I forgot our first year anniversary and boyfriend got extremely angry


Anonymous
on Oct 15, 2010 @ 01:20 am

Today was our first year anniversary, I completely forgot because I came down with a serious case of diarrhea last night and all day today I was unbelievably sick. I'm not even being over dramatic, I had to stay near the rest room all day, all I could think of was the pain and not having an accident. I texted my boyfriend all day telling him how sick I was and that I loved and missed him and wished he was with me. I feel terrible that I didn't remember to tell him happy anniversary. I absolutely cannot believe that I just forgot. He called me when he got out of work and up until this time he didn't say anything about our anniversary then he mentioned it, he said he was kinda bummed I didn't say happy anniversary, I immediately apologized and was honest and said "I'm so sorry I have been so sick today I forgot baby Happy anniversary, I got you a gift I'm still so sick but can I come over and bring it to you and spend some time together?" He said "no you're sick let's get together tomorrow if you're feeling better" I apologized again and again and I honestly could not believe I forgot, we hung up the phone because he was driving. I thought he had accepted my apology but later on into the evening I was still running in and out of the rest room so I didn't pick up his calls, this happened three times and each time as soon as I was done I called him back. The last time he called me I was finally feeling good enough to got to the kitchen and eat something because I hadn't eaten anything all day and night, I called him back and he got upset that I forgot our anniversary and that I hadn't called him or answered his calls. I returned two of his calls as soon as I got out of the restroom and the third as soon as I came back from eating. He said he was upset I didn't remember and that I didn't answer his calls, he doesn't think that I care about him and said that I basically forgot a whole year of being in a relationship, he said what are you? The man or the woman in this relationship? You're the woman so you're supposed to remember this, I shouldn't have to remind you. I honestly didn't forget because I don't care, I really do love him and I feel like an idiot for this, I tried to explain it to him and he wouldn't listen. He kept throwing the fact that I don't currently have a job in my face saying he thinks he does way more in this relationship, he feels he gives more than I do. I said I know I can't do much financially, but other than that I try to do any and everything I can, he said tell me what you do? What is it you do? I yelled at him and said well if that's how you feel then maybe we shouldn't be together, I don't think we should be together anymore, he said fine give me my stuff back and he hung up on me. I know I was in the wrong for forgetting, but I honestly didn't forget because I don't care, I was just so sick, it's not an excuse it's just the truth. He was upset but I ended up yelling at him because he was saying mean untrue things. I don't know if I handled this the right way, but I tried my best to apologize and even though I was still so sick I was willing to bring him the gift I bought two days prior, but he was still angry and said all of those things. Any advice? Thank you!!
 


10 Replies


Ali de Bold
Lots of drama on Oct 15, 2010 @ 09:07 am

Has there been a lot of drama in your relationship all year long? I'd be willing to bet that's a yes. If so, this is par for the course and chances are, your relationship with him will always be a roller coaster.

The fact that you apologized about it (from the sounds of it - profusely) after should have been enough. He sounds insecure and... young.

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mamaluv
can you say "overreaction"? on Oct 15, 2010 @ 09:11 am

Wow. From my perspective, that was a severe overreaction on his part. 3 reasons:

1. You were sick.
2. You were sick.
3. (can you guess what I'm about to say?)

It's "just" an anniversary. Yes, of course it's important but in the grand scheme of things, there will be many more important days to come! From what you've told us, you apologized over and over again. It also sounded like you missed his calls for very good reason. I despise it when anyone takes my call while they're sitting on the crapper, and in the case of your particular illness, it's so much the worse.

Can you imagine? "Oh hey, baby, I love you so much" (revolting sounds in the background). Yeah. He needs to get over it. That is completely ridiculous.

I'm so sorry your 1st anniversary was spoiled because of this. I hope your bf comes to his senses and apologizes for his behaviour because he was out of line:

1. He is showing no sympathy for your illness.
2. He is throwing your work situation into the argument which is irrelevant.
3. He is using this opportunity to criticize the relationship as a whole.

Fail, fail, fail. There is something more going on here and I think this was a case where it all came to a head. You guys need to sit down once things have calmed and talk about where your relationship is going. These are red flags, honey, but nothing that can't be worked out if both of you are willing to be honest and take responsibility for the part you both brought to it.

Good luck, and feel better!
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takoda
I agree on Oct 15, 2010 @ 09:26 am

with Ali. He sounds young and insecure. Once you apologized that should have bin the end of it. Joking around with you about it after you felt better would have bin a much better reaction from him and something an older guy would have done. If you have had a rocky year with him and he treats you like this often, then maybe you should just let it go. Trust me you don't want to end up in a long term relationship with someone that makes you feel bad about anything!

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AnnaV
Unecessary! on Oct 15, 2010 @ 11:40 am

Yeah I totally agree with what Ali and Mamaluv said. To be honest if he's getting upset about something that you had no control of, it seems like the relationship is heading for disaster unless you both can talk in a civilized manner.

There is absolutely no excuse for him to get so upset with you, what did he expect you to do? Pick up the phone while you're sick in the bathroom? I really don't think you need to apologize anymore than what you did and he had no right to criticize your life and lack of a job in that manner when it was completely irrelevant to the argument.

If I were you, I would try to be the bigger person and attempt to talk to him face to face to settle things without screaming at each other. There is obviously other issues that need to be dealt with that were triggered by what happened, even though the situation wasn't really something that needed to be argued about.

Relationships are hard, and if you or the other person aren't willing to be completely open and talk about things when they happen, it's going to be worse than it needs to be. Not letting things build up inside is something that needs to be done, which I learned the hard way but now my relationship is better than ever. It seems like he has not talked to you about too many things and basically just exploded when a little issue popped up. If you see a future with this guy, try and get him to open up! And be honest, too. Guys can be very insecure, but don't mention that to him because they would never admit to it. Make sure to let him know that you love him and etc. Even though you've already said, he probably needs to hear it in person!

Good luck!
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jchang212
Agree with all the of above! on Oct 15, 2010 @ 03:19 pm

It does sound like he's being pretty immature, but this may also be a part of his insecurities. I know some guys tend to be more clingy than the girl, so maybe he's been feeling like you're just settling for him and don't love him as much as he loves you.

From what you've described, that's clearly not the case, and I think you guys should definitely have a talk about where you guys are in the relationship. There are also many different love languages (5 main ones), and maybe you guys just aren't showing the type of affection that you want to receive?

But gee whiz! Hopefully you guys are okay!
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Bren
Agree on Oct 17, 2010 @ 08:37 pm

He shouldnt have been so concerned about you forgeting a anniverary but should have come over to be with you well your sick thats the main concern.If hes not understanding or compassionate with you being ill thats actually quite selfish on his part. You dont want to be stuck in a relationship were you feel like youve done something wrong and have to say your sorry.
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Anonymous
also... on Oct 17, 2010 @ 11:36 pm

There has been drama since the beginning, I really do love him but no matter what I do and how much I have apologized it hasn't been good enough. I apologized over and over and he has still been yelling at me for it. He eventually told me he forgave me so we hung out yesterday. He got a call from his father saying that a friend wanted to trade his car for my boyfriend's car. He was really excited so we went to check it out, the car ended being a suburban which is a gas guzzler and we can't afford to fill the tank up, there were other problems with the car and I just had an uneasy feeling, I mean this guy wanted to trade so fast how do we know what's wrong with this car? I voiced my concerns and showed him how angry I was that he was signing his title over to this guy just ten minutes after looking at the car. He got mad at me and said I'm basically calling him an idiot for trading cars so fast, that I was not happy about the trade at all, why couldn't I be happy for him especially since I had just messed up a few days before by forgetting our anniversary. I was giving my honest opinion I still feel it was a bad choice he made and given our financial situation we can't afford to be making these decisions so quick and I can't pretend to be happy when I know it's a bad decision to make. He started yelling at me and brought up everything I have ever done and forgetting our anniversary, then for some reason he brought up his ex and said are you just like her? I don't know i hope you're not. You're not worth it anyway you're nothing. I hung up on him and he is upset that I won't speak to him he says I have no right to be upset right now and ignore his calls when I was the one who messed up first by having an attitude about his car trade. I'm trying so hard here and i'm too the point that im so confused I don't know if im wrong or right anymore.
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mamaluv
Take a break on Oct 18, 2010 @ 06:04 am

You guys need time apart. It's that simple.

If you are contributing to your joined finances in some way (that could mean actual $$ or also if you are the one doing most of the housework, etc - because that is a contribution!! Just ask a paid housekeeper/cook), then you absolutely have some say in the matter.

I don't know the ins and outs of the extent of your financial involvement, so it may be that the final call on the car question is his. EVEN SO, there is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion on the matter. If you were shopping with a girlfriend and she picks out something way beyond her price range, wouldn't you say "hey, can you really afford that?"

But here's the kicker. You have apologized over and over again for this anniversary business. Then he (supposedly) forgave you. Guess what? Forgive = forget. That doesn't mean that he literally forgets. It does mean that it should now be behind you and not thrown in your face at the first opportunity. It means it is no longer allowed to matter.

Bottom line - he hasn't forgiven you. Maybe doesn't realize what forgiveness truly means. If this is true, then maybe you need more than a break. Maybe it's time to call it quits.

Sorry, I know that's harsh. You say you love him, but honey, it's only been a year together and you say it's been volatile this whole time. Can you see a future with him this way? Can you see kids in that picture?

Who knows what the future will bring - you'll both be older and wiser. But for now, you need to take things at face value and it's not looking well from my perspective :(
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Anonymous
Devils advocate on Oct 18, 2010 @ 05:16 pm

I can see where everyone is coming from, but I want to play the devils advocate here in the hopes that it gives you a different perspective and helps you in your relationship.

First of all, it seems to me that this is more than just about forgetting an anniversary. I think the anniversary thing is what broke the camels back.

On reading your original post, I gather he is the one who is more financially contributing in your relationship at this moment. Do you suppose this might make him feel he's being used / taken advantage of? Would he by any chance feel that you're with him because of this reason? That you're not with him for HIM but for what he can do for you? Would he feel that he puts more into this relationship than you do? Perhaps at this moment in time he puts more into the relationship financially, but maybe that might make him feel that he gives more of himself in general, more effort, more thought, more love, etc. than you do? He might feel that you don't contribute anything to the relationship, no effort, no forethought, etc?

You also said you bought the anniversary gift two days before the anniversary. Maybe this (or things like this) might also show him that you don't put much forethought into your relationship as well? You did a sort of last minute purchase with the 2 day thing...? For example, don't we buy xmas gifts from October / November and not the day before or week before xmas day? Especially the special gifts for those we really care about?

You said he reminded you of other things you did wrong? We all make
mistakes, that's a given and part of being human, but perhaps the
"things you did wrong" are deal breaker items for him which is why he
can't forget them? Perhaps those errors are nothing for someone else, but are deal breakers for him?

When it came time to trade his car you said how you showed him your anger about him making the trade after only 10mins of looking at the other car. Did you really 'show him your anger' or did you say it in a better / nicer way? Perhaps he might feel that not only don't you contribute towards your relationship financially (by not having a job currently), not only do you not contribute towards it emotionally (forgetting your anniversary, buying a gift just 2 days prior to the big day) but now you're trying to tell him what to do / control him and how he spends his money?

Sometimes I find that we mean something one way, but because of our tone and the words we choose they come across as something else. You had the best of intentions when you warned him against trading the car, but perhaps you showing your anger to him regarding this might have translated your concern into something else in his mind?

Under no circumstance should he tell you that you're not worth it or make you feel like you need to be constantly apologizing. That is completely wrong on his part, but I'm just trying to diagnose WHY he's behaving the way he is. Of course I'm doing this only based on the tidbits of info you gave us here so I just might be way off.

I think at the end of the day, what mamaluv said was the best advise. You both need time to cool down, time off from eachother. The blame game is not the way either of you want to spend the rest of your life, right? Both of you cool down, then sit and talk calmly and find out whats eating him up, and express to him what bothers you most. Why not try to write eachother a letter and express in there from A - Z what is wrong, what you feel, and how you feel that you can fix it. Then take time apart to contemplate what you've learned about eachother and figure out if you REALLY can make a go of your relationship.

I'm really really sorry if I'm way off base... and extremely sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way!!! You say you love him so much, I'm just trying to think from his shoes and figure out why he's behaving the way he is to you.


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Ali de Bold
How much drama should there be in a 1 year relationship? on Oct 18, 2010 @ 08:51 pm

I think Anonymous has some great points and yes there are always two sides to every story. But at the end of the day, if there is that much drama in year one - regardless of why - chances are there will always be. Unless one or both of you makes significant changes.
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