I know I'm not alone on this one .... THE INLAWS!

on Jun 25, 2010 @ 08:13 pm

Hi Ladies.

Been having in-law troubles and am feeling very run down and anxious because of it. 

I don't know if this sounds odd but I think hearing other peoples stories might make me feel a bit better, just knowing that I am not alone on having inlaws that are not the nicest people in the world.  Well, they`re not all horrible, just a select few who poisin the bunch ... or at least try to.

Thanks gals!  Any venting, ranting, stories welcomed =)  Oh and please use the most classiest language possible and no real names please.  I wouldn`t want to get anyone in trouble.

5 Replies

Bin there done that on Jun 26, 2010 @ 10:17 am

My mother in law is something else. I have to bite my tong pretty much every time I see, or talk to her on the phone. The thing's that come out of her mouth would blow you away. She doesn't think before she speaks, so whatever is in that head of hers is on it way out and you can't stop her. She says mean, hurtful and hateful things about people we love and people she doesn't even know. She a racist from way back and she's not shy about it. I have a disabled brother and she'll be talking to me calling other people like him retarded and all the rest of the nasty words people have come up with for the disabled. Sometimes it will pop into her head that my brother is disabled and she'll say; "but not your brother he's a nice boy." Mean while he's not a boy, he's 46 years old and lives on his own.
She not shy about saying awful names for all the different people we have in our country today either. Anyone with darker skin then her own she has a name for, witch I won't repeat on hear, or any where for that matter. She also thinks our cab driver's are all terrorist if you can believe that. She hasn't come out and said any thing bad about myself, or the way I run my house, or take care of our kids, but I'm sure she has because she talks about the rest of the daughter in laws to me all the time. It got so bad at one point that I stopped answering my phone and had to tell her my answering machine wasn't working right because I couldn't stand it any more. My husband knows what his mother is like and it makes him crazy to, but it's his mother. One time she called me and was talking about one of her other sons that I get along with really well. She was saying all kinds of bad things about him and how it was his own fault that his son killed his self!! That was it for me, I finally told my husband to ask her not to call me everyday just to talk about anyone else any more. He told her the next time he talked to her to stopped calling me if all she wants to do is talk about other people. I didn't hear back from her for six mouths and yes she use to call just about everyday!! After the first six months past, she started calling me again, but now I'm lucky and it's only once every few weeks, not everyday like it was for the first 20 years we were together, but she's still the same and unfortunately she always will be.
Have you talked to your husband about this? If he really cares for you he will put his big boy pants on and have a talk with his mother. He doesn't have to be mean about it. All he has to do is let her know that the thing's she's saying, or doing is really up setting you and if she care for him she'll be nicer to you because when your upset it upsets him. Something along those lines would be helpful. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time, but it can change, I know I was in the same kind of boat and mines still sailing.
Take care big hugs to you.

Been there, done that, now doing it again! on Jun 28, 2010 @ 03:13 pm

Thanks Takoda! So...it doesn't end after twenty years huh??!!! Hee, hee. I'm already fully aware of that fact. Believe it or not, my mother-in-law is not so much the issue anymore. For me, it's my father-in-law. My husband's brother and his wife. Let's just put it simply. His father doesn't, hasn't ever liked me. I'm a very different breed of woman from the one you would find in our cultural background. Since his brother got married, after us, to a woman who is very much in keeping with the this type of woman, my hubby and I got tossed to the curb. It was pretty nasty. I've put up with his dad and brother over a whole lot of stuff. This was the last straw for me.

My husband has been wonderful, this took time to come around to though. Believe me there were lots of late night talks and all out yelling matches between us for a good amount of time, and only ever on this topic. It took me a while to really acknowledge that despite their shortfalls, this was his father and his brother. He did stand up to them several times and then he was forced to cut them completely. It was very hard for both of us, as I never ever wanted this to be the way it ended up. I really did want him to have his family. I let them know this by telling them that their actions were not hurting me, but their son and to his brother, his own brother. I believe in family. I am very, very close with my family and being without them would be unbearable for me. We didn't talk to his family for five years, until very recently when a tragedy forced us back together.

Anyways, now that they are back. It is very clear that nothing has changed with his father and brother. But for my husband's sake and for his mother, with whom the bridge is slowly being very carefully rebuilt, I do not want to stir the pot again. My husband does see that the two have not changed, and has stated he fully supports my decision to "rip them a new one" if the time ever calls for it! He is very respectful of my bounderies and I love him for this. I just can't stand to be around his father and brother and his wife. Simply, because I do not trust them. His mother, I would not want to be seperated from again. She is the unfortunate bystander, a very strong woman, but unfortunately stuck in the middle.

I am anxious because of the fear of not knowing when the other shoe will fall...again. I feel strong and am confident, I have chaulked this anxiety down to "why do I have to deal with this when there is so much else going on in the world". His brother has a child who we, my husband and I, love very much and want to be a part of this child's life. We are determined to stick together, as we have for so many years now. I'm just tired of this now. I know that it will not end after almost fifteen years of being together, I can not expect that his father, brother and now sister-in-law will become wonderful fantastic people. I just wish it were different and suppose by starting this thread my frustration in my own circumstance would be mirrored in someone else, as I stated...I know I'm not alone on this one.

Thanks ladies and I hope that this helps some of you out there who have not responded, maybe not yet (I was surprised to see over 100 of you viewed this thread in just two short days!) in knowing that there's no hiding from the "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the inlaws in an very odd shaped carriage".

And Takoda, thanks for repsonding and the hugs...


I've had severe inlaw problems in the past............ on Jun 28, 2010 @ 06:22 pm

The reason I haven't posted them is because they are so severe, I risk making *myself* sound insane LOL If you'd like to know about my experience, leave me an email address I can contact you at.

Just for the record, my problems are not with my current inlaws, who have always respected me very much. The problems were with my past inlaws.

Just stay strong on Jun 29, 2010 @ 11:19 am

I have problems with my own father and his wife as well. I haven't talked to my father in at least six years all do to his wife and her know it all big mouth. None of my brother speak to him either and it's sad to know that my own father chose to let this happen. That he doesn't have the back bone to stand up to her and just tell her to shout up once in awhile. I bet my father has seen my youngest son that fourteen now, three time in his hole life and it's all because of his wife. We had some pretty bad fights over the years, but when I got sick about ten years ago with seizures, I said enough is enough. He's my father and I do care for him, but I just can't put myself through his wife's bull any more. He know's that he can call me, or stop by when ever he wants to, but he never does. I've even seen him drive by my house, but he won't stop.
So it works all ways with in laws and family a like. We all have are ups and downs, some go higher up and a hell of a lot lower down then others, but it all hurts us just the same. It's just nice to know we can always come on here and know someone will answer us and let us know we're not alone in this great big world of ours. The next time you feel yourself getting hot over something one of them have done, or said, try and think of something that gave you the biggest laugh, or the most joy in your life and remember it's them not you. Than smile life's to short not to.

Ali de Bold
Each should deal with their own parents on Jun 29, 2010 @ 06:22 pm

I'm very lucky that I have Inlaws who are wonderful and supportive. It wasn't perfect from day one, but once we figured each other out and got to understand each other's personalities it's been really great.

It's never easy taking on new family members, but there are things you can do to make it better (in my opinion):

1. You deal with your family politics and have him deal with his. That was our rule from day one. He is the 'expert' on his family and I am on mine. I know what offends my parents and he knows what offends his. Too often I think one spouse becomes the spokesperson for both sides. But does it make sense for you to be the one to tell your Mother-in-Law that you won't be coming to their place for Christmas dinner? Make your decisions as a couple and when politics arise, he will best understand how to talk to his family and you to yours.

2. Don't expect them to think or behave like you would. One of my Grandmothers makes outrageous statements all the time. I love her dearly and we have a great relationship, but some family members get really offended by her. I've been offended a few times myself. However, I've come to expect her to say those things and I know I can't change her. For the most part I'll laugh when she says something ridiculous and chide her a bit about it, "Oh, Oma you don't really mean that, do you?" I try to remember that she is from a much different time and her perspective is shaped from escaping WW2 and the other hellish things she went through to get to Canada.

However, I don't tolerate racism or vicious remarks made against other people. I try to counter with something soft so I make my point but I don't inflame the situation. For example, "I have lots of friends who are (insert racial background here) and they are wonderful. Please don't say things like that" Or in response to the comments about Takoda's brother I would say, "You know what, (Mother in Law)? I really love my brother." You don't even need to say anything beyond that. She'd have to be pretty cold to carry on with the insults after that.

3. You can defend yourself or other people without making things worse. I find that direct people can handle directness in return. If your Father-in-Law would tell you he doesn't like your haircut you could go be offended in the corner or you could tell him you are actually quite happy with it or if he has a sense of humour say (jokingly) that you far prefer it over his haircut!

I say this with the caveat that some people are just too hardened and impossible and there is truly nothing you can do to soften things. In cases like that, I'd limit how much time you spend with them, but don't let them reduce you to their level when you are around them.

For example, I'd decline the opportunity to 'rip them a new @$$hole' even if they truly deserve it. It will only give them something that you did that they can stew about how awful you are. I'd have an agreement with your husband where if they cross the line, you both walk away. Even if that means leaving in the middle of Christmas dinner. He can say to his parents, thanks for having us over but this has gotten uncomfortable and we're going to head out. Let's talk about this when everyone's calmer.

It's unfair to allow your spouse to face heat from your family alone. The two of you need to be a united team in the moment rather than just behind closed doors.

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