on Mar 14, 2013 @ 09:28 am|
He’s my boyfriend’s best friend and I understand that they are close but I need some alone time. He shows up uninvited to our home almost every day and when we aren’t home, he calls to see where we are. I can’t stand him. His personality is horrible. He’s so rude. He expects the world to revolve around him. He’s 22 and won’t grow up. He’s jobless and lives off his dad. He doesn’t respond to me when I talk, it’s like I’m not there in my own home. He has no respect for anyone. He goes in our fridge, eats our food, and leaves…every day. My boyfriend grunts when the doorbell rings but won’t stick up to him. He just says, he’s my brother and he’s never done anything to you. Please, how should I solve this? I love my boyfriend so much and don’t want his brother ruining this for us. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
|so very tricky situation on Mar 14, 2013 @ 10:05 am|
So we've all seen those movies where the girlfriend tries to shoo off her boyfriend's friends because they smoke cigars and play poker, or they make crude jokes, or they are just not posh enough for her. Certainly you don't want to be "that girl". Goodness knows, some of our female friends or mothers/sisters probably drive our BFs/hubbies absolutely batty too.
Here's a hard truth: his joblessness and sponging off Dad is not your business, it's his Dad's.
An important exception is when it directly affects your relationship. When he's rude to you, constantly bums money/free meals off you, or cuts in on your couple time, then it's your business. If he's just generally a harmless boob, then your BF may have poor taste in friends but that's really his domain.
Are all of your BF's friends like this? This may indicate that he gravitates to this personality type and you will always be surrounded by this crowd. You need to think hard about your relationship in that case, because this will always be your reality. Even if your BF is amazing, you will start to resent him for his friends.
The fact that this is his brother is a problem. When you marry a guy, you really do marry his family. Doesn't mean you have to adore them, but you will have to coexist. He's young, he still has time to smarten up.
In the meantime, you need to set boundaries with your BF. Maybe this is an opportunity to spend more time with your girlfriends. If you know the brother is coming over, make plans of your own so you don't have to be there every time. Try putting the shoe on the other foot. If your BF asked you to limit a girlfriend's presence, what boundaries would you accept? Using this filter, perhaps you guys can come to an agreement about what is appropriate and what is too much.
|Girlfriend time sounds good. on Mar 14, 2013 @ 10:51 am|
Thanks for your advice. His friends aren't like this. I don't like his best friend but that's for an entirely different reason. You're right, I don't want to be the mean controlling girlfriend keeping him away from his family and friends. Maybe me leaving to see my friends will make him realize all the time his brother takes up. He might not be registering that just because I'm there doesn't mean we're spending time together.
|Get some me time on Mar 14, 2013 @ 01:57 pm|
You don't need to be BFFs with his brother, but you both should be able to co-exist in the same room. He should definitely have manners but as far as anything else goes (i.e. mooching), I wouldn't concern yourself with that. Like mamaluv said, it's his and his father's issue. Not yours. I think he should respect you and you should respect him and whether or not he likes it, your bf is kind of part of this. If you two can work something out where you agree to just be decent to each other, then maybe you can grow into some sort of relationship. I do also agree with mamaluv, if hes over, just leave. The brother may just be acting out because he thinks that you're taking your bf away from his brother. Give them some space. If he's over, leave and treat yourself to a mani!
|You need to set rules. on Mar 14, 2013 @ 02:33 pm|
To be honest, if it's your home as much as it is your boyfriend's home - You need to set some ground rules. This goes for homelife, as well as your love life. You don't have to be strict about it, but just make it clear to your boyfriend that it's upsetting you. Maybe stick something in there that you want to "make love" more often, but can't because his brother's always around.. That's one topic that most men can't ignore - and would do anything to cure, haha.
|Thanks! on Mar 14, 2013 @ 02:53 pm|
I pay most of the bills and do most of the work around the house but I made the decision of moving away from my friends and family and I live all around his. His family is very close to each other. His dad moved in the same apartment complex just to be with us!! (Whole other issue..) I agree I should try and be more welcoming becuase honestly, I'm not. I get grumpy everytime I hear the doorbell lol. I've tried the "making love" thing with no avail but I wasn't being completely serious so I will be next time.