Help! Going through separation/divorce and very depressed

on Sep 21, 2013 @ 02:02 pm

I'm going through such a difficult phase in my life. This year has been turbulent to say the least. Earlier this year I've discovered scary truths about my husband (married 3 years) been together for a total of 5 years. I uncovered slowly over the course of 6 months an incredible amount of lies and deception. It has been a painful process for me because I literally had to uncover the lies like a detective.
It started with trips being booked behind my back (while I was away for a month) and charged to a creditcard that I didn't know existed. Picking up women and getting their phone numbers as he pretended to be a "single" guy (I found this out through phone records and even spoke to one of the women), partying and clubbing and drinking on weeknights behind my back, again staged as work socials. Keep in mind he is 30 years old.
He even sent staged a business trip under and went away with his single guyfriends during a time when I was sick and had to stay with my parents. The stress of this year started causing physical problems and nagging health issues.
All along he would pretend there was "nothing wrong" with our relationship but my intuition was starting to sense there was something deeply wrong. Everything I would question as abnormal due to my instincts were beaten down with more lies where eventually I too started to think I was sort of crazy.

In August (last month) everything came to light when I discovered his phone records, hidden creditcard statements. I had to literally corner him where his lies were no longer possible. He had to admit to an affair he had with a former gf who is divorced and a single mom. The sad thing is this homewrecker knew me and knew he was married to me yet felt no remorse, sad to know women are so hurtful to their own kind. She complimented him and inflated his ego, told him she loves him, did a striptease to him at her place (I feel sick typing this), got drunk with him and kept inviting him over to her place while I was out of the country. 

How can someone you know and loved to death treat you like this? How can the person you sleep with and took vows with, someone that you considered family treat you with this type of disrespect? He cries like a child knowing that our marriage is over. He thinks he can "change". But this man can no longer be trusted. If I didn't uncover these "truths" I would of never known, he would of never told me. What hurts more than the affair is the lies and deception. The affair hurts like crazy too, especially when you know the girl who he did things with.

My question is how do I pick up the pieces? I've been interviewing for a new job (re-starting my career I had to leave because of him). But I'm still nursing my health problems that manifested because of the stress with him. I have trouble sleeping and I feel incredible depressed. I cry incredible amounts daily.  He still emails me constantly thinking he can "win" me over. I no longer trust anyone. I'm scared of the world and men. I don't even know how to get back out there. I was with him for 5 years. I'm 31 years old btw. The paperwork associated with divorce scares me and I break down.... 

Sorry for the LONG ESSAY above but my heart is bleeding, it is hurting so much.

32 Replies

Strength on Sep 21, 2013 @ 11:26 pm

It really is hard time that you are going through and I don't blame you. I'm sure anyone would fell the same. It's not easy to come out of this and will take time. I pray God gives you strength to overcome this.

Strength needed on Sep 24, 2013 @ 05:17 pm

Thanks Mah_kal for reading and responding to the novel I wrote above. It means a lot.
I really appreciate you including me in your prayers because I really do need the strength. I want to move past this "pain" and very "difficult chapter" in my life. It is so tough.


At least he's gone on Sep 25, 2013 @ 09:17 pm

Congrats on getting rid of that guy. You deserve to be treated much better than that.

This sounds like a really horrible time for you (no offense intended). I'd suggest seeing a therapist/psychiatrist of some sort. I've just started seeing someone and it's helping. People think that seeing someone like that is considered weak but I don't think so. They're professionals and came help come up with strategies and plans to help you get through this faster.


You are stronger than you suspect on Sep 26, 2013 @ 02:32 pm

Anon, hang in there! You have reason to cry. To feel depressed. To feel untrusting. Reach deep and trust in yourself right now. And trust in your strength. Know that every single week that goes by can make you stronger and more yourself again.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Sorry, but I do want to scream this out loud. How could you ever know that this man was so sneaky and slimy? So much of love is trust, and he has done so much to destroy it in you. Don't go down the spiral of 'I should have known'... you didn't and you couldn't. Good for you for being strong and smart and trusting your intuition that something wasn't right. And you did something about it... freeing yourself from this horrible man forever.

You are worth more. You deserve more. Focus on yourself and how great you are... because I promise you that you will get through this and come out a better and healthier you. My BFF is going through something similar and I know that the demons are hard to excise... but you can and you will. Reach out and rely on your good friends, family and/or a counselor who will help you ask the right questions.

PS That girl is trash. Jus' sayin

Agree with the other commenters on Sep 26, 2013 @ 02:47 pm

Tashacat made a really great point. Trust is a cornerstone of love. Initially, it has to be given as a gift (because how can you know?). Later when trust is broken, it needs to be earned - if this is even possible in your case.

If this was a momentary slip, a one-time thing perhaps brought on by a specific problem, then maybe there would be something to rebuild. For example, I know of couples who have had problems due to losing a loved family member or going through bankruptcy. Once that situation passed, they were able to get back on track.

However, it sounds like a years-long habitual pattern of behaviour from your man. It will take him a long time with professional help before he stops this behaviour LET ALONE MAKE YOU FEEL TRUST AGAIN. Yeah, I'm sorry for yelling too. But stopping a bad thing and rebuilding a precious and fragile thing are two entirely different projects.

He needs to want to stop. Based on your story, this is not the case. Sure, he's upset that he's paying the consequences, but if he wanted to stop he would have done so on his own before you found out. You finding out is actually a separate thing.

Move on. This guy doesn't deserve you. Allow yourself to grieve, and don't feel guilty about mourning the loss of a bad relationship. Some people might say "consider yourself lucky and don't waste another tear on him" but I think that's missing the point. You loved him. You loved your relationship. It's natural to grieve this loss just like you'd grieve the loss of a family member.

Big hugs to you, and come back to chat with us anytime you need a shoulder to cry on!

Should be Strong but feeling weak today... on Sep 26, 2013 @ 03:07 pm

Although I have demonized him above there are many great things about him. Although as you ladies have rightly put it TRUST is the foundation of a relationship. :-(
He was always a lost soul if this makes sense to anyone, very naive and believing of everyone. This would frequently annoy me as I'm the opposite. I don't care for compliments from random people, I rather have it from him. Anyone that gives him attention ("women"- he will fall into their trap). Something warped from his childhood of neglect from his parents. He constantly talks about a "lack of feeling loved".

The fake bank account was created to book hotel rooms at a travel agent price for friends. Sounds silly this guy is a professional but he has a passion for travel bookings. Instead of sharing this with me he kept it from me. He said he would earn points and then upgrade us when we travelled and the EXCITEMENT in my eyes would fuel him to feel proud of himself. Again, if he shared this with me it wouldn't of been a problem. But his low self-worth and need to feel appreciated in my eyes leads him to do odd things. He handles problems in the worst way ever. I can't understand why his self worth is low, he is extremely attractive, tall and is a professional, so smart... But he throws away his potential.

@Tasha Cat - Do trash girls like that ever face their karma? It hurts me so much knowing that she is fine. I have trouble sleeping these days and functioning. She is fine, goes to work, enjoys her life. She even posted on facebook "Things have a way of working themselves out". Which I heard from a friend is a dig at me.... How hurtful. She ruined my marriage and I've done nothing to her...
He never responds to her anymore but she texts him now and then (I see the phone records) and he admits to me that she is a witch and messages him but he will never answer her, he learnt his lesson apparently. He says that he fell into her trap, he was feeling low on himself and she fed his insecurity. She knew that he was weak, she knew I was out of the country. She is divorced with a child and she capitalized on the situation. She cried to him about her personal life being a mess and complimented him and he FELL for it.

I know that I might sound pathetic, but my heart is hurting so much. I wish there was a magical switch to get over all of this. I had to see him yesterday to sort out some finances. He cried a lot saying he will forever be waiting for me and that he is going to try to cleanse his soul somehow because he is disgusted at what he's done....


It takes two... on Sep 26, 2013 @ 03:20 pm

I certainly hope there is karma. I find often people create their own punishments. But don't stress about it... put your precious energy towards yourself and positive things.

It takes two to tango. Personally I think they are equally to blame. As mamaluv very astutely said, this looks like habitual pattern behaviour in him. It doesn't seem like a misguided 'slip'. This was planned, anticipated, mapped out. There is significant deceit and intent here. Are you offering him excuses for his actions? We all have demons from our past, but by the time we are in our 20's we must own these ourselves, fix what we can, get help for what we can't. Being 'naive' and 'artfully deceitful' is a strange combination.... and very dangerous to anyone who would want to put any level of trust in him.

Torn inside... on Sep 26, 2013 @ 03:27 pm

@Mamaluv - He wants to do anything and everything to earn my trust back he says. He said he never really imagined a life without me, never imagined me not being the one to be the mother to his children. The tears he cries when he sees me looks sincere (going by my gut).
He says he wants to change his ways and end his "sinful" way of living. He has agreed to my terms of the separation (monetary). He continually tells me everything is mine, whatever I want and then cries more. He has aged to a lot since the last time I saw him (a month ago). His beard now has so many grey hairs in them, clearly he is depressed. He said he has "learnt bad ways" since childhood. ie - Lying to hide the truth. He said he is scared so it is easier to lie... I don't know what to make of all of this.

He said that he didn't feel loved and appreciated by me which is the leading reason he did what he did in from Feb onwards this year. He agrees this wasn't the way to handle the problem but at the time his mind was "clouded". He also has a slight performance problem so this hits his manhood in ways I can never understand. It was a "perfect storm" situation with me being gone.....He felt his manhood crumbling and she appeared. Right place and the right time for that "homewrecker".
Why can't men communicate when they are feeling this way? Why do they instead hold everything inside and pretend their marriage is fine then act out in ridiculous ways and throw everything away. Now we are both suffering and so are our respective families. Everyone loses.

I had gone away to a yoga ashram in a third world country in Feb. All in all he was having an affair and going to Vegas? He was living like a "rockstar" he said this word for word through tears. He said that everything went to his head, his deflated sense of worth was being inflated in the wrong way by cheap thrills. The company was paying for his room and board so all this crap was being paid for fully by the company. He did not have ANY sense of responsibility while I was away. Everything from meals were taken care of on the company dime. It went straight to his head! She would constantly encourage him to book trips to Vegas telling him he deserved it because he works so hard. She knows I'm a simple girl so she knew this would ruin the marriage when I find out. He said he would tell her that he really loved me when she would force sex (yes he didn't have sex with her but cheated they made out etc and she did a striptease). she would use any of the opportunities to her advantage convincing him how they have more in common and that she would always allow him to be the man he wanted to be (ie - enjoy time out with his guyfriends, go to Vegas as many times as he wanted etc.)

Ladies - bless all of you for listening. You have no idea how much you are helping me. I take all your comments to heart. You are my angels.

Yes it takes two.... on Sep 26, 2013 @ 03:37 pm

@Tashacat - Being 'naive' and 'artfully deceitful' that is a good way to put it. Maybe I am being blind because I saw him yesterday and saw what I thought was sincerity. Yes, it definitely takes two. I think I am more angry at her so I keep bashing the girl even though I know deep down inside the #1 person to blame is him. I guess the reason I do the "bashing" is because I've been placed in situations where men have complained to me about their spouses and I've actually taken the woman's side. I didn't even know their wives but I always think that it is one side of the story. So it hurts knowing the type of woman I am and how I regard married men to think how different and dirty she is. Again I'm being a typical woman and "blaming" because I'm very hurt inside. This specific girl is someone I knew before I met my husband (so it isn't my jealousy speaking) and I always had a bad vibe on her. She would do drugs and act like trash before I knew my husband and I thought she was such a low life. She did drugs while her baby was a few months old, it would disgust me.

I certainly hope there is karma too. I don't like to think that bad people just get away and live happily. But I know I should be focusing on myself and nuturing my inner self. I haven't even been practicing yoga since all this blew up. I've just lost my sense of normalcy altogether. And lost my zest in life.

I feel for him, but... on Sep 26, 2013 @ 03:40 pm

It's very sad that your husband had a tough time growing up and has issues now as a result. I'm a parent and I'm always worried that this decision or that decision will affect my kids' future one way or another.

Because it does. And I feel badly for him that now he has this twisted idea of how to give and receive love. I'm sure he does have some redeeming qualities. You wouldn't have fallen in love with him if he was a complete boob.

HOWEVER, unless he gets the help he needs (be it professional or whatever), he will probably fall back into old habits. You need to walk away at this point. This might be the "rock bottom" he needs to finally start DOING instead of WANTING to change. Rome wasn't built in a day, and his healing can't happen that quickly either.

Right now, the only thing you can do is worry about yourself (and your kids, if you have any).

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