I am Broken :(

on Aug 10, 2016 @ 03:15 pm

Since I've been a member of CA I have found this place to be so much more than just a product review site with the occasional perk of being selected for amazing campaigns.

I've developed friendships and have been able to give and recieve advice from you awesome beauties for pretty much anything. I'm telling this to all of you before I even tell my best friend.

It's been a tough few weeks for me emotionally and last night pretty much broke what was left of my heart and spirit.

For those of you who know me or have read my posts, you know I've been chronically ill and off work for the last 2.5 years & I have PTSD. Despite this, I try to take care of myself, keep a positive attitude, and make my husband a priority. I am slowly getting better with medication changes and intensive weekly therapy for my PTSD. I do what I can, when I can but I am often in pain, confined to bed, unable to cook, clean, garden, bake, take care of the house, and all the other things I used to do. I do not enjoy living in an untidy home any more than he does (who am I kidding?! It's beyond untidy, it's pretty much a disaster all of the time). But if I don't do it, no one else will. I try my best but it's just not good enough. He initially left me and moved out in April only to soon regret his decision. We've been working on our marriage while still living apart and attended one horrible counseling session in which we essentially paid a therapist to listen to us fight.

Well, today I find myself at a complete loss and feeling incredibly alone. My husband of just over a year has left me yet again because of my illnesses and my inability to be a good wife. This time it's for good. He's starting the legal separation process today. Last night's fight started because we haven't had sex in about 4 weeks. Usually, no matter how much pain I'm in or how sick I feel, I make sure we do not let our sex life suffer. This has been an exceptionally long time for us and is definitely not the norm. Several things, including him having a week and a half long bout of food poisoning, him being out of town for work and a two week period where we barely saw each other all contributed to this lack of intimacy. I was really sick last night and in pain. He assumed he wasn't getting sex so he got upset. That made me feel like a piece of meat. I tried talking to him about it and things escalated to the point where he said horrible things to me, called me a bunch of terrible names, ordered me to give him back all my jewelry including my wedding rings, told me he wasted the last few years of his life on me and then called me more ugly names. I'm so incredibly hurt and just feel destroyed. And a complete failure.

I'm 39 and this is my first marriage. I never wanted to get married unless it was FOR LIFE. I never wanted to let divorce be an option. And now, here I am, just giving up. I can't keep doing this over and over - him leaving me because I'm sick. It's destroying me and making me feel worthless and a bad wife. I NEVER would have left him for being sick!

I'm not looking for advice this time. I'm going to accept it's over so I can just grieve and give up on the hope I kept in my heart every single time he left me in the past several years for one reason or another.

I know it's going to be a long, hard, emotional process that only time will heal. I hope. I can't exactly hit a button and stop loving him.

I even sent a panicked email to CA admins last night asking for a short extension to complete my Vichy review. My head is just not able to function right now.

I know I'm not the first person with a failed marriage, and I won't be the last.

Is there anything you girls would recommend in the coming weeks and months to keep me from falling apart? A website that offers positive thinking or inspirational stories maybe? It has to be something that I can do that's not physical (because of my illness and very low energy) and something that doesn't require a lot of brain power because mine feels like mush right now.

I think I'm feeling depressed. And definitely worthless.

There's also something I have to get off my chest and just get out of my system because I'm so humiliated and I feel so degraded.

My husband has never been abusive (but he's Greek, so he's a yeller when arguing). A few weeks ago I said some nasty things about his deceased mother who we took care of last year while she was dying. I only knew her for a year because she lived in another province and wasn't involved in my husband's life much until she moved here. She was neglectful and emotionally abusive to him as a child, always abandoning him for men and letting her only child, (as a pre-teen) live on the streets!!! In a heated moment I let out some anger and resentment I'd been feeling towards her when we were caring for her and she was awful to him - outright to his face, always in a snarky, passive aggressive manner - and also behind his back to me, his wife! She stole from him, used him & made him feel incredibly guilty. She was pretty awful to me and my children as well. But I felt sorry for her. I took care of her 24/7, all while I was sick myself. I had to let it out, but I took it too far.

This is very, very difficult for me to say because I cannot even process it in my own mind. He spit in my face. It was so degrading. I haven't been able to fully let it go, even though he apologized profusely.

I don't know who my husband is anymore. I cannot believe he could do that to me.

So, I'm not looking for advice, and definitely not pity. I just wanted to share my feelings and get it off my chest with a bunch of lovely women who have always been very supportive and helpful.

Thank you all for that.

27 Replies

Hugs on Aug 10, 2016 @ 04:14 pm

Hi - I have seen a few of your posts, and I think even responded to them in the past. I have no insightful words of wisdom to offer you... except that I understand how good it feels to have a "safe" place like this where we can all talk.. and that you are welcome to do so anytime. I, and others, will always listen. I wish I had more advice or help to offer... but I respect your need to share to vent and will always take the time to read.

Take care, take strong, keep opening up when you can.

Hugs from the East Coast.

Hugs on Aug 11, 2016 @ 02:42 am

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through!
I hope you will feel better as time goes. In terms of a
website, enotalone is great for grieving and relationships problems.
That website has helped me a great deal whenever I go through crisis.
All the best to you!

. on Aug 11, 2016 @ 08:39 am

I have followed your posts and my heart breaks for you , you seem like such a sweet person and you don't deserve to be treated so horrible by someone who suppose to love and support you ,you have an illness ,you can't be held accountable for that ,any real man would step up to the plate and treat you with the respect and love you deserve,in my opinion you deserve much better than him,he sounds like a coward and it seems like he plays mind games with you ,big hugs ,take care

Hugs on Aug 11, 2016 @ 08:57 am

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Sometimes when things are going really bad I repeat the words "this too shall pass" until I feel a bit better. I know that's not great advice but it helps me to "reset" my mind frame when I find myself going to dark and hopeless places. You can do this. Don't give up and you'll see, this will pass. I also like to try new hobbies or interests when I'm alone... keep the mind busy, that helps.

:( on Aug 11, 2016 @ 10:03 am

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time. I want to punch your husband in the face!

Honestly, it's not up to me to tell you 'you're better off without him' because I can only imagine how painful this must be for you.

However, IMO, he is very emotionally abusive to you, so try and stay strong and don't let his mind games make you feel bad about yourself. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to stay strong though this.

Though I also suffer from bad mental illness that makes my life very difficult I have an extremely supportive and loving partner.

To have your partner make you feel badgered into sex and less of a human being for not doing it is definitely emotional abuse in my book! Your husband doesn't deserve you at all and you deserve so much better!

Sending you all the love and hope in the world. <3

. on Aug 11, 2016 @ 11:42 am

I applaud you for sharing so much, I wish you all the positivity going forward. Hope this is the start of everything getting better/new beginnings.

I would recommend getting an e-reader... I've downloaded so many free books from my library that I normally wouldn't read and it's free to download and you never have to go to the library to make returns/pickups. One book that was amazing was Finding Me by Michelle Knight about her kidnapping. It's basically a real story of the worst possible situation/years this woman went through (very dark and hard to read it's so bad), but her mental positivity throughout was so remarkable and she really took back her life. No matter how bad it gets there's other women in the same boat, or worse off so keep on going forward.

If I think of any websites I'll post them, drawing a blank right now.

:( on Aug 11, 2016 @ 11:48 am

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you have some people IRL who can support you emotionally and mentally.

Do feel free to reach out here, even if it is just to vent or cry.

You are not alone!


hugs on Aug 11, 2016 @ 12:15 pm

I think your very brave for sharing your story with us. You are not worthless! Your husband on the other hand is! You deserve to have a man who will look out for you, stand up for you, stand by you and treasure you. It is not your fault you are ill. A good husband would try to help you through and be more understanding.
He emotionally abuses you and spitting in your face? My dear, you are a much better person than I am...cuz he would've got it right back!
Reading could certainly keep your mind off things. I agree with crystal jam, feel free to vent here...we are here for you. Please take care of yourself!

:) You are an amazing person! Don't forget that!!! on Aug 11, 2016 @ 01:53 pm

While I don't have the same PSTD or husband challenge that you have experienced, I too have severe Mental disabilities that hold me back much in the way you have described. I do understand what you feel with the house, energy level and all of that. Please know that you are doing what you can, and moment by moment is a good pace!
I am fortunate that my husband does understand Depression even when we argue, it all gets resolved in the end. That said, the stress, heartache and anguish you are feeling is understandable. Please know it will go away with time. You don't deserve to have anger, horrible words and any of what you described thrown at you.
There is a program called Bounce Back...maybe take a look at it to see if that may be of some help?
I know all the ladies on here are so amazing and am so proud of you to be able to use your voice and talk about that is going on. That will also help you heal, by not keeping it all in.
Please do feel free to friend me.
I can look through more of my paper work that I have to try and find some sites or suggestions. Bounce Back was just on the top of my head.
Sending you hugs! Remember that you are worth so much more than a bad argument. While being separated will be hard and emotional, the space is good for you to heal. You will have a much calmer area around you (dishes piled up or not! Joke about the dust bunnies being your friend! Many of us are right there with you)
Please do keep your chin up, and remember when everything feels like it's overwhelming or too much, take a step back, mentally make yourself 'Breathe'. Feel your inhale and exhale breaths. Sounds silly, but it helps to shut your mind to what else is going on and just focus on one thing...you! Your body! and know you will come out of this healthy.

I am sending you big love on Aug 11, 2016 @ 02:05 pm

You will go through this, how hard it's going to be will depend mostly in your attitude. Sometimes we fight so hard for something when what's going to make us happy is just waiting around the corner.
I got married thinking it was going to be for life and I fought for my marriage as much as I could. I thought divorce wasn't an option for me, until it was the only option to get on with my life and be happy again.

I am a very positive person, I work from home so I connect a lot during the day but not to this site. If you want, write me a private message and we can be in contact. I can send you encourage messages every day and I would be more than happy just to listen to you whatever you want to share.

Remember your worth that it's not in your husband feelings but in you as a person, as a woman. Think about all the people that love you. Don't be afraid to look for extra affection in your family and friends. I am sure they will be there for you. And take one step at a time. Concentrate in every single day and don't think about the past or punish you with things you could have done different.

Big hug!

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