I don't want to ruin this relationship because of past heartbreaks.

on Jan 17, 2013 @ 08:08 pm

I don't exactly know how to start this so I'm just going to dive in. 

I am dating a guy that I have known for years. We have liked each other but always kind of gone our own way because we were always at different places in our lives. 

We always kept in touch. We talk about anything from deep world issues to dumb random things and can talk for hours. I've never connected with someone like this ( I've had a few long term relationships ) . Our connection is deep and other people even comment on it. 

We finally took the leap and made it official fall 2012. I was nervous because I've had my heart broken in ways that I thought I couldn't recover from. For him I wanted to try. 

He lives in my home town and I am 2.5 hours away. I moved here when I was single about a year in a half ago. I go home about twice a month for about 4 nights each. 

Lately I am feeling my old relationship insecurities creep up. It is like I over think EVERYTHING. I know it is wrong and only hurting myself. I am a strong confident funny outgoing girl but at times I think things that are so pathetic. 

I tell myself long distance never works. He wants other people. I can't keep him interested. 

Blah blah blah.  
I know I think these things because of how I've been hurt in the past but I don't want to ruin this relationship because of it.

Things I have loved about his personality like him being blunt, honest, saying whatever, saying someone is attractive never bothered me before. Now It is like I am butchering every thing I used to love like he has a motive and is the enemy. 

I've noticed it most the last couple of weeks. I was home for Christmas for nearly 3 weeks. It was amazing and we had a blast with friends/family/each other. He wasn't working because he had the time off. Then I came back.Now he is literally working 7 days a week for a couple of months. I feel like he isn't interested in me or missing me.

I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. He assures me I'm it for him and he is completely happy and loves me. He even said " honestly these couple weeks have been a blurr because I'm working my ass off. It isn't that I don't miss you I just don't have the time to really think enough to dwell on it" 

I appreciate him being honest but I feel crazy that this is eating at me. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to build confidence? Stop reading into things and over analyzing them? 

I don't want to be that chick starting arguments about nothing because I'm insecure. How do I stop it before I create a self fulfilling prophecy? 

Thank you for your advice.

I'm like a bag of emotions and THIS IS NOT MY PERSONALITY :/

7 Replies

Been there on Jan 17, 2013 @ 11:47 pm

I'm married and I still feel like I don't deserve my husband even tho he is wonderful and treats me like a queen plus he is a amazing father.. I do know how you feel and if you need someone to talk too. I'm hear for ya.

LDRs are tricky but they can work on Jan 18, 2013 @ 09:47 am

I was in a long distance relationship with my now-husband for almost our entire dating time. After we were married, he spent 2 study semesters in Europe while I stayed back home (long story, nothing bad). Here are some observations I made during those times:

1. Yes, it's entirely possible to get caught up in your life/work/school when away from your partner such that communication can get a little patchy. Part of not seeing each other constantly doesn't exactly make you forgetful but "out of sight, out of mind" can occasionally happen.

2. Being back together after time away can come with growing pains. We used to call it "getting used to each other again". You can be intimately familiar with each other based on your shared past, but flip-flopping between your LDR and having actual face time requires an adjustment period. It's very easy to misinterpret each other's actions/comments AND it's normal to feel a little off sharing your personal space since you're also trying to make up for lost time when those rare moments of togetherness present themselves.

3. It's totally normal to project negative feelings from past failed relationships onto your new relationship. I think this is true of every relationship, not just LDRs. The fact that you are long distance just makes it feel more intense.

I think your bad feelings are merely what most of us do: we all tend to over-analyze, we all tend to let baggage creep into our relationships. What can you do to regain your confidence? Work on getting rid of that baggage in the first place! The fact that it's affecting THIS relationship is probably more coincidental than anything else. Build yourself up, enjoy your hobbies, find ways to minimize your everyday stress, etc.

Lastly, I scoff at the idea that LDRs "never work". That's absolutely not true so don't allow this myth to cast a shadow over your relationship. It IS true that LDRs are harder, but love is a verb, not an emotion. If this relationship is important enough to you, you will find a way to make it work. If you have a real future together (i.e. marriage or equivalent), eventually you and your man will have to find a way to be together full-time. It's probably a little early to start talking about one of you moving if you've only been together for less than 6 months, but that conversation needs to happen soon.

Good luck and keep us posted! We're all here for you :)

Wish you the best. on Jan 18, 2013 @ 11:12 am

I've honestly never been in a long distance relationship, but it's going to happen eventually since my boyfriend is in the Navy.. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it.

I just want to say that I wish you the best of luck with things, and if you ever need another chick to chat with about things - I'd be more than willing to come with open ears.


Trust. on Jan 28, 2013 @ 02:24 pm

I think the biggest issue here is, obviously, trust. No matter how much he tells you he loves you, because you've been hurt in the past, those words don't hold a whole lot of meaning. I know it's much easier said than done, and I think everyone does this at some point in their lives, but just take a deep breath and have some faith.

Subconsciously you may even be trying to sabotage the relationship...you think it's too good to be true, and you're trying to "test" him. Making fights out of nothing, projecting your fears onto situations that don't warrant them...you're pushing away to see if he'll care enough to pull you back. Like I said, everyone does this (or I do at least) to some extent at some point in their lives. All I can say is don't push too hard, because he may see it as a sign of you losing interest or changing your personality.

If he acknowledges that he's busy at work, I wouldn't stress it. And if you guys know each other that well, i'm sure you can just be honest and tell him you're worries. Say "I know this is crazy and completely dumb, but I feel like because we're so far apart you may be losing interest". This will give him a little hint to send you more messages throughout the day or try and make time for a surprise visit.

The main thing I learned from being in a LDR is you need to be VERY specific about your feelings. No one is a mind reader, but especially when technology is your main means of communication, things can get very skewed. When you're reading his texts and implying your own tones and pauses into it, his simple "ok have a nice day" text can sound really mean or rude, even though that's not the way he intended it. So just be open and honest, and try not to self sabotage. Best of luck to you!

thank you so much on Jan 28, 2013 @ 09:51 pm

You are all so right. I know that at time I do let the walls I have built due to others stay standing when I should break them down. I am slowly but surely working on that. Old habits die hard, that may sound silly but it is oh so true!

He and I are doing great right now. If I stop and think " why the hell are you feeling this way?" I can break it down and see the FACTS instead of the FEAR.

The fear of feeling heartbreak again or being treated badly is something I will have to learn to cope with. I mean if he messes this up then it will sincerely be his loss. I need to let go of insecurities or comparing myself to other women.

At times I feel like myself ( confident, outgoing, funny, loving..etc) and then at other times I let myself sink back into the insecure thoughts and fears.

I think the fact that I can acknowledge that I do this is a good thing, now I can consciously work to stop that way of thinking. LDR is not ideal but on the bright side 2.5 hours is not that far and I am usually able to see him every two weeks at the longest.

I got so good at being single and strong before him. These feelings can be intimidating to have. I know that if he and I both work through this time where distance is the challenge then we will have a better shot down the road. Relationships will always face a challenge. This is just one of them.

Thank you for your advice and care. It can be hard living away from him the hometown family I left. Nearly 24 and still get homesick at times! lol

Good to hear! on Jan 29, 2013 @ 03:36 pm

Glad you're doing well right now.

And don't worry, everyone has these lapses! Even the most confident women feel insecure at times, they just don't let it show. It's perfectly natural, and you're right that being able to catch yourself doing it is a great thing. It's when we let ourselves get carried away with those crazy insecurities that we start to lose the battle!

Overcoming things (such as a LDR) together will make you guys stronger in the long run, so hang in there and be patient with the situation.

Just remember that even though you may have built a nice mansion while you were single, it's going to get awful lonely in there eventually. And no one wants to stand outside the door forever, so start breaking the walls down...or at least install a door :)

Good for you! on Jan 29, 2013 @ 04:04 pm

You said what I would say too. After being single, you thicken your skin and work hard to be independent because you don't want anyone to hurt you. When you start a new relationship, it feels like you're relinquishing that independence and becoming vulnerable again.

I like to think of my husband not as my other half, but as my other whole. We try to think of our relationship as 1 1 = 1. You are still yourself, all the lessons you've learned over the years are still part of your accumulated wisdom. It's good to bring this experience with you as long as you are deploying your useful skills rather than hanging onto the baggage.

I definitely agree with lissag that you have to be really careful about text/email interaction. It is easy to misinterpret, and we all know that men/women communicate differently. Trust is going to be a huge leap of faith, but think of it as good practice since every solid relationship needs trust in abundant supply.

And girl, I'm in my 30s and still feel a little homesick :) You're not the only one. If you have a healthy relationship with your family, this will only benefit your romantic relationship! Eventually you will have a family of your own and moms & dads need the support of family.

It sounds like you guys are in a good place right now, so take confidence in that and just know that every relationship has its bumps. Yours probably is secure in areas that others struggle, so it all works out in the end.

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