How to move on after a break up

on Jan 16, 2009 @ 10:47 pm

Just broke up with my bf of 3 yrs. Met him at a party. We spent the next 3yrs partying a lot, getting drunk a lot, traveling a lot - basically being young and carefree. We got bored of partying and started talking about marriage and kids in the last 6mnths but it never felt right so after moving in together for 2 wks we called it quits.

Anyway i'm seeing on Facebook (i know i shouldn't still be checking but its hard!) that he's going out, adding lots of new female "friends", lots of posts from girls i never heard of (innocent msges).. its only been 1.5wks! How can he be so fine?? I go out with my girl friends and we take pix (we always do) but i dont put them up cos i dont want him to think im rubbing it in that i'm going out.

I feel like what he said about wanting to settle down was a lie. He's the one that brought up marraige! I never stopped him from going out. I know he's going out more to forget about the breakup but its been 1.5 wks.. we were together for 3yrs! isnt there a period of mourning??

Sorry to go on, but friends been telling me i should just get out and have "casual rships", no point moping cos i'll forget about him 1 day anyway.

How do i move on? I feel sad, really hurt, paranoid and embarrassed. I initiated the breakup but y is he more fine than i am?? its not even 2 wks!

11 Replies

Anonymous 3546
Just broke up on Jan 17, 2009 @ 01:52 am

just because he is going out lots does not mean he is ok. It means he is keeping busy. Lots of people do this so they don't think or feel too much. In fact, he may be doing this because you were the one to break up with him.

If you really want to let go then wish him the best in your heart every time you think of him and say I let go.

You must take care of you now. Go to the spa, go for a drive, read, journal do things that make you feel at peace.

What do you get out of looking at him on Facebook besides pain?

Think about what you really, really want in life and focus on that. Maybe even do a dream board. Then make it happen.

Take care of yourself.

Same thing on Jan 17, 2009 @ 08:39 am

You are where I was 3 months ago... I empathize with you...

What I did is that I disabled my facebook account for about a month... I didn't want to see what you keep seeing. Gave myself some time to get use to the idea of being a lone.

We use to live together and do everything together for 85% of our relationship. Going from that to sitting in my new house alone in the dead winter is not a lot of fun. I'm still in a very shitty place, but it's very slowly passing. Since we have dual custody of our puppy, I see her a lot. To be honest with you at first it was very dificult, but then it became easier and easier to see her. Now I see her, and it's as if it's just another girl I know, but I'm really close with. We remain great friends even though she already has a new boyfriend.

I'm not going to ruin my friendship with her just because our relationship didn't work out.

She's good people so it makes it easier for me to try hard at maintaining the friendship.

I agree on Jan 17, 2009 @ 02:12 pm

Just because he is keeping busy does not mean that he does not feel it. It may actually mean that he is feeling it and that he is trying to keep so busy to try to not feel it.

I fully agree with Jennifer, now is the time to focus on YOU and what keeps and makes you happy. Don't concern yourself with what he is doing. That is for him to do. You should concentrate on you.

As Sam2 said, maybe take a break from facebook for awhile if you can't stop yourself from looking at his profile. Looking at his facebook is not doing anything to serve your well being, all it is doing is stirring up emotion and pain that is keeping you from moving forward at this point.

Take care. It WILL get better.

The Joy of Facebook on Jan 17, 2009 @ 05:05 pm

Facebook can be so evil. Yes it helps us to keep in touch/snoop with others... but often the tool can hurt us waay more than benefit us!

"How can he be so fine?? I go out with my girl friends and we take pix (we always do) but i dont put them up cos i dont want him to think im rubbing it in that i'm going out."

Girl, I was thinking and did exactly the same thing after my break up. I was trying to be sensitive to him about the whole situation. But that didn't stop him -- esp not his friends from posting up all those photos. They can be heart-wrenching to see.

"we were together for 3yrs! isnt there a period of mourning??"

I thought this too. My ex was with someone new so soon after... and then lied to me about it as well. But what I learned through all this is that everyone has their own way of dealing with a break-up. Some will rush into someone new right away, others will mourn and cry. This is really hard I know... but you cannot stop him from doing what he wants to do and how he chooses to deal with it.

It's funny.. because most women are so much more inclined to do the mourning thing. Men (- but not all of them) appear to be so much better at finding distractions to get over the hurt; especially by dating new women and finding new girlfriends.

If seeing all these things he's doing on FB is hurting you, then perhaps the only way end it might be to just cut him off and block him. Trust me, it's a difficult thing to do.

But if seeing what he is doing everyday on FB is hurting you far more... then why would you check and put yourself through that pain? And let's be honest here... if you keep him as a friend, you will check to see what he is up to. I'm sure he does the same with you too. You're not cutting him off from the rest of your life - it's only Facebook. And if you do choose to keep him out of your life forever, that's up to you as well. Many people choose not to stay friends at all with their exes, and there is a reason for it. But that's for you to decide later on...

You might have to cut him out for now... just for the sake of your own sanity.

But most importantly, focus on your own awesomeness! Take it one day at a time. You will get through this. And you will be so much stronger.

Ali de Bold
PREACH, girl! on Jan 17, 2009 @ 06:38 pm

Great advice Artist! I agree with what everyone has said.

I agree with Artist! on Jan 17, 2009 @ 06:43 pm

....sounds like some advice I recently gave to a friend! ;o)

Maybe he's moving on, maybe its something else? on Jan 18, 2009 @ 11:09 pm

I'm going to sound very paranoid here but heres my paranoia thoughts anyways :)

You're the one that broke off the relationship, so perhaps he's adding all this new girl friends, and showing off his fun moving-on-with-life pictures spefically so you see them and you realize what you lost when you lost him? After all no one likes being the dumped, so perhaps this is his way of making you jelous? making you want him back, etc? Maybe he just wants you to see him having fun, get jelous realize your mistake in leaving him and and go after him, maybe he just wants to have the last laugh so to speak....?

Here's the thing, you broke up with him and i'm sure theres a good reason behind it. so breakups happen for a reason right? and it happens to us all i'm sure, that after the breakup, we sort of forget all the reasons for the breakup, we romanticize the ex and build or emphasize characteristics that wasn't there.... So quit doing that. :)

I know this is very hard to do and i also know that almost all of us including me have been in this situation where you have to make a decision thats good for you. You have to decide one of the three

i) you want to get back with the person...
the problem with that is, really the reasons why you broke up is still there, so chances of the relationship working out is slim

ii) you want to remain just friends with this persion...
this is obviously hard to do for all of us, and for you i don't think this is possible. You're causing yourself too much pain by trying to somehow stay in touch with his life. You have to do whats good for you!! and imo this isn't a good choice

iii) you want to move on and cut him completely from your present and future...
first step to doing this, delete him and block him from your facebook. If you have friends on your facebook who are really his friends, delete them too.

A friend of mine told me that some situations require the bandaid technique - we need to take it off in one shot.

anyways best of luck and this is very cliche but time really does heal, or at least put a coating over wounds :)


I still check up on my ex's on Jan 19, 2009 @ 01:28 pm

Its a curiosity thing now lol but i still do it! It takes time to beable to do it without feling give yourself time! the advice you got was dead on...block delet and post your own darn pics! its ok to be having fun and moving on and beleive me if hehas a problem with it he will delete and block you too. So take a page from his book and focus on YOUR hapyness:)

Taking care of yourself... another point on Jan 19, 2009 @ 07:59 pm

You say

"... friends been telling me i should just get out and
have "casual rships", no point moping cos i'll forget about him 1 day

You think rightly that there should be a mourning period. Not necessarily that you need to hole yourself up with a cheap bottle of wine and load your iPod full of sad breakup songs, but that you need a breather. There's a reason it's called a rebound relationship.

I'd suggest that you not date, even casually, for a little while to reset yourself. Get your emotions sorted out before you have dinner with someone and proceed to cry into your soup (you'll never get a second date that way). We know how we can be; either sad or angry after a bad break and it spills out at the least appropriate times - to the cashier, with a gossiping coworker, or worse.

Artist is right - focus on yourself. Healing, calming down, and reminding yourself why you are a catch. In my honest opinion, it's far too early for you to start seeing anybody, no matter how casually, even if your ex is. You almost married the guy! It is a big deal.

I understand the need to feel desired, admired, etc., but that'll all
still be there in a few months when you've had some time to get over
this. In the meantime, enjoy the freedom of not having to check with someone before you book a Girls' Night Out, or worrying about shaving your legs everyday. There are perks to singleness and you won't be single forever.


^ on Jan 19, 2009 @ 08:07 pm

100% with everything mamaluv wrote

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