I hate my boyfriend's brother.


Anonymous
on May 08, 2013 @ 02:32 pm

Hate is an understatement.  This man is an alcoholic and a drug user who routinely brings up a lot of things my boyfriend doesn't like to talk about from his childhood every time he calls or is here... I can't stomach it and have recently snapped and spewed a TON of filth about him. 

My man and I have been together for 6 years, and through the first 5 his brother wasn't around, never heard of him really other than in passing and for some ungodly reason my man thinks he now needs to have a relationship with this person and I detest the very idea of it.  I don't support alcoholics or drug users.  My man used to have a drug problem so I see his brother as a MAJOR threat to his sobriety and our relationship because I will not put up with that kind of thing.  

He routinely shows up and stays for MONTHS we're talking 7 months on the couch and he makes good money at the job my man got for him (how he keeps it I have no idea) so... why can't he live by himself?  Why does he and his drugs have to be here on the damn couch? 

It's gotten to the point where I've moved out because I can't live with him.

Any idea's on how I can get him to just go away and never return... ever?  Or call, or show up or message my man again.  I know he hates me every bit as much as I hate him so maybe that can work to my advantage...

I don't understand why after denouncing the rest of his family for the same things, my man insists on 'saving' his brother.  I've lived with an alcoholic as a child, and I don't want to live with one as an adult.
 


5 Replies


mamaluv
tough one on May 08, 2013 @ 03:30 pm

I completely sympathize with your situation! However, family is family, and even in bad relationships it's not unusual to feel the bond. It's admirable actually that your man wants to "save" him. Having said that, you can't "save" anyone - that person needs to want to save him/herself before outside help will be effective anyway.

If your man is fully aware of your feelings on the matter but is unable/unwilling to make a change, then you have some tough decisions. Unfortunately, giving him an ultimatum may end up backfiring. You need to be prepared to accept the outcome.

It doesn't really matter why your man has changed his position on his brother after all these years. It only matters what happens next. I think you have every right to ask that he not live with you guys, have every right to insist that your home be a drug- and alcohol-free environment, but probably no right to ask that your man cut off all contact. You don't want to be The Woman Who Ruined My Family.

I hope things work out for you either way, and soon! I can't imagine how tough this must be :(
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Anonymous
It is tough... on May 08, 2013 @ 03:58 pm

Thanks love, it's a tough position to be in. I'm hoping by making the house a drug and alcohol free place - which I've done about three weeks ago - will make him angry enough to just leave and not come back. My man is on board with it thankfully because he knows what we've both lived through in the past with alcoholics and my stance on drugs in general and if he comes back high or drunk or I find it in the house he's done but I don't think that'll make him just leave my man and I alone.
Basically he brings to the table everything that makes me man fall off the wagon by kind of slapping him in the face with his past, ripping open his old wounds then leaving for a day or two to go on a bender, leaving me to clos the wounds I've spent six years closing already... It's not fair and totally breaks my heart to see my guy like this, he hasn't been this down in ages and is even back on his antidepressants he hasn't needed in about four years.
And still he wants to 'save' him. I would have thought that by being a recovering drug addict himself he'd know that you can't save them, they hav to save themselves
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mamaluv
interesting thing you said there.. on May 08, 2013 @ 04:44 pm

You just said "And still he wants to 'save' him. I would have thought that by being a recovering drug addict himself ..."

I'm guessing that's exactly WHY he wants to save him. Because he knows firsthand how much better life can be without drugs.
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Anonymous
True... on May 08, 2013 @ 04:46 pm

However being tempted by being back around the drugs and having them in such close proximity (the couch) is driving him insane and causing him to fall back into old ways which he recognizes at least... But doesn't do anything to make me feel better about the situation.
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prairiegirl
I can see why you are frustrated on May 10, 2013 @ 10:38 pm

But like mamaluv said, family is family. If your family isn't willing to try to save you, who else will?

But there is a difference between trying to get someone to stop using drugs and turn their life around and enabling a lazy bum. I'm not sure sleeping on your couch for 7 months while gainfully employed helps him on his path to recovery.

If your guy really wants to help him, he should seek professional advice on how to deal with him in the best way possible. I have no experience with helping someone get off drugs but I imagine it's not easy.

As for how you feel towards the brother, that is going to be really hard on your relationship. Rather than making your boyfriend choose between you and the brother, you should decide what is best for you and act accordingly. If you feel you are better off staying in the relationship, then you need to learn to accept the brother. If the situation with the brother is so toxic that you can't or don't want to handle it any more, it's probably best for you to move on. You can't force your boyfriend to choose you over the brother and you shouldn't. Make the decision that is right for you independently. It is your life and the only person you can control is yourself.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Best of luck. *hugs*
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