading how someone called you an enabler and misconstrued your post. Anyways hope this was somewhat helpful.
|It will get better... on Jun 27, 2011 @ 04:44 pm|
Your story broke my heart! I remember some of the feeling I had when the person I loved didn't love me back. All I can tell you is... it will get better.
You are 22. You are soooo much living in front of you. As horrible as this experience has been, it will make you stronger, you will learn something from it and you will be a better person for it. That is why you had to experience it.
You mentioned a therapist... hopefully that is helping you. Talking about it will help you see the "good" in what happened. The biggest "good" right now is that you are not with him anymore. I know that probably hurts to hear, but you deserve SO much better! It took me years to realize that I DESERVE a good man... the sooner you realize that you are worth an amazing man the faster you will feel better.
Take care of yourself!
|thankyou on Jun 27, 2011 @ 05:17 pm|
Thank you Becky and Patricia for your responses, it is nice to know people care and understand what I went through.
Becky-Thank you, I am starting to realize the "good" (believe it or not) that the relationship taught me, I now know warning signs of abusive, destructive men and not to get myself involved in another manipulative relationship. I also have realized I am a good person with a good heart, that is why I trusted him and gave him my all in hopes to "help" him and how him a "good life". Unfortunately, my attempts at that did not "fix" him, but they helped me realize who I am. Thanks again.
Patricia- Thank you, Yes my therapist is wonderful, he is the one who made me see outside the box of just a domestic violence relationship, but that I have a possibly very dangerous narcissistic sociopath on my hands, I have done about 80 hours of research on that, and he fits the illness to T. I hope I can heal from this fully, and soon, while taking about a lot of lessons and knowledge. I hope to someday meet a man who will love me and put forth as much effort into a relationship as I do, and who is actually genuine!! Ahhhhh, still can't believe the whirlwind of a ride I have gone through with him...but I am glad its over. Thanks again.
|:'( to :-) on Jun 27, 2011 @ 05:31 pm|
Go do something fun with your gal pals to spark your spirits!
|You don't deserve ANY of it on Jun 27, 2011 @ 09:07 pm|
Your relationship with this guy was just terrible. It was abusive and manipulative (on his part) and this tends to happen in abusive relationships where the person keeps going back to it and that's what happened to you. I'm actually glad something extremely bad happened or else you might not be where you are today. It's unfortunate but sometimes it takes something drastic for a person to leave a bad relationship.
This guy does fit the definition of a sociopath. He lies and manipulates, he does things with no regards to how anyone is feeling. There's nothing you can do to help him. Frankly, he needs professional help and may need to be put on medication. I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist. Slowly but surely, you'll get through this and will become stronger. You're only 22, your life is ahead of you. Not all guys are sociopath...only a fraction of them and because of what you've been though. You know know the signs before you fall too deep next time. Chances are, you won't be in a relationship with someone like him again and you'll heal. Just keep working on yourself and keep going to see a therapist. It may take some time, but you'll be fine :)