I Just Can't Understand guys


Kazie
on Dec 17, 2006 @ 10:40 pm

I have dated this guy 30yrs old for coming to two years. I am 35yrs old but look much younger than my age. I was hoping to get married to settle down. He agreed and we even chose a date and started preparing.

I realise that during the whole course of preparation, he was constantly blackfaced or appeared very lack of enthusiasm.

Finally I had enough and cancelled the whole thing. He accused me of first forcing him to get married and next cancelling the marriage on impulse.

I am kind of fedup that every thing seems to be my fault.

Can I have some views from guys? Why are guys so afraid of commitment?
 


7 Replies


regie
well.. on Dec 18, 2006 @ 05:16 am

im not a guy but i must tell you that all things happen for a reason and maybe this guy's not for you. better that you knew the real him before its too late. you will find that someone special and when the time comes commitment wont even be scary. good luck!
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Ali de Bold
I'm not a guy either but... on Dec 18, 2006 @ 12:12 pm

Most guys are afraid of commitment and see marriage as a ball and chain. In my opinion, the best thing you can do if you really want to get married and move on to the next phase in your life, is walk away. If he's the right guy for you, he'll be the one to suggest getting married because he's discovered how bad life is without you. If he's the wrong guy, he'll be relieved and make no attempt to get you back. Then you have your answer and can move on with your life. My philosophy before getting married was I'd rather be happy alone than miserable with someone who doesn't appreciate me.
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Kazie
Culture Conflict on Dec 19, 2006 @ 01:31 am

Yup ... I thought exactly the same too. In fact I have been trying to avoid him to cool off. I really do not think that it was my fault.

He is a Burmese and the only family that he has here are his parents. Hence I could sense resistance in him wanting to get to know my family. On my end, however, I am brought up in a close-knit family. I believe that marriage is not only a marriage of two persons but also involves the two families as well. I observed, however, that he is only concerned that I spent time with his family. Something which I feel is rather unfair.

Also, he is the only child in the family. Somehow the king of the family with the parents giving in to his every whim and fancy. On the contrary, I am brought up in a family of three. I am used to giving in to others. Being considerate to the needs of fellow siblings. As a result of our very different upbringing, I find that our relationship has grown to really become Give and Take ... I Give and He Takes.

Sigh ...
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snupher
Guys aren't that difficult... on Dec 21, 2006 @ 11:36 am

Seriously. You want to know the reason most women have a hard time finding a guy that wants to settle down? It is simply because they only go after or allow themselves to get to know guys who don't want to settle down. There is no reason for over analysis. Forget the whole "He is the only child" bullcrap. The reason he is like that is because he was not into you as much as you thought and/or where into him. And if he is into you that much, he just is not the type of guy to marry. It has nothing to do with how he grew up. It has to do with his friends. Plain and simple. If you want to get married find a guy with friends who are married. Then try to pick up on his signals. Not difficult!
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grover
You've already decided on the answer...why ask? on Dec 23, 2006 @ 11:06 am

There are so many problems with the statements made here I don't know where to begin. First off, snupher is 100% correct...women go after the same guy over and over again. Until you open your eyes and look around, you will continue to date the same type of guy (and you have a history of this, am I right?). Guys are straightforward and will tell it like it is. He didn't want to get married. Period. I got married with no hesitation because I wanted to. Stating "Why are guys so afraid of commitment?" means you've already made up your mind. You don't really want to hear opinions or alternate views, you want to to be held and told you're right and that he was a jerk. Maybe he was, but that's not going to change until you do. Don't lump all guys into one group. We're not all the same. Some of us are not drooling slobs who care for nothing but Sunday night football. If this guy didn't want to settle down then find one that does.
"I realise that during the whole course of preparation, he was constantly blackfaced or appeared very lack of enthusiasm." -- that's not even a signal, that's a straight up statement. If you mention marriage and he doesn't get all starry-eyed, there's your answer. Don't over-complexify (is that a word?) the situation. With most guys (unless they're gay), the answer is right there in front of you. To paraphrase snupher, "Not difficult!"
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karmacake
Harsh Reality and You on Jan 04, 2007 @ 02:26 pm

He doesn't want to get married.
Guys are amazing creatures filled with simple habits. They can feel one way and yet act another, and when this comes into the realm of commitment versus no commitment it's best to count your losses and go.

Otherwise, you will spend too much time waiting for a man who may never be ready.

Calling off the wedding was a good idea, by the sounds of things.

To try and analyse men's "fear of commitment" has little to do with committing and more to do their perception of themselves and their inability to effectively communicate their desires.

Women, have you not gone out with a dude and realized that it's not going anywhere? You love being around him, you think he's great, but, you just knew that there was no future? So, you sat with your girls you talked it out and they told you "Better to be honest with him. You want to be happy right?"
So you tell the guy, it's so hard, but, you know it's the right decision.

Men don't do that.
Unlike women, they don't think in terms of mortality or fertility. The world is their oyster until the day they die. Women, we strive for true happiness and family life hooking up and breaking up with each gent until we meet the one that fits a profile and we want to stick with.
Guys, well, they are simpler. They will stick with a girl because they enjoy being with her, and if the good times are good enough, they'll go with the flow even if they know that deep down they don't want to commit to her.
They think the feelings will go away.
But, they don't.
We learn that, they don't.

Of course, I don't know your particular situation and I'm on no authority to dictate what you should and should not do. But, men are loyal when their hearts are in it. When they flub, they are deathly apologetic.

At the end of the day, you can lead that horse to water, but, you cannot make him drink. But, you know you can march your sexy ass right on over to someone else who will give you everything you want WITHOUT saying "You're forcing me to get married"

Cruel words.
It's not your fault.
It's his fault for never being honest with you in the first place.
The horse isn't drinking and it sounds like he's a fool to not want to take a sip.
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mamaluv
Wise words... on Jan 09, 2007 @ 10:44 am

My husband would go over to snupher and grover and shake their hands if he read this. It's too true. Karmacake, you hit the nail on the head when you say that a telltale sign is a guy's desire to be around you as a test of his interest.

My husband and I had our ups and downs while dating, but somehow deep down we always knew where we were headed and never doubted it in each other. The seemingly silly statement "you just know" really was true for us.

If there are questions in your mind, unsettling and serious ones, then he's definitely not for you. Take a breather and if you're meant to be, you'll find your way back together when the timing IS right.

God doesn't always say no; sometimes the answer is "not now".
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