I feel like a slave sometimes..

on Dec 27, 2012 @ 08:18 am

Been made redundant and because of circumstances I've had to move in with boyfriend. 

A month ago I've had a major knee surgery. 
So now I'll be off for the next 3 months.

While I'll be the one to be home 24/7, is it wise that he demands I cook, wash and clean for him?
I get he is the only working person but is it unfair, that I do everything. 
He doesn't help in anything.
I just feel so used.


12 Replies

Girlfriend not a live-in maid! on Dec 27, 2012 @ 09:38 am

You're not a live-in maid. While it's understandable that he would ask you to contribute to the household when you are living together, I am assuming you are also paying rent which makes you an equal partner, not a maid. You've also just had knee surgery so asking you to clean and take care of everything is a bit much. Maybe list the chores and responsibilities and offer to take a few but then leave him some as well. I especially think it's important that he clean up after himself. That's just common courtesy.

pitching in, but not being a doormat on Dec 27, 2012 @ 10:05 am

I'm going to sound old fashioned, so forgive me in advance.

I personally think that if one partner is primarily providing for the household outside of the home, the other partner should primarily provide for the household inside of the home. Of course, this does not mean one person does 100% of the housework.

It does mean though that all things being equal, one person works an 8-hour day at the office/wherever and the other person works an 8-hour day at home. Working at home includes everything from childcare to fetching groceries or folding laundry, and it's very easy to forget that an office job usually ends at 5pm but a house job lasts until bedtime and beyond.

An ungrateful husband or boyfriend expects to come home to a clean house, prepared dinner, and that the little lady will also wash up the dishes, bathe the kids, and fetch him his beer during the evening.

Ideally, whoever stays at home should (if physically able) try to keep up the household tasks during normal working hours and then all after-hours chores should be shared 50/50. If you think of your new day job as being a housekeeper, then know that your quitting time is 5pm just like anyone else. After that point, any division of chores should be equal.

I know a couple where the wife stays at home with the kids. The moment her husband comes home, she requires him to take care of the kids all by himself, cook and clean up dinner, etc while she takes a long bath or goes out with friends. Her thinking is that she's been working hard keeping the kids all day long and so now she deserves a break. But what she forgets is that her husband has been working hard all day long too, so there is no logic in her argument.

What I'm getting at is that you should probably pick up most of the household responsibilities during the time while he's working outside of the home, assuming your injured knee is healthy enough to do so. However, he needs to do his part during the off hours too.

sorry... on Dec 27, 2012 @ 11:19 am

When it rains it pours. Being laid off and becoming financially dependent on your bf, moving in with him and having knee surgery can't have been easy.

Ok that being said, considering you got laid off and moved in with bf, I'm assuming you're not paying rent? Actually regardless whether you're paying rent or not, my opinion would be the same. And that is, since you're living together you have to work together in a partnership. He's working outside the house, so you should do your share of the partnership and do work inside the house. I understand it can be awkward to cook and clean for someone else but try to think of it this as a partnership and you're doing this to pull your weight, maybe that way you won't feel so bad about doing it? Also, would you expect him to come home and cook, clean, do laundry after working all day?

I think mamaluv's opinion is bang on so I don't have much to add to that.

Only thing is, don't think of gender roles here and try not to feel bad about it. Think of you two as a partnership and you're doing your part of the partnership.

My husband works full time, but because of his odd hours he's sometimes home during the day. On days when he's home while I'm at work he takes care of all the cooking and cleaning. Even the days when he has work in the afternoon, he'll cook something quick so we have food to eat at night. I cook and clean on weekends as that's the only time I'm free during the day. It's a partnership. It's not a matter of what's "fair", but a matter of being partners, having eachother's back, and convenience.

@mamaluv: the wife you mentioned, I see how she can feel bad that she's staying home working all day with the kids ,but I agree, she's forgetting her husband worked all day at work too so her going out and leaving the kids with him at night isn't fair for him. Too bad they can't spend their evenings together spending good family time with the kids together. That way the work / pressure / load isn't on any one parent, and the children are getting to enjoy their parents together, and both partners are getting to spend time together too.

I don't know but whenever I try to measure what's "fair" in a relationship instead of considering him and me as "us", I run into problems.

There is no "fair" in us, nor should there necessarily be on Dec 27, 2012 @ 12:17 pm

I think there are seasons in relationships, and in any given season one partner is shouldering more of one burden than the other.

In my humble opinion, as soon as you are in a committed relationship, you have to leave such things like keeping score at the door. It will never be 100% equal, but in a loving relationship where each partner is genuinely trying their best, it will always even out in the end. I completely agree with Becky - couples run into problems when they think of their individual needs above the needs of their partnership. It's a super fine line between being a doormat and giving 150% to your relationship but it is one that can be managed. If both partners are giving 150%, then little nitpickings like who loaded the dishwasher most recently is completely irrelevant.

Fair on Dec 27, 2012 @ 10:20 pm

I don't think "demanding" is the right thing to do under any circumstances and he should understand you were injured and need time to heal because you don't view this as a permanent situation. However, I do think its fair that while you are home that the house should be kept. That isn't servitude, its working together. Good luck!

Fair. on Dec 31, 2012 @ 06:22 pm

Honestly, I think this is completely fair of him to ask. But, there is also a difference between him asking (or talking about it) and being demanding.. If you are going to be home, and he is going to be the one who is earning the household income - I believe it would be courteous of you to help out around the house, as much as you possibly can. That's a true partnership!

Ali de Bold
He needs to pitch in on Dec 31, 2012 @ 11:40 pm

You are recovering from knee surgery not lazing about. I think it is reasonable for him to expect you help out but not that you do everything. The fact he is doing nothing says a lot about him. He feels you owe him. This is not a good way to build your relationship. I would ask if you can agree on a set list of things you will do and also what he will do. He can't do nothing. You're not his housekeeper.

he needs to help out on Jan 04, 2013 @ 03:51 am

I agree with Ali. You are not lazing around, you just had surgery and are still in recovery. I would expect him to be more understanding and helpful. After all isn't that what relationships are all about? Not keeping count of who does what constantly. I would expect in such a situation both partners to be reasonable... him to understand that you are recovering and are not his maid, nor do you owe him anything, and well, you should do your best to be as tidy as possible and make an effort. Moving in is hard enough as it is. Just tell him, if he was in your position how would he like if you acted the way he is?

I couldn't handle that. on Jan 04, 2013 @ 11:41 am

My husband has always bin the type if he see's something that needs done he just does it and he does make me feel bab because I haven't gotten to it yet. I don't have to ask him for help with any job around the house when he's home. I'm a stay at home mom and he works, but when he gets home, or on his days off he's right in there helping me out. He vacuums, dusts, does the dishes and laundry, makes beds, he even does windows!!LOL The only room in the house he won't clean is the bathroom and he can't fold the laundry. Then he does all of the out side work around our home and only helps me out in my gardens if I ask him to. So having a man like yours would make me crazy! I couldn't handle that and you shouldn't either, no woman should!! There is no reason for a working man not to help out around his own home even if you don't have children.
In your situation he should be helping you out even more so you can heel after your surgery, not make you work. After all it's his home too!! I don't care if he's paying for all the bills either, I don't pay for a thing and my husband never complains about it or tells me I need to do this or that because he's the money maker. That's no partnership if you ask me. You need to sit him down and let him know how you feel about this, after all its not the 50's any more and you need the time to heel properly. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice then that. I just hope things get better for you soon. No matter what you decide to do good luck to ya.

Sorry about that on Jan 04, 2013 @ 11:44 am

I was rushing and didn't look at my spelling.LOL I meant to say he doesn't make me feel bad!!

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