How do I get over him...

on Mar 22, 2009 @ 07:22 pm

My boyfriend and I just broke after 8 1/2 years. We have been on and
off for the last 4 years. I moved 3 hours away for a job 4 1/2 years
ago and everything has gone down hill. I always thought that he would
marry me. We had been together since I was 18. He has told me that he
loves me but is not in love with me and that he doesn't want to marry

He has been going out and partying a lot. He was not like that when we
were together. He is hanging out with new people and I think he is
maybe seeing or talking to someone, but he tells me he isn't. My heart
is absolutely broken. Whenever I go home, to the town he lives in,
where I am from, I go by his house and call him. I always think that
maybe he wants to see me or do something with me. I am always wrong.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't eat, sleep, I feel
like I am going crazy. I do a lot better when I am not in the same
town as him as far as calling goes. In fact I have 3 weeks without
calling him or emailing or sending him a facebook message. I just
don't get it. How can I care so much about someone and they don't feel
the same way? We have gone through a lot together and I always thought
they he would stick by me. He has made stupid excuses in the past for
not being with me like he doesn't want a big wedding and he doesn't
want kids. Yet he also told me the exact before. How do I get on with
my life and stop thinking about him? I keep thinking that if I leave
him alone he will come back. Deep down though I know he won't. I feel
so alone and deserted. I don't understand when or how he fell out of
love with me.

7 Replies

Ali de Bold
Pursuing him will chase him further away on Mar 23, 2009 @ 03:13 pm

First off, mleigh, I'm sorry to read this. I know this is really tough on you and we've all been there. It does get better :)

One thing I know forsure is that if you pursue someone who has broken up with you, it will push them further away and you will only continue to be hurt. The best thing you can do (in my opinion) is cut all contact. Don't call him, Facebook him or reach out to him in any way. He will go from feeling sorry for you (but not in love with you), to getting irritated with you. You don't want his last memories of you to be like that. I speak from personal experience here. It was humiliating.

If there is any chance for a reconcilliation, it will only happen if you are not there and he starts to remember the good times and wonder how you are doing. Then he may choose to follow up with you, if he hasn't moved on. There is obviously no guarantee, but most people run from those who chase them rather than vice versa.

On a side note, I know you've been together for roughly 8 years, but if he didn't know what he wanted for 8 years, what difference would the 9th or 10th year make? You deserve to be with someone who doesn't take a decade to decide if they want to start a life with you or not.

Moving on on Mar 23, 2009 @ 08:38 pm

Thank you so much for your advice. It is just so hard. I have a
feeling he has moved on already and it is devastating. I can't help
but wonder what I did or didn't do, why didn't he want to be with me.
I am scared that I will never meet anyone and that I will be single
forever. I wanted so badly to marry him and have children. He acts
like he was never even with me. I don't know how to stop thinking about him all the time. I feel like a little kid. I shouldn't be acting like this and be so upset if someone doesn't want to be with me. I know it takes time but it hurts so bad. It is like I sit around obsessing over it and analyzing every moment of our relationship. I just don't get it.

... on Mar 23, 2009 @ 09:08 pm

I agree with everything misschickie wrote. I could only add that what you are going through is totally normal and as the weeks/months go by it WILL get easier for you. You are going through a mourning process and it takes time to heal. Many of us have been in a similar situation....take this time to reflect on yourself and don't waste any energy you have on him because from the sound of things he definitely is not obsessing over you. And don't be upset with him because of this....I find that this is mainly a man thing :-)

* on Mar 23, 2009 @ 10:01 pm

I have been in the same situation babe and my god do I feel for you....
Maybe you 2 just grew apart? He has obviously moved on from the relationship, you need to aswell. Do not chase him, don't give him the satisfaction. Remain friends but move on. Try and keep yourself busy. Get involved in a sport, go out with the girls, maybe even a weekend get away, live a little.

If you ask me this is a blessing in disguise? Live life, move on and become yourself again. And remember that this wont hurt as much as it does now.....

i understand completely on Mar 24, 2009 @ 01:49 am

I've been there as well, so I empathize completely. I can only say now is the time to think about yourself. Go out with friends, pick up a new hobby. Whatever it is, don't sit at home and sulk. The more you get out there, the better you will feel.

Cutting off contact is also the best option. 3 weeks of no contact is so hard, so definitely give yourself props for that! Just leave him alone...he's stupid enough to have let you go already, why give him the gratification of having you waiting there?

I know you think you'll never find anything better now, but trust me, you will. You need to be with someone who knows what they want, not someone who gives you excuses. If it's already been 8 years of this and if your ex still doesn't know what he wants...he'll never know. Chalk it up to experience and move on to bigger better things. Live life your way. :)

Crappy on Mar 24, 2009 @ 11:00 pm

Like everyone else I'm sorry to hear this and like everyone else, I know from personal experience it sucks. As much as everyone says to "move on" I know it's so difficult to do.

For me, stick with your friends. I remember my friends would stand by me and listen to me vent for quite awhile. This was great of them. Sometimes I just needed to vent.

Next what I found to be helpful was to set little goals for yourself in not talking to him. Today is Tues night, set a goal to not to have any contact with him until Fri. When Fri comes, set another one to Mon. I found the little goals helped for me and before I knew it a week or 2 had passed.

It'll be difficult to move on but I know you can do it.

one of the hardest things on Mar 27, 2009 @ 12:44 pm

is to move on. But you will. Everyday that passes, is a day you've moved on and away from the sadness. Just keep yourself away from him, keep yourself busy with friends and family, and give yourself time to heal.

One thing is a must - you have to cut him out of your life cold turkey. And tell your best friends what you're up to so they can hold you accountable and be your strength when you weaken...

The longer you have any contact with him, the harder you'll make it on yourself. The oposite of love isn't hate, its indifference, and you have to build that in you. When you fill your life with other things, you'll slowly develop that, the tinted glass will fall, you'll not romanticize him more than he is, won't miss him the way you do now, won't feel that you love him the way you're feeling now, and see very clearly where your relatinoship failed and realize that you're better off without him.

This may sound a bit stupid, but I love listening to women empowerment / man basher songs like Stronger, If I were a man, Take a Bow, Say my Name, Survivor, Ain't that funny (j-lo), Shut up and Drive (chely wright), etc. and i find that helps... its just another way of focusing on your own strength and independence, and another reminder that everything was as peachy as it seems now. I think concentrating on your own power and the bad that was in the relationship helps bring focus to reality. Well, its better than romanticizing an otherwise horrid situation and making urself miss it for no reason..

You will get over this. Just cut him off and move forward...

Sorry i'm not sure if my ramblings made any sense...but thats my two cents anyways! I hope it helped..

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