Help! I need girl support


fly_eyez
on Apr 09, 2016 @ 12:05 am

I'm just absolutely falling apart.
I've been married for 10 months. I've been extremely ill for the last two years and FINALLY saw my surgeon. I'll try to keep it short and sweet (horrible). I'm not a candidate for surgery my case is far too complex (I saw a top doctor in his field). I'm devastated - I thought I would have surgery and I would get better and go back to work etc. I had severe chronic pain that only just got under control with new meds about a month ago. Now I have severe fatigue all the time bc of the same meds. So I've barely been able to do anything for two years and sometimes can't get out of bed. Eventually I will get to a point where I will need surgery - I will have to have a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. My surgeon wants to wait til the last minute to do it becsuse the surgery will only make my situation worse ( more scar tissue, pain). I told my husband and initially he was supportive. Now three days ago (two days after my surgeon appt) he told me he's tired of me being in bed all the time, it's the source of all our fighting bc I don't cook or clean like I used to BECAUSE I CAN'T! !!!! I don't want to be sick. In addition I have PTSD and he's tired of dealing with it. He's tired of taking care of me, tired of me being ill. He said I was the worst mistake of his life. He married me KNOWING I was so sick! He said everything wrong in our relationship is my fault. Two days ago he got an apartment and this weekend he's packing. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. How did this happen. How can he say he loves me only a few days ago, and wrote all this stuff on my bday card LAST WEEK and now he's leaving and divorcing me? I'm a fng mess! I'm a disaster. I can't eat. I keep having panic attacks. I cry non stop. Everything is out of my control and there's nothing I can say to make him stay. He's the love of my life. I don't believe in divorce. He isn't giving me a choice. What am I going to do? I can't breathe. My life feels like it's over. CELEBRITIES have been married for longer than me! I'm humiliated. I'm crushed. There are no words for how upset I am. I can't function. I don't even want to wake up in the morning.
Pls someone tell me I can change my user name here.

Omg I'm so upset. I haven't told anyone but my kids. I'm so so incredibly sick about this that I'm physically sick to my stomach. I've never felt like this in my life. I took those vows and meant them. And he didn't. He's being so cruel to me right now. It just makes me cry more. He's saying every mean thing a person could possibly say. Name calling, horrendous things... how do you love someone and then HATE them and be incredibly cruel just DAYS later. I think he was holding on until I got better and now that I'm not he's done with us. If it were him I would stay. NO QUESTION. I'm a wreck. He acts just fine and HAPPY & RELIEVED to be leaving me. This is the most painful thing I've been through. How do I just turn my feelings off? How did HE??? I don't even know him. This isn't the man I married - he's a cruel hateful stranger and I'm devastated.
 

54 Replies


Anonymous
help on Apr 09, 2016 @ 12:13 am

I;m so sorry. I have to be honest, a mate should always stand behind you and reassure you. True love is never looked at as a burden.This same thing happened to my daughter when she was sick.She still is but now she has a new man in her life that never complains and fully supports her when she is not doing too well.I do not like the fact you have to be in this situation. I'm not suggesting you leave him, only that you have to sit down and have a really good talk with him. He could be just scared. Please talk to him.
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coultlee
. on Apr 09, 2016 @ 01:00 am

First of all I can't imagine how you feel. He should be supportive he is your husband. Some men can't deal with sick. You need lots of love and support right now this isn't how you need to be treated. This is very serious and no idea how he can just walk out. I agree with Dolly, the two of you need to have a very long serious talk.
Have you got family that will help you get the help,that you need right now? This is so dis heartening. I hope things get better for you, this isn't fair at all..
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coultlee
. on Apr 09, 2016 @ 01:07 am

As for changing your user name, contact chick advisor I'm sure they will help
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prettyrainbow
help on Apr 09, 2016 @ 01:33 am

I wish I could offer you a big, comforting hug right now. I can understand why you're so upset and how devastated you must be. There are no words to express how sorry I am that you're going through this.

At a time like this, you'd expect a spouse to stick by you. After all, the vows say in sickness and in health, right? Only he knows what is really going on inside his head for having said what he said. He could be scared, like dollysgramma pointed out or had other expectations of what his life was supposed to be like and is choosing not to take responsibility for his role as a husband. It has nothing to do with you being tired or your inability to do chores around the house or the fact that you have PTSD. As someone who deals with severe chronic pain, I know that you are not able to lift a finger, at times, or that you need to stay in bed all day because the pain in excruciating. It can't be fully understood unless you're the one physically living it. What your situation deserves is more understanding and compassion, but people can sometimes overlook this and put the blame on you anyway, again, for reasons that have NOTHING to do with you!

When you say he knew what he was getting himself into before marrying you, could it be that up to this point, he didn't really understand the magnitude of the situation? Thinking you understand it and then living it are two different ball games. I think he's in shock and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings concerning all this. He took the wrong path and decided to take it out on you because that was the easiest thing for him to do. The hard part is dealing with it together for the rest of your lives, but when you really love someone, that's what you commit yourself to do, unconditionally. I would strongly suggest couple's therapy, considering he is willing to try and save your marriage and stick by you through your incredible time of need.

If, on the other hand, he refuses and chooses to move on in a separate direction, then you know your answer as to whether or not he is committed to you and what needs to be done from that point on. You shouldn't feel ashamed if it's only been 10 months. I know it's very hard having to accept his decision (that is, if he ends up making the one you suspect he will), especially when you went into the marriage with good intentions. Please don't give up on yourself because of it, or because of the status of your health. You have wonderful children who still need you and family and friends who will support you.

Is there a family member you can stay with for the time being? Maybe for a day or two until you can both wrap your heads around what happens next and to help your children cope as well. Giving each other some space to reflect upon what just happened, might calm the waters and possibly help him realize where he went wrong. In any case, you need to be around people who care about you right now.

Whatever you do, don't ever lose hope or lose sight of all the great things that are still in your life. I trust that something positive comes out of every situation, if you really believe in it. Miracles can and do happen. I will be praying that things get better for you with your health and personal life. If you need to vent or ask us for any other opinions, please let us know. We're here if you need a shoulder to lean on. Stay strong through this!!!

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prettyrainbow
. on Apr 09, 2016 @ 01:41 am

Just as @coultee said, just email ChickAdvisor about the username. I had it changed years ago, without any problems.

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fly_eyez
. on Apr 09, 2016 @ 03:12 am

Thank you girls. No, I have nowhere else to go. I'm alone here in this city with no close friends - I'm humiliated - I haven't even told my friends who I am close to that live in other cities / provinces. I have no parents and no family here other than my kids. Not even work friends. Since I moved to this city I was working from home. Then I got really sick before I was supposed to start my job in the Edmonton office (same provincial employer, different city).
He won't change his mind, he's already packed a bunch of stuff tonight and has friends helping him start to move tomorrow. He got an apartment right away back in his previous building before he moved into my house. He has a legal separation paper already drawn up dividing our assets waiting for me to sign at a notary public. I can't believe this. It's a living nightmare. It's all happening so fast. He is so hateful calling me every name imaginable. He won't be with me because I'm a different person sick. And I'm not taking care of his needs (cooking, cleaning, laundry). He says I'm just lazy and he's not dealing with my illness or PTSD anymore. How can you love a person, marry them, not abide by your vows (which are SACRED to me) and divorce me at my worst? He's sleeping like a baby beside me right now. He's happy and relieved to be leaving me. And the awful things he said - I can't get them out of my head. These are things I wouldn't even say to an enemy. Verbally attacking my children too! Who is this man? Why do I even still want to be with someone so horribly mean? But I do. I've loved him for a long time. I can't press a button and make my feelings go away. And, he Said he still loves me??!! That's not love! Marriage was forever to me. But I have no control, he's leaving. And is happy about it. I just sit here either dazed and hollow or crying uncontrollably. How am i ever going to pick up the pieces. My heart is shattered. Just shattered.
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Tracyr
. on Apr 09, 2016 @ 08:59 am

I am sending you huge hugs right now,I can't even begin to imagine the hurt you're going through now and how abandoned you must feel,like the other ladies said I don't know what your husband is thinking,but never forget all of us chicks are here for you always ,stay strong, you are a really great woman
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KrissiC
. on Apr 09, 2016 @ 09:09 am

I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug. Like you I take my vows very seriously. I agree with the other ladies, if he is willing get him into couples therapy. It is the very least that he owes you. He knew what your condition was when he married you and what it entailed. I wonder as well if he is afraid? Feels overwhelmed? Try to get him to sit down calmly with you and talk things out, in a neutral place like a therapist office.


As for the name calling...that's horrible. I'm so sorry he's treated you so poorly. People do strange and stupid things when they're frightened or upset, but it is not an excuse. Just know, this is not your fault, he has an equal hand in the relationship and it's his duty to let you know what's going on in his head.


Do you have any friends in your city you can lean on for support?


Changing user name is very easy. Just email chick advisor. I did earlier this month. They change it right away.
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coultlee
. on Apr 09, 2016 @ 10:27 am

This is horrible. No one deserves this treatment. Like pretty rainbow said if you need to vent we are all here for you....:) Sending lots of hugs your way..
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fly_eyez
Thanks on Apr 09, 2016 @ 11:52 am

No, I have no close friends in the city. Marriage counseling isn't an option - he's gone as I write this. He got up really early and started moving his things. Thank god I have my own PTSD therapist. I have an appt scheduled with her today. Thank you all for listening and offering support. I feel like the ultimate fool and I am so ashamed.
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